Do you think BDSM is all whips & chains? Think again.
When people picture a Dominant and submissive relationship, they often imagine strict rules, punishments and discipline. While that’s certainly one way to enjoy power exchange, it isn’t the only way. Some Dominants and submissives build their dynamic around pleasure instead.
So what exactly is a pleasure Dom? And what does it mean to be a pleasure submissive?
What is a Pleasure Dom?
A pleasure Dom takes their pleasure in their submissive partner’s desire to please them, and in creating pleasurable experiences for both partners. Rather than focusing on things like discipline and punishments, a pleasure Dom focuses on things like heightened sensations, controlled pleasure, and positive reinforcement for desired behaviours over negative reinforcement for undesired ones. To summarise, a pleasure Dom wants to build a dynamic in which the submissive wants to serve them.
Some may view this as the Dominant serving the submissive, or that the submissive is topping from the bottom, but this is incorrect: the submissive does not dictate the Dominant’s behaviour, nor does the Dominant give the submissive anything they want, whenever they want it. The Dominant is still very much in control, they’re just not as strict as some other traditional stereotypes.
What is a Pleasure Sub?
A pleasure submissive yearns to please their Dominant, but in ways that make sense and genuinely please. A pleasure submissive doesn’t want to scrub the toilet with their toothbrush if it would mean nothing to the Dominant, but they will happily wax the car if it means their Dominant can travel with style. The submission of a pleasure submissive is not focused on providing sex or service: it is focused on providing the Dominant with pleasure and satisfaction — in all things!
A pleasure submissive may also enjoy sex, but with a caveat: a pleasure submissive’s greatest pleasure comes from their Dominant’s pleasure. Whether it be providing pleasure to the Dominant, or receiving pleasure from the Dominant in order to please the Dominant, pleasing a Dominant is at the heart of everything a pleasure submissive does!
How I Realised I Was a Pleasure Submissive
When I started my journey as a BDSM submissive, I remember I had just one fear: I didn’t want to be “trained” or “moulded” into some version of the “ideal” submissive; I wanted a Dominant who wanted me. I wanted a Dominant for whom I was enough: with my quick wit and my cheeky sense of humour, I wanted that to be something that they didn’t want to get rid of.
I also knew that I didn’t want the strict disciplinarian, the one who thought submissives should do as they’re told, nor someone who didn’t believe that a submissive should enjoy pleasure — someone who would deny me my pleasure, because orgasm denial meant they had control over me, and that was the only way to make me “submissive” to them. I wanted someone fun, someone that I could laugh with, live with and love. Someone who was as devoted to my pleasure in them as I was to theirs in me. They didn’t need to “train” me. I was enough for them, exactly the way I am.
I knew that I was a pleasure sub when my Dominant’s pleasure in me was the most important thing in my world. It didn’t have to be sex, but nor did I want to be made to do humiliating and degrading things that meant nothing to them. I didn’t want to be degraded by my Dominant; I wanted to please them, from the things I wear, the work I do and the way that I conduct myself. I had recurring dreams of a Domme who made me walk on hot coals or broken glass for her pleasure. I was almost afraid of how far my submissive devotion would go.
Why Pleasure Submission? A Pleasure Dom’s Perspective
I asked both of my Sirs what they enjoy about being a pleasure Dom. Here’s what they had to say:
Master Levi: “Controlling Elena’s pleasure is arousing for me — not denying it, but controlling it. The way that Elena says she won’t beg, then she begs when she’s right on the edge of her orgasm? Oh yes!
Outside of the bedroom, I have no desire to shape Elena or mold her into something I think she ‘should’ be. I love Elena just the way she is, and I love that she feels happy being loved for who and how she is. I do not want a “good” submissive; I enjoy the challenge that Elena brings. I love the way she answers back and challenges me, the way she pushes me to grow (as her Dominant).
I also have no interest in being a strict disciplinarian to Elena; I believe that a punishment-heavy dynamic would break her trust in me and desire to submit to me, and that is something that a Dominant should want to protect. Some submissives, like Elena, are quite emotionally sensitive — just knowing that they have disappointed you is often punishment enough!”
The Admiral: “When asked by Kitty to write down my thoughts of what it is to be a Pleasure Dominant, my quick reply was ‘it’s a pleasure being a Dominant when you have a bratty sub to torment like Elena’, but it really is more than just bringing your submissive to the peak of pleasure as they surrender to your administrations on their body.
It is the study of the human mind and body; the study of their psyche and what makes them unique. That’s the core of being a Dominant: it is a great responsibility as a Dominant in any relationship to be kind and attentive to the needs of those under your wing, be you a Dominant primarily for your own pleasure or primarily for your partner’s.
Being a pleasure Dominant isn’t all about sex either; it can lead to sex for both of you, or just your submissive. For me that’s the difference between a Dominant and pleasure Dominant, and you don’t have to be just one or the other — it can change on a daily basis. As long as you communicate with each other, it is all good. That being said, I find myself to be a Pleasure Dominant, especially as I’ve got older. In the beginning I was 50/50 – taking as much as giving – and that was purely because as a young buck I did not know better and quantity was equal to quality. Now, I’m as close to being a full-time Dominant of pleasure as can be. It starts with conversation and getting to know your partner: reading their body signals, what stimulates them, what their kinks and fantasies are, getting to know them and their minds and combining it all into your play times. Be it a mix of all different play styles from impact, servitude, denial, humiliation and so many more, it is the knowledge and physical response of the submissive to you conducting of the play to bring them to that place where they are blissfully in subspace and where it is not necessary for them to have an orgasm at the end, but just to feel loved by you is its own reward. Orgasms are fabulous when you choose to be wholly together though, as one.”
Whew! Is it warm in here or is it just me? 😉
Why Some People Prefer Pleasure Over Punishment
Master Levi: “I believe that punishment can induce fear and can make a submissive afraid of a Dominant, which is the antithesis of trust. By rewarding my submissive and making her feel good about herself, she comes to trust me and trust me to lead her in her submission to me. She knows my rules, knows my boundaries, and knows what happens if she chooses to break them. She does not want to disappoint me, and her personal belief is that some submissives intentionally provoke their Dominant for punishment. Elena is firmly against that idea; she enjoys being cheeky to me (which is not against our rules!) and she knows that she will sometimes get a fun spanking for her sass, but she does not break my rules to get a “real” punishment — she does not Top from the Bottom.
Personally, I find praise and rewards works better than punishment on some submissives. Some submissives, like Elena, are reward-oriented. If you punish them, you end up with a grumpy, unproductive and uncooperative submissive that you’ll then want to punish out of their sour mood, causing a vicious cycle that can be detrimental to your relationship. If you incentivise them with a reward for good behaviour, they’ll stop at nothing to complete your request!”
The Admiral: “It’s about what the submissive is more in tune with. I can spank a submissive to orgasm on a St Andrews cross or spanking chair as easily as orgasm denial or just pure pleasure at having a service submissive being very happy in her attentions to me. My pleasure comes from knowing I have been able to read their bodies and their pleasure centres and to tease and extract the greatest of joy from them, that they put their trust in me to keep them safe but also push their boundaries and find new highs of that joy.”
And for me personally…
I enjoy pain, but I have to understand the reason why. If that pain is play, perhaps in a BDSM play session that we’re both engaged in, then I love it. But if that pain is about punishing me? Then that’s absolutely not okay. I believe in healthy and respectful communication; I believe that both partners should be able to come together as equals and talk as equals, irrespective of their BDSM dynamic. I would be horrified to think that either of my partners really thought they were “above” me. I couldn’t be in a relationship where a partner saw me as anything other than an equal.
For me, it is also imperative that I feel safe and protected in my relationships — if I don’t feel safe, then I can’t (and won’t) experience pleasure, and I won’t want to give pleasure either. I’ve been in relationships before where I was left to fight for myself, and when I realised that I was on my own, my desire for him tanked soon after. I don’t want a man who will fight for me, but I do want a man who is willing to protect me when it is needed.
Common Misconceptions About Pleasure Doms & Subs
- “They’re just vanilla.” — Nope. It’s still a power exchange dynamic, but one focused on the giving, receiving and controlling of pleasure.
- “There are no rules.” — If that were the case, I’d be playing with Master Levi’s pinwheels a lot more often. Alas, I quite like being able to sit down whilst I write.
- “There’s never punishment.” — Punishment looks like different things in different dynamics. Corporal punishment isn’t the only kind of punishment there is, just ask any submissive who has done corner time for fifteen minutes 😉
- “The Dom isn’t really dominant.” — Dominance isn’t measured by how strict someone is. A Dominant can be marked by how well they can lead, not by how strict they are. Both of my partners are competent leaders, even if they don’t seem very strict.
Final Thoughts
BDSM isn’t one-size-fits-all. Some people thrive on strict protocol, discipline and correction, and that’s great for them. Others find their happiest, deepest submission in being cherished, guided and delighted in. Neither approach is more “real” than the other, they’re simply different expressions of the same exchange of trust and power.
Put more simply, pleasure submission isn’t about avoiding power: it’s about finding power in bringing joy to someone you trust.
That’s it from me for this post. Are you a pleasure Dom or sub? Leave a comment below or read more of my kink & BDSM posts!
Until next time.
Stay safe & have fun,
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