Disclaimer: I know some of my readers live immersive BDSM lifestyles for whom their dynamics feel very real. This post is not aimed at intense consensual BDSM dynamics, it is aimed at perceptions.
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Hello Lovelies and welcome to another Lesson in BDSM!
A little while ago, whilst I was proofreading another blog post with the help of ChatGPT, “Shadow” pointed out the number of people who confuse the reality of BDSM with the roleplay. I was surprised by this as I thought it was fairly obvious, but I thought I would take the time today to dig into it and help separate the facts from the fiction.
What The Media Gets Wrong On BDSM
Hands up, who else eye-rolled when they read that Christian Grey was supposed to be a CEO billionaire? Yep, I know, me too. It is such a cliché — the strong, capable, rich, successful multi-millionaire Dom, and the meek, mild-mannered, damsel-in-distress submissive, who wouldn’t have amounted to anything if he hadn’t “rescued” her.
It makes for great storytelling, but it paints a terrible picture of real BDSM.
Most Dominants are not, in fact, multi-millionaires (or even remotely rich!), and not all submissives are submissive by nature. Many submissives have a strong and feisty personality, but they submit to their partners out of respect and desire.
So if that’s not “real” BDSM, how can we better understand it, and even better, live “real” BDSM?
BDSM: “The Game”
When I started my ventures into BDSM, I remember BDSM being introduced to me as a kind of “game”: not actually reality, but a “game” within reality. I like to think of it like any other game, like LARPing (Live Action Roleplaying) or medieval reenactments. In fact, many kinksters are LARPers — even I’ve considered it!
Even in the first kinky song I ever heard — Depeche Mode’s Master & Servant — the opening lyric says “there’s a new game we like to play, you see”.
So, if BDSM is supposedly just a game, why do some people treat it like it’s real?
Understanding The Psychology Of Immersive BDSM
Done right, BDSM can feel very immersive and even addictive, for both Dominants and submissives alike — we experience chemical releases like endorphins, dopamine and oxytocin, which can make us feel very close to our partners and never want to leave them. Some people invest huge swathes of time in BDSM and live like it’s their everyday reality, even if, in reality, it’s still a role they play.
In reality, many of us are not just Dominants and submissives: we are partners, parents, siblings, friends, and so on. This is what the “Shades” refers to in the title of the Fifty Shades franchise: the many facets that make us who we are, as people.
Christian Grey is not just a Dominant. He is a CEO, an advocate and a son, for example.
Our roles can certainly be an important facet of our identity, but they are not (and should never be allowed to be) our whole identity — we should never allow our whole lives to become encompassed by BDSM.
Intensity does not equal permanence. Emotional depth is still real, even when roles are negotiated and time-bounded.
Why Some 24/7 BDSM Relationships Fail
I see this often, and it always makes me grimace. Whether it’s Dominants looking for full-time slaves, or slaves looking for full-time Dominants, there’s usually a fantasy that people have in mind of BDSM that is so far removed from reality. BDSM is fun — and can be fun — for an hour, two, four, an afternoon, a day, even a weekend.
But what when BDSM becomes your new normal? When you live and breathe BDSM, from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep? When your partner can’t give your dynamic the time and attention that you want, or they are demanding too much of you?
For many people, that’s when their 24/7 BDSM fantasy stops being fun and actually becomes quite suffocating. Maybe you’re bored of it, you don’t want to do the same things over and over. Arguments happen, resentment festers. Eventually, partners conclude that the dynamic is no longer working.
This is why, for many people, BDSM cannot be their full-time reality.
How To Practice “Real” BDSM
So now that we’ve talked about why the fantasy of BDSM is quite often far removed from reality, how can we make our real BDSM more realistic?
1. Be Realistic (Duh!)
I know, that sounds simple, right? Well, it kind of is and should be, but maybe that requires some explaining as to what I really mean. Be realistic about how much time you can give: be realistic about your other commitments, like your work, your family, your friends, your pets, your other demands and chores. Think about your partner’s demands too: sometimes it’s not that they don’t want us, it’s that they can’t give us more.
2. Agree On Some Liveable Rules (And A Safeword!)
Having a long list of rules for your sub might sound great, but how many will you actually remember? Talk about the rules you both want, and agree 10-12 rules that you will actually remember. Try not to make them too long or complex — you probably won’t remember them in a few weeks time. Don’t forget to agree a safeword, too!
3. Think About Subtle Kink
Leather collars are great, but they might not be suitable for every location, so think about things that can symbolise your commitment more discreetly. For example, you might want a sleeker “day collar” for at work, or a symbolic necklace for gatherings, such as one with a circle shape, symbolising an O ring. Why not consider something personal? There are lots of personalised options for kinky people on websites like Etsy!
Think about your clothing as well: kinky people wear normal clothes too!
4. Think Kink Outside The Box!
The beautiful thing about BDSM is that absolutely anything can be kinky if you think about it! Day drip? Put a grinding pad on your partner’s seat before you leave, and they’re not allowed to cum until you arrive. Dinner date? Have them wear no panties and a vibrating love egg or butt plug. Going for a hike? Have them walk no more than a metre from you at all times, and keep track of how many times they forget. They get five spanks for every transgression when you get home. The possibilities are endless!
5. Consider Apps
Apps like Obedience and Embrace are wonderful because they help you both check-in and keep track of your dynamic without having to remember everything. You can add rules, require photo proof of completed tasks (premium only) and set rewards and punishments. Embrace, the diary app, helps build communication and provide questions to ask your partner that you may not have thought about before. Plus, you can add multiple partners for those poly folk among!
6. Understand That Bad Days Happen (Be Adaptable)
Illnesses, losses, a bad night’s sleep and long hours at work, sometimes life just gets in the way and it’s nobody’s fault. When that happens, understand that you might have to have some leeway on the rules, or your kinky session might have to be postponed or cancelled. That is real BDSM sometimes, unfortunately. The thing that matters most is what you do when that happens.
7. Keep Communicating, And Keep Growing!
Communication, communication, communication. I say this so often and I often feel like I’m repeating myself, but really, so much of BDSM is all about communication. Don’t assume your partner knows or knows what you want, assume that they don’t know and tell them. Respectful, honest, level (that means putting your roles aside for a time) communication is paramount for making healthy, real BDSM relationships that go the distance. Wants and desires change, people change, but what should never change is our ability to communicate with one another.
That’s it from me for this post. How “real” is your BDSM? Share your thoughts in the comments or read more of my 30 Days of Submission posts!
Just dipping your toe into the world of BDSM? Take a read of our FREE Guide To BDSM here!
Until next time!
Stay safe & have fun,
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