Hello lovelies and welcome to another of our Lessons In BDSM posts!
For today’s lesson. We’re going to be taking a look at the difference between a BDSM submissive and a BDSM slave. It’s a label that quite often gets confused, and whilst the two can look almost identical for some people, for others they are far apart. So, how do you determine a BDSM submissive from a BDSM slave, and how do you decide which one you are?
Submissive Or Slave, What’s The Difference?
If you’ve hung around adult websites for any length of time, you’ve probably heard the terms “submissive” and “slave” used interchangeably. Some platforms don’t care to draw the distinction, and so unfortunately, it’s easy to get confused. For some people, a label is merely a label, yet for others, mislabelling can feel disrespectful, or even threatening.
Take my sister kink blogger, slave Shae, and myself as prime examples:
On the surface, Shae and I might seem as though we live broadly similar lives. However, if you dive deeper below the surface, there are subtle differences in how we are managed, used and displayed. Shae is a sex slave; she wears a BDSM collar 24/7, is often dressed in revealing ways and is expected to see herself as below others (apart from fellow submissives and slaves) and available for their sexual uses. I am a service submissive; I wear a silver bracelet with my husband’s initials, I am expected to dress practically and modestly and I am expected to treat everyone as an equal, even Dominants, unless and until they come to be co-Owners of me, or unless I am instructed to serve them in some way, by my Owners. For me, being classed as a slave would feel too intense – it’s not a level of submission that I seek for myself.
Yet, all too often and particularly online, the terms “submissive” and “slave” often crop up, or even end up joined, to create “submissive-slave”. Whildy a slave is indeed submissive, a submissive is not necessarily a slave. So, what makes the distinction?
Understanding Submission
To clarify again here: all slaves are submissives, but not all submissives are slaves. All who consider themselves as slaves may be submissive in their disposition, but not everyone who is of a submissive disposition will call themselves a slave. Depending on their expression of their submission, they may prefer to use a different title. For example, masochist, little, brat or pet.
Submissive VS Slave: The Rights Of The Submissive
On the surface, a BDSM submissive and a BDSM slave may appear one and the same, yet, if you were to ask both what they sought in their BDSM experiences, you would likely receive two very different answers. Both seek to lose control, but in a greater sense, a BDSM slave seeks to lose more control. A BDSM submissive seeks to submit to another; a BDSM slave seeks to feel owned.
BDSM submissives typically also have and desire more freedom than BDSM slaves. For example, a BDSM submissive may have more choice over the clothes they wear, the things they do or when they do and don’t submit to their Dominant. A BDSM slave wants to feel like property; they don’t want to have so much freedom to live a more vanilla life. A BDSM slave frequently wants to live in a more full-time submission, and to have to ask their Owner for permission to do more “vanilla” things, sometimes even really mundane things. like fetching a drink, or using the restroom. They may also have more ways to “be”, for example, through rituals, slave positions, and uniforms.
However, it should be noted that there is a caveat to this terminology rule: it is quite possible to be a slave with more freedom, or a submissive with more rigid rules. At the end of the day, it really is up to the individuals in a BDSM dynamic to discuss how they choose to identify, what they want from their BDSM relatiionship, and create a dynamic and rules that work for them. There is no right or wrong answer here, only what works for you.
Finally, it is more likely for a slave to wear a collar — particularly a locking collar — than a submissive. Again, whilst there is no right or wrong way for a submissive or slave to be adorned, a BDSM submissive may be more subtle in their expressions of their submission. For a BDSM slave, many slave-owners seek to place a visible representation of their ownership on their slave, for example, a collar, dogtags, a piercing, or a tattoo. Some even go for scarification or branding. In a sense, and again, slavery can seen like a more “heavier” form of submission.
A Note On Gor
It should be noted that slaves are a common feature of those who embrace the Gorean subculture, but not all who identify as slaves, do. Therefore, it is important to communicate to avoid any misudnerstandings.
Please Remember…
Seen someone wearing a BDSM collar but not sure how they identify? Please never, ever assume. Remember to always treat them as a person, unless you are instructed or given permission to do otherwise.
That’s it from me for this post. Are you a submissive or a slave? Leave a comment below or read more of my Lessons In BDSM posts!
Want a basic introduction course to BDSM first? Check out our free Guide to BDSM here!
Until next time.
Stay safe & have fun,
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