Everything you’ve wanted to ask about life on the other end of the whip.
Hey Lovelies,
You may recall that a few weeks ago, slave Shae suggested we do a Q&A style post together. I was a little nervous about how it would go, but Master Levi and Mister Valkyries were all for it — so it seemed like my hands were tied!
Unfortunately, and despite our best efforts, Shae and I didn’t receive many questions at first. But the wonderful people over on the Lovehoney forum more than delivered when I asked for help.
And so, without further ado, let’s get into it!
1. How long have you been a submissive?
I joined the BDSM lifestyle in September 2006, though I started off initially as a Dominant. A carer at the time, I felt as though I should care for other people — it sort of made sense for me to be a Dominant since that’s what I knew best! In my heart, though, it wasn’t really what I wanted to be. I think I took on a switch role in about 2007, and by 2009 and after my then-submissive left me, I was fully submissive to Master Levi. I had no interest in trying to be a Dominant anymore.
2. How did you know you were a submissive?
I giggle when I trace it back because I remember times in my childhood where I played a submissive role without realising it, for example, I was the rogue cop who secretly wanted to get into trouble (by letting the bad guys out of “prison”), always the patient (I hated being the doctor/nurse) anytime we played doctors and nurses, and I got a huge thrill out of being a “spy” who was captured and interrogated by my neighbour, who used to play armies with my brother. I didn’t know what being captured or interrogated was back then, but I’d do anything for that thrill again. In fact, I used to actively try and get myself captured!
I remember my Mum telling me that I was getting “too old” to play with the boys, and I felt really sad about it because we had fun. Again I didn’t know it, but I’d developed a crush on my neighbour and I used to try and get him to notice me.
At secondary school and in sex education, I used to think about all kinds of things that weren’t just sex: gangbangs in the nearby woods, being tied up, being “bullied”, you name it. I wasn’t sure why, but the thought of that turned me on, and the thought of sex like I was seeing on these sex education videos? Boring.
I thought there was something wrong with me, so when I discovered BDSM, it was like all of the pieces fell into place. I wasn’t “weird” anymore, I was kinky!
3. What do you enjoy most about being a submissive?
It’s hard to explain but there’s a sense of fulfillment. God, how do I explain this without sounding like I have no respect for myself? There’s a sense of fulfillment in pleasing others and making them happy, but when it’s my partners, it’s even more fulfilling. I guess because they know and understand what their pleasure in me means to me, and because they understand, love and appreciate that about me — and know how to appreciate me in a way that strikes at my submissive core — it’s even more fulfilling than just being kind to someone. Does that make sense?
4. What do you enjoy least?
Feeling like I’m failing my Dominant partners. I will beat myself up far worse than a Dominant can do to me. I take failure really, really hard.
5. What one misconception annoys you the most about BDSM submissives?
That we are submissive people, or we should be submissive people. Listen, I’m spunky, I was raised by spunky people and I have a spunky personality which I love/is loved about me. So changing that would be to not accept me, both as a person and as a submissive. If behaviour modification is something that both parties want/consent to, then — and only then — can a Dominant work on making a submissive less spunky. I have “red lines” that I’m not allowed to cross, but I think both of my Sirs would worry if I was suddenly meek and quiet!
6. What do you think makes a good submissive?
A good submissive has to want to please. They have to be willing to do whatever pleases their Dominant, within their agreed limits, both in and outside of the bedroom. Lifestyle submission is not a kinky sex game; you’re making a pledge to do whatever pleases your Dominant, and not just in sex. Also, a good submissive does not manipulate, give silent treatments or throw tantrums. A good submissive communicates clearly, fairly and respectfully: they are attentive to their Dominant’s wants, needs and feelings, as well as their own.
7. How do people treat you when they find out that you are a submissive? How would you expect to be treated?
Usually people are very interested in my lifestyle and lifestyle choices, and assured by my emphasis that absolutely everything I do is consensual, and consent really is the hallmark of BDSM. I am not “made” to do BDSM for the sake of my relationship with Master Levi (or Mister Valkyries), this is something we all understand, and choose to do.
How do I expect to be treated? With respect of course — I may be a submissive, but I’m not (and not expected to be) submissive to everyone.
8. Does a BDSM session always result in penetrative sex/orgasm for you, or is it only sexual release for the Dom?
Both of my Sirs share my breeding kink and really care about my pleasure, so either yes, or hypothetically yes, depending on which of my Dominant partners we’re talking about, given that Mister Valkyries and I aren’t physically involved at this time. Both of them also know that denying me my orgasm will have them sleeping out in the doghouse, and I’ll build it with my own bare hands if I have to. I’m fine with edging, but I don’t consent to orgasm denial — nobody wants to deal with me when I’m sexually frustrated!
9. Are there sessions that do not involve any sexual intimacy?
Yes absolutely! Like when I’m spanked for forgetting to eat lunch on time or look after myself properly? Absolutely!
10. What happens if you fall out of love with the lifestyle and any partners you have?
I’ve been in the BDSM lifestyle for almost 19 years now, and as previously mentioned, showing inclinations of my kinky nature for years prior before that, so I don’t see me “falling out of love” with BDSM. Could I fall out of love with a partner? That’s kind of a sensitive subject because I “fall out of love” with people depending on how they treat me. I’m not someone who just wakes up one morning and decides “you know what? I don’t love you anymore. Out you go!”, I believe relationships take — surprise surprise — communication, respect and work. So I’d be asking myself why I’d “fallen out of love” with that person, and what can we do to make our relationship — if we both still want it — work. What happened for me to “fall out of love” with them? Is this a temporary blip, or a long-term problem? Are they communicating with me? Are they being hostile or abusive towards me? Have they been abusing me? Did they cheat on me? Did they apologise when I addressed my hurt and agree to work to fix the problem, or did they gaslight me instead? Are they ready and willing to work with me, or are they sure they’re completely right and I’m completely wrong? All of those things can make or break a relationship.
11. How many Masters do you want or want to have? Primary, secondary, tertiary?
You know, the longer I spend in ethical non-monogamy, the more I shy away from terms like “primary” and “secondary” in favour of terms like “residing” and “non-residing” — to me, “primary” is like saying “well I love this person more”, which can cause all kinds of yucky feelings for everyone involved. But that’s a poly problem, not a BDSM problem.
How many Masters do I want to have? I don’t feel the need to “collect” people like I know some poly people do, and can I just say that, conversely, I’d also be out if I felt I had been — or was being — “collected”: I believe that all people have an inherent worth, and “collecting” people to fill some void within ourselves robs them non-consonsensually of their value. People enter relationships to have a relationship with that person, not to be a part of their “collection” of people. Just look at how people act when they find out their partner is cheating on them: we humans like to feel valued.
Right now I have two Sirs — Master Levi, my marital husband, and Mister Valkyries, my “work husband”, who has also become quite friendly with Master Levi. I adore both of them for who they are; different, but surprisingly similar. How many Masters do I want to have? You know, Valkyries and I have this kind of dance, it’s neither here nor there — like he wants to be my Master, but he isn’t my Master yet. Master treats him as though he is sometimes, though, and so I know I tread on very thin ice to act anything otherwise!
Now, how many Masters do I want to have? For now the answer is two, but with a caveat: I don’t believe that a submissive has the right to take on a Dominant without their Owner’s approval/instruction. If a submissive’s Owner says “this is my friend and you will treat them as above you too” or “I want you to obey this person too”, then a submissive must do just that, unless of course they have a good reason not to. It doesn’t mean that that friend then “owns” the submissive, unless that becomes something that all parties agree on, but for that moment at least, that friend then has the pleasure of the submissive’s submission.
So really, how many Masters do I want to have? I think the answer is “that’s not really up to me”!
12. How has your life changed in general, and what is it like living in day-to-day BDSM?
Sigh, this question. I remember who asked it and I remember being so touched by it because it’s such a personal thing to me.
I grew up in a home where I never really felt loved. I was, but my mother knew I was “different” and she more or less rejected me the day I was born — she saw my disabilities, she didn’t really see me. My brother, though, he was the actor, the singer, the musician, the comedian — whatever I could do, he could do better, and he’d make sure I knew it too.
So I grew up with this sense of not belonging, of inherent worthlessness. I didn’t see or appreciate my value.
Master was the one who told me I could write, told me I have a kind heart and a lot to offer the world. Master believed in me, and more, he made me believe in myself. He also told me that my brother isn’t the Big I Am he thinks he is.
In Master, I felt like I’d found an ally, I’d found my “somewhere I belong”. I’d found someone who understood what it means and how it feels to suffer, and he felt the same about me. I wanted to please him, to be the salve for his pain. Again, he wanted to be the same for me.
I didn’t care what my family thought of me anymore, as long as he was happy with me. He also stopped caring what anyone else thought of him, as long as I liked him.
So how has my life changed? Finally, I have my somewhere I can call my “home”.
13.What has surprised you most about being a submissive?
That I don’t have to “be” anything other than myself, and I should never apologise for being me, nor water myself down for anyone.
When I started in submission, I had a real fear that I wasn’t “good enough” to be a submissive — I’m not! I’m fiesty, I’m spunky, I’m fun! So I’d convinced myself that no Dominant would want that in a submissive partner, that’s just not what a good girl is. Turns out, I can be wrong sometimes!
14. What are your safe words? Have you ever had to use your safe words/actions to stop play?
I have three safewords: “red”, “burgundy” and “pumpernickel”. There’s “yellow” too, which is more of a “slow down” word.
“Red”, which I use with Master Levi, is the usual “stop immediately” word. “Burgundy” is for social situations, if something (or someone) is making me uncomfortable. “Pumpernickel” is my safeword with Mister Valkyries.
I’ve only used “red” twice, only one of which was with Master Levi. Both times were canings — the first time the Dom in question ignored my “red”, prompting a Dungeon Master to get involved (yes, I ruined his reputation as a good and safe Dom after that, and no, I didn’t care. He put me at risk that night, why would I recommend him to others?). The other time was with Master Levi, and that was entirely my fault: I said our new acrylic cane didn’t hurt, so Master brought it down harder on my ass — boy did I regret my choice of words!
15. Have you got any no go zones (hard limits) on what you wouldn’t do as a submissive?
Yes absolutely, and I think it’s even good and healthy for a submissive to have them too. For a start, I won’t do anything illegal — beastiality, incest, pedophilia, narcotics and so on. I’d like to say it doesn’t happen, but you’d be surprised at what some people are into, or willing to do!
Secondly, I won’t play with anyone who is drunk. If they can’t look after themselves, how can they look after me? I also don’t involve tobacco in my scenes (or my life). Lung cancer killed my grandad, it’s not ruining my life too.
Third, no permanent marks or piercings. I try to maintain a professional, “clean”, respectable image.
No “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationships. Ethical non-mongamy is fine by me, cheating is not.
No emotional/psychological abuse. It’s not “jokes, it’s vicious and cruel. I want people in my life who build me up, not pull me down. I had enough of the latter when I was younger.
No scat/blood play/watersports. Just not my jam.
No public scenes. There are kids out there.
No behaviour modification. I’m a sassypants. Deal with it.
Deny my orgasms at your own peril. Christmas is coming up, your balls will look great covered in glitter and hung up on my tree.
No free-use — cocks are great, but I have real work to do. I also don’t swallow, though to fellow breeding enthusiasts, that’s very rarely a problem anyway.
I think that’s everything.
16. Why are you the type of submissive you are? (As opposed to other types of submissive)
I think I’ve always felt that there was more to submission than “just sex”. I mean, sex is great, but at least to me, submission isn’t about just sex; it’s about love. It’s about honour and pride and a willingness to do what you can to make that person happy and proud, and that doesn’t always come from just sex.
Also, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who saw me as “nice tits” or “nice ass” anyway, I have far more to offer than just my physical attributes. I’m a handywoman, a tactician, something of an interior designer, a bit of a cook/chef, a mediator, a mentor, a writer. I like being useful, and not just in sex. If I can be “useful” to my Dominant? I frickin’ love it! I’ll move heaven and earth to get the job done!
So that then leans more into service submission more than “just sex”, that’s where I derive most pleasure in my submission. I think, really, that’s what defines our submissive types: how do you enjoy pleasing your Dominant most?
17. How did you end up where you are? What other sorts of submission did you try before landing here?
Goodness, it’s been a journey, and really it started off being kept as a sex slave, as a sex plaything, not just by Master Levi but others too. I hated that; I felt objectified. Like nobody really saw me.
Then I think we tried DDlg for a while, quite a long while actually, and that was more for Master than it was for me. Master identifies as a Daddy Dom, but I don’t identify as a little girl. I mean, I definitely have my moments where I can be “little”, but I don’t identify that way.
Then I explored Owner/pet with B and that was fun, I really enjoyed that. Being a pet really allowed me to let go of my humanity; it allowed me to be wild and unashamed. Master calls me “Kitten” too, so I think somewhere inside of me, I never really stopped being Kitten/pet.
Then I think, in the flurry of relationships that I’ve had over the past few years, I realised that I got more out of my submission outside of the bedroom than I do in it. Again, that’s not to say that I don’t enjoy sex — I do — but I enjoy being able to please my Dominants generally, whatever the task may be!
18. No two relationships are the same (wouldn’t that be boring?) so please may we know what you each consider to be:
-The two main similarities in your lifestyles
Shae and I both have two Dominants, even if one of mine is “retired” (his word) and unofficial, he might as well be both active and official for how involved we are with one another. We’re both also professional, respectable/respected women outside of our BDSM, which probably makes owning us all the more appealing within it.
-The two main differences in your lifestyles
Asides the glaringly obvious difference that one of us is a sex slave and one is a service submissive, I think the other big difference is how Shae and I both see our submission. Shae sometimes talks about “enduring” her submission, as a purchased and owned slave, and I have never felt that way. For me, a service submissive, my submission is deeply rooted in consent, agency, and desire. I don’t “endure” anything for my Sirs — I enjoy everything I/we do, and I’m free to say “no” without consequence if I can’t/really don’t want to do something.
Really there’s three, and Shae and I have discussed this other one before: Shae enjoys emotional pain (humiliation) but dislikes physical pain. I enjoy physical pain, but don’t consent to emotional pain.
19. Is there an element of each other’s lifestyles that you might wish (or wish to ask) to incorporate into your own?
I’d really like to me known and accepted more as the submissive I am, like Shae is. Gosh this is kind of sensitive for me, but I experience a lot of push back from people who say I’m “not submissive” because I’m… well… not submissive! It gets tiring and frustrating honestly, having to define yourself all the time. The thing is I am submissive, I’m just very selective about who I give my submission to.
Okay, this is kind of funny, but an ex of mine used to call me “Little Lychee”. Why? Because I’m tough and prickly on the outside but I’m soft and sweet in the middle — like a lychee!
Master Levi also doesn’t let others know what I am, I guess because for him, BDSM is a sex thing, not a life thing, so nobody really needs to know what I am. So for somebody to finally say “this is Elena, my submissive”? Oof.
20. From what you know of each other, can you say what two things you praise each other for the most?
I think one of the things I most praise Shae for is her ability to handle the… shall we call them, the less savoury folk. When people know that you’re a submissive, out loud and publicly, you’re going to experience some disrespectful (and some downright opportunistic) people, and I think Shae handles them really well. Also the way Shae teaches through her writing about our lifestyle; I’ve been around for more than twice as long as Shae has and so I’ve sort of “been around the block” a bit more (though maybe not physically like Shae has 😉 ). However, Shae is brilliant at teaching her experiences through her words, and in her comments. I do pop over and comment occasionally myself, and I know some of our readers really value the exchanges between us.
That’s it from me for this post. How does your BDSM life differentiate from ours? Leave a comment below or read more of my kink & BDSM posts!
Until next time.
Stay safe & have fun,
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