This is a question that has come up quite a bit for me lately, and so I decided that it would make an interesting topic for a blog post. It’s a common belief that the media unfortunately doesn’t help to eliminate, that polyamory is all about sex. Whilst that’s certainly not to say that polyamorous people don’t have sex, it’s also not to say that that’s all polyamory is about. In today’s post, I want to share with you how I discovered ethical non-monogamy for myself, and what polyamory is really all about.
It all began for me way back in 2014; I had an emotional affair. It was never my intention to have an affair – for as far as I knew, then so long as part A never entered socket B and both partners had kept their hands (and mouths) to themselves, no crime had been committed. What I didn’t know back then was that emotional affairs also exist, and now my husband had caught me in one.
Fortunately we talked about it, and though he was devastated by my actions, he ultimately chose to forgive me. There was no intent in my messages, nothing other than talking, sharing and discovering more about myself – exactly the kind of thing I had always been encouraged to do.
It was never my intent to have an affair, I got into one by accident.
Fast forward a year or so, I found another man that I really wanted to connect with. This time though, I knew to speak with my husband about it first.
And to my surprise (and sweet relief!), he was completely fine with it. So I could relax and enjoy the connection, knowing that whatever we talked about, my husband was happy for me to be having these exchanges with another man.
It was Tom who introduced me to polyamory, to a way that I could love both my husband and another man (specifically, him) at the same time. It was novel for me and it felt a bit scary, all the while, it somehow made sense. It felt logical.
Of course I can love multiple people at the same time! That’s why I don’t have only one friend!
The guilt I sometimes felt was not because I was doing anything wrong, I realised. The guilt I felt was the guilt that society wanted me to feel for going against the grain, for being polyamorous in a largely-monogamous world. Even if both of my now-partners were happy for me to be this way, society still hated this about me. Society has tried to guilt and shame me back into the mould it created for me ever since, but I’m not budging.
Tom and I ultimately drifted apart, but whilst we had ended, I now had this new thing about me – I was polyamorous. My husband and I were now free to love one another, and other people if either of us ever wanted to. We trust one another not to leave.
And when you think about it, can’t we all? How many times have you been in love and been attracted to someone else at the same time? How many times have you felt the guilt and turmoil of loving two people at once?
Mongogamy is a largely Western social construct, and a cage that I (and my partners) have now broken free from.
When we define the love we have for other people, we need to remember the four types of love:
Storge – Love for our family
Philia – Love for our friends
Eros – Love for our romantic partner(s)
Agape – Unconditional love (for God)
Are they all the same style of love? I would surely hope not! Whilst I love my mother and brother deeply and unconditionally, rest assured that the love I have for them is very different from the love I have for my husband and partner!
And as great as both of my partners are, they are not Gods. As much as they both might like to believe they are 😉
But when we talk about polyamory, we refer specifically to Eros – or romantic love. We also talk about a Greek-Latin hybrid word, between the Greek “poly”, meaning “many”, and the Latin “amory”, or “love”. Like this, polyamory simply means “many loves”.
So Then, Does Romantic Love Mean Sex?
That argument falls flat on its face. Were that the case, then February 14th would look vastly different than what it does in most stores! It also neglects to be inclusive of our asexual polyamorous friends, whom don’t feel any sexual attraction.
Sexual attraction in and of itself can mean different things to different people as well. For example, as a demisexual and a sapiosexual, I need to know the person before I can fall in love with them. If you show me a “hot” celebrity or a “cute” guy from the gym, chances are that I’ll probably just shrug at best. However, if he’s got a Dad bod, an intelligent mind, a good heart and a fun, witty personality, I’ll probably fall in love!
So Does THAT Mean Sex?
Again no, it just means I’ll enjoy his company and want to spend more time in it.
But Doesn’t Love Mean Sex?
Nope! Sex can be a part of love, but being in love does not guarantee sex. True love typically guarantees:
- A close and special connection
- A mutual understanding
- Kindness & acceptance
- Respect
- Unconditional support
It’s only when we experience the core component of Eros love – a mutual attraction – that sex can be on the cards. Even then, it’s not respectful to expect sex from our partners. Sex is something we should want to have from a place of of love – it shouldn’t be an expectation!
My Partner And I Love One Another But We Don’t Have Sex Anymore. Now What?
If I had a pound for everytime I hear of this situation, let me tell you, I would be a very, very rich woman! Unfortunately, polyamory and ethical non-monogamy can help in some situations where couples are no longer having (or don’t wish to have) sex, but they are not a cure-all solution. If the “guaranteed five” above are missing in your relationship then I encourage you to look after yourself and fix those first. Then, just maybe, mutual attraction can return.
We’re Attracted To Each Other! So How About Now?
Still no! You see, in ethical non-monogamy people often have boundaries which can be different things for different people, and they must be respected if the relationship is to work. Although I can experience love for other people, my husband doesn’t want me having sex with other people right now, and I respect that. Polyamory isn’t about sex; polyamory is about love.
So, Is Polyamory About Sex?
Ignore the media. Whilst non-monogamy can absolutely be about just sex, polyamory is about oh so much more.
That’s it from me for this post. Have you tried polyamory or ethical non-monogamy before? Leave a comment below or read more of my relationships & sex posts!
Until next time.
Stay safe & have fun,
Found this article helpful? Say thanks with Ko-fi.
