What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

I think there are four pillars to any healthy relationship, whether it be a kinky one or not – trust, honesty, respect and communication. They are important in ANY relationship, but especially in BDSM.

Trust

Without trust, it would be hard if not impossible to do the things we do in our BDSM play. The trust between a Dominant and submissive is imperative; a Dominant trusts the submissive to be open, honest and respectful to them at all times, and the submissive trusts the Dominant not to put them in situations which may be harmful to them.  

Honesty

When we are dishonest we are lying to our partners, and ourselves. Without honesty there can be no trust, and without honesty there can be no effective communication. Once we are caught in a lie once, everything else we say gets pulled into question. Sure, the truth might be uncomfortable sometimes – perhaps we haven’t been fulfilling our obligations as a submissive, there is a new kink we want to try (that we’re ashamed to talk about) or something made us uncomfortable and we’re afraid to bring it up – but being honest is paramount to a healthy BDSM relationship. No matter how difficult it may be, it is always, always best to be honest. 

Respect

I personally believe that respect should be a given between people at all times and in all exchanges in life, but sadly not everyone agrees, and there are some submissive who are blatantly and intentionally rude to a Dominant to manipulate a punishment scene out of them, or “Dominants” who genuinely feel that a submissive is below them, as a person, and are therefore not worthy of the same respect that they would want to be shown themselves. Respect for one another in BDSM, I believe, intensifies the connection between Dominant and submissive; when the Dominant respects the submissive for what they endure from the Dominant, the submissive is more willing to endure more of that same treatment. When the submissive respects the Dominant, they are more willing allow themselves to be “disrespected” by their Dominant partner. Do note the inverted commas there, because BDSM is neither disrespect nor abuse, it is a consensual activity. 

 

Communication

How will a Dominant know what activities a submissive might like to try without communication? How will they know if there is a problem, without the use of safewords? Communication is what allows us to negotiate and navigate our BDSM play, from discovering shared kinks, agreeing the foundations, rules and roles of our dynamic and staying safe within it. Communication is important in all relationships, but never more important than it is in BDSM. 

How Does A BDSM Relationship Differ From A Vanilla Relationship?

First of all, let’s be clear that I despise the term “vanilla” – it’s stigmatising and shaming. People like what they like, or don’t like what they don’t like, and there is absolutely nothing wrong in deciding that BDSM is not for you if that is how you feel!

Second, what defines a BDSM relationship from a “vanilla” relationship? The presence of absence of BDSM! Hopefully, that is absolutely it – after all, you still need trust, honesty respect and communication to have any healthy relationship, whether it’s kinky or not! 

That’s it from me for this post. How do you keep your BDSM relationships healthy? Share your thoughts in the comments or read more of my 30 Days of Kink posts!

Just dipping your toe into the world of BDSM? Take a read of our FREE Guide To BDSM here!

Until next time!

Stay safe & have fun,

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