Kink and polyamory, for a life a little less vanilla.

Hey Lovelies, 

I received this bunch of questions about BDSM and ethical non-monogamy from a penpal who has asked to remain anonymous. I told him that I thought his questions were so interesting, I wanted to turn them into a blog post for both him and you. So, I hope you enjoy my answers and maybe learn something from them, and if you have any questions you’d like me to answer, do leave them in the comments below! 

To clarify, these questions are related to my life now, with my legal husband, Master Levi, and my work husband-turned-good-friend, Sir JGood. Although I legally only have one husband, sometimes it almost like I have two!

Does 24/7 BDSM help you to feel safer having your husband as a Dom, not having to worry so much about the everyday lifestyle? 

I think this is a common misconception about how we “do” 24/7 BDSM. Some 24/7 BDSM dynamics, like my blogger friend, slave Shae, are what we call “high protocol” dynamics — where much of the submissive’s life is managed. Others of us, including my own dynamic with Master Levi, are “low protocol” — where I have a lot more freedom (though not total freedom!). Namely I make my own choices about what I wear, what I eat, where I go, how I interact with people etc.

I think there’s also a lot of false belief — probably mostly because of porn — that a submissive doesn’t function unless a Dominant tells them to. That, unless instructed, we just stay put and don’t move. Dominants are human beings, submissives are human beings — of course we need to co-exist in a way that makes our everyday lives practical and possible! 

So for that I have a list of tasks/chores to do, rather than waiting for instruction. Master works in an office where he can’t always be texting me, much less responding if I want to know, say, what cloth or soap to use (because how dare I operate without his explicit instruction!). A Dominant typically requires a submissive to be at least somewhat intuitive; a submissive needs to have at least some idea of (and be willing to perform) what a Dominant might expect from them. Most Dominants don’t want to have to micro-manage a submissive all the time, and if they do find themselves with someone like that, they may release them and find someone who isn’t so difficult. 

Does it help me worry less? You know, that’s a complicated thing. I definitely feel more assured in my submission to Master Levi (and Sir JGood,  for that), but it’s not that I worry less. If I’m struggling, I can ask them for guidance or instruction, and their grounding, Dominant presence in my life helps me find recourse when I need it. So a Dominant is like an anchor in the storm, rather than a parental figure or something. Let’s go with that.  

As to your other (work) husband, how did that became something acceptable?

To understand that, we really have to go right back to the beginning. 

I grew up in a household with ethically non-monogamous parents. It wasn’t that my parents had people around very often, but my mother used to talk to men online nearly every night (in a chatroom for submissive women, because I remember I once asked her what “Dominated” meant — and now I know!). To me then, that was perfectly normal behaviour for a married woman.

Fast forward to not long after I married Master Levi, I had an online friend, Master had online friends, life seemed pretty cool. What he didn’t know — and what I didn’t know was wrong to do — was that I was talking about kinks and fantasies with my friend. To clarify, I’d never said anything like “I’d love to X your Y”, it was more “if we had a game of cat and mouse at the airport, this is how I might outfox you” — highly flirtatious, but not sexual in the least! 

Well, my husband saw it one day and he wasn’t impressed, and I was confused because at least in my eyes, I wasn’t doing anything wrong! So we did some talking, and I read some stuff. That was when I learned about it: I’d had an unintentional, emotional affair.

Yeah, I felt like crap. If I’d known about it, I never would have done it. After all, my husband is my number one! 

So the next time I found a guy to talk to online, T, I made sure my husband knew all about him. Things seemed pretty cool, but T introduced me to a word I’d never heard of before: polyamory. 

The more I read about it, the more polyamory made total sense for me — being able to love other people, without feeling guilty! I don’t say I was perfect — managing two relationships on your first try can be hard —but I tried.

After that came my relationship with W — that, unfortunately, was very tumultuous, and for a number of reasons. W was wracked with insecurities, so he would constantly try to compete with Master Levi and made him feel insecure in himself. W wasn’t okay with our hierarchical polyamory either — he had to be the Dom, with Master Levi being “submissive” to him. That, understandably, wasn’t okay with us. 

W was also trying to escape his marriage through adultery, and I wasn’t going to facilitate that — we could be online friends, but there’d be no hotel rooms unless and until his wife was okay with it. W abused me because I wouldn’t relent; he’d do anything he could to make me feel bad about myself, ghost me for weeks on end, then hoover me back in with gifts. Eventually we did break up, and I got an email from him on Christmas Eve 2023 to tell me that he was getting divorced and had found someone new, and thought it best we cut contact. I celebrated by letting off confetti cannons with my family at the stroke of midnight the following New Year’s Eve.

Then came B, and forgive me, but this is where things start getting a little more raw. B and I were friends for many years, both having our health conditions. After my break-up with W, B told me that he had desired me for a while, which came as a surprise to me as though B and I know one another as (BDSM) lifestyle friends, I’d never before considered a relationship with him before — we were close and flirtatious, sure, but I didn’t think we were that close!

B saw me through some monumentally hard times, including the loss of my father in 2019 and my struggle to win Personal Independence Payment, and now this unhealthy relationship with W as well. So I thought, you know what? Maybe he deserves me. 

So I gave us a shot. I don’t regret that decision. I’ve never regretted it. 

Unfortunately, B decided to go and try and meet someone else behind my back — his primary partner was informed of his decision, but I, as a secondary partner, was not. Apparently there wasn’t time. 

The fact that I was expected to “forgive and forget” because the other person didn’t show, I think, hurt even deeper than the original betrayal. It also showed me that we didn’t see one another in the same light, and that try as I might, I couldn’t trust him again. 

It still hurts to have lost such a close and special friend in that way.  

After B came L and N. Now, L and I were penpals on Slowly for a while, and unknown to me (and unknown to him), we’d kinda been crushing on one another from quite early in our friendship. So L asked me to help him and N explore ethical non-monogamy, he also said that N wanted to explore BDSM. So I said I know a great Dom who might be able to help — and I immediately asked Master Levi if he was up for the challenge. 

 Unfortunately, what unfolded was a whole shitshow of events. We learned after entering that relationship that L and N were trying for a baby at the same time as exploring ethical non-monogamy for the first time, so sexual contact between L and I had to be discontinued until N was pregnant, even though Master Levi was encouraged to enjoy N sexually (details of which I was often made privvy to without my consent). N was terrible at communication (a lot of silent treatments and triangulation went down, though Master Levi was by no means innocent), which meant L and I used a lot of our relationship energy to try and save their relationship. I also felt that N monopolised a lot of our shared partners’ time, and on the occasions when Master Levi did try and spend some one-on-one time with me, N would try to disrupt it by being bratty. 

Finally, I learned that Master Levi wasn’t really happy with the way we were doing open relationships at all — he was just trying to be happy to make me happy. 

The whole shebang ended with me feeling like I was being pushed out (by N and L) and deceived (by Master Levi), leading me to promptly end my relationship with L so that I could focus on myself and my marriage. I told Master that I thought N was manipulative, that I felt L had been enabling her abuse of me, and that if he chose to continue his relationship with N then I didn’t want to hear about it — essentially a DADT (Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell) relationship. He chose not to, because of some of her previous behaviours.  

After that, Master and I chose to “close up” (return to monogamy) for a month or two to heal our wounds and focus on our marriage. However, in that time we found closing up wasn’t the solution for us — we enjoy ethical non-monogamy, we’d just enjoy it more with respectful partners. We also needed to work out exactly how we wanted it to work. 

Sir JGood and I aren’t in a formal relationship, but we are in a metaphorical relationship — a working D/s relationship, if you will, and one that, so far, works quite fine for us 😉 

How was the transition itself?

Understandably there was a lot of anxiety, because of the past, but I think it was generally quite smooth. I’d told Master a few times that I had a “work husband” — just like he had a “work wife” — and we both knew these friendships aren’t a threat to our marriage. Whilst Master works for a different company now, Sir JGood and Master Levi are now known to one another, and though they don’t chat very often, I do think they’ve formed a bit of an alliance should I misbehave. Wonderful!

How did you take it? 

It’s an honour to be chosen, definitely. 

You know, this is something I’ve sort of written about before, and that Shae has addressed on her blog (sadly, I couldn’t find the post), but a submissive like me doesn’t choose their Dominant — a Dominant chooses their submissive. 

Of course a submissive can say “no” to a relationship — we’re not actually slaves: everything we do is based on consent. But a submissive can’t force a Dominant to choose them, and it would be wrong for a submissive to try and manipulate a Dominant into choosing them. It has to happen organically, if it happens at all. 

For me, a lot of Dominants (or the ones who are drawn to me) are drawn to my playful, mischievous, flirtatious nature — they don’t want a meek “good girl”; they want a girl with her own voice and opinions, who will obey them when it matters. They don’t want a pile of malleable flesh either; they want a challenge — a little something that makes it all worth their while 😉  

What benefits has it brought to you and your marital husband? 

For my husband, he has a new friend — actually, that goes both ways when you think about it! Both Master Levi and Sir JGood get along very well, and I am proud of them both for that. There’s no jealousy or competition between them either, which means that the three of us can get on with enjoying the connection that we share with one another.  

For me, I have an experienced, semi-retired Dom and business partner in my life now, someone (else) that I get along with and can laugh with every day. I wouldn’t say that my relationship with Sir is romantic in the slightest, at least not currently, though who knows what the future holds?

What were the downfalls? 

None. 

The struggles? 

We’ve had a few communication difficulties in the past but nothing that couldn’t be overcome. Namely things not quite carrying how they were meant to in text. 

Sir JGood’s wife also prohibits us being more than friends, so we’re limited on what we can do together, even if we came very close to crossing boundaries in a roleplay once. Despite that being damning, I don’t see it as a bad thing — if anything, I think it shows how compatible we really are! 

Finally, lots of my friends and family friends, I have learned, are really judgey people. I used to be vocal in my expressions of happiness when I was with B, not caring who thought what of what I did. It turned out, a lot of people saw me as a slut; saw me as a woman who went around fucking other men and cuckolding my poor husband. They let my family hear their opinions, and that hurt far more than if they’d just called me a slut to my face — it was like my actions were dishonouring our family. 

Also to add, they were completely wrong on two accounts: first of all, my relationship with B was completely non-physical. Even if we both wanted more, my metamour — my partner’s other partner — wasn’t comfortable with it. Secondly, my husband is my primary Dom — he enjoys sharing me with other Dominant-leaning men! 

Does your second husband work as an emotional escape from husband number one?

No, absolutely not, and I think that’s a really important boundary to set because it can cause toxicity between them. There has been only one occasion that I moaned to Sir JGood about Master Levi: last Friday, when Master came home drunk. I was (perhaps understandably!) furious and needed someone to talk to. 

I want to brush up on something else here because I have been on the flipside of that situation myself, in a way: in my relationship with L and N, N told me once that I was her “favourite” Dominant (I tend to be more Dominant with women). I remember feeling that it was really unhealthy — I wasn’t honoured at all, I felt like I was being woven into a web of lies and deceit. Instead of telling our Dominants when they were missing the mark for her, N enjoyed having me as the one who would hit it when they couldn’t. I was honoured in a way because I’d rather hit the mark than not, but still, I’d rather be honest than be a “favourite”. I’d like to think my partners wouldn’t see their primary or secondary status as a preference ranking either, because it’s not meant to be. Hierarchy for me is about practicalities, not preferences. 

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

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