Hello Lovelies,

A few days ago, a Lovehoney Forum member asked about the difference between eye contact and eye fucking. Being someone who both freely makes eye contact (and loves a good eye fuck), I drew this distinction: 

“Eye contact is politeness, it’s just showing that you’re engaged in a conversation or aware of someone’s presence. Eye fucking is when you both know this could go somewhere. 

Or, if you want my full (relevant) post, I said that:

Eye contact is politeness, it’s just showing that you’re engaged in a conversation or aware of someone’s presence. There’s nothing meant in it, it’s just polite.

Eye fucking is when you both know this could go somewhere. I often say it feels “nuclear-tinged”; it could go to “DEFCON1” if you know what I mean — eye fucking could lead to actual fucking.

Eye fucking is also sometimes used aggressively. Case in point, I have a neighbour who is quite clearly hot for me, but he’s also manipulative and likes to play mind games, including jealousy games with a fake throuple. He likes to maintain eye contact, kind of as a dominance move, so I eye fuck him back — no, I’m not going to actually sleep with him (I don’t want to), but I’m putting the thought of it very firmly into his mind. I know he imagines it, and I’m making him imagine it more. Why? Because imagining it is as good as he’s ever going to get, but also because by making him imagine it (instead of getting jealous and begging him to date me), I hold the upper hand. Maybe some day, he’ll actually get the hint.

I should say here that I enjoy mind games, but the right mind games — I enjoy strong eye contact (eye fucking) and word play. It’s a kind of foreplay for me, long before you even get to the bedroom. I’m quite an intense character, in a way; I intimidate guys who aren’t so sure of themselves — I dress well, I’m intelligent, confident and articulate. Hence, they try and “bring me down a peg” by playing mind games. It never works out for them.

Where it can become creepy is when it’s not wanted; when you’re eye fucking someone who, essentially, merely acknowledged that you exist. In that situation, you’re now staring at them and creeping them out. Don’t try and eye fuck someone who isn’t trying to stare into your eyes, you’ll come across aggressive, creepy and rude.

For brevity’s sake, and using (Sir) JGood ‘s example, eye contact ends at two Mississippis. Eye fucking is when you say “fuck the Mississippis”.

So I ask, do I really need to be more clear than that? I don’t think there is any more to be said, but dear Sir JGood was so impressed by my answer, he wanted me to write about it this week. So that’s what I’m doing today: eye fucking, and how eye fucking can enhance your BDSM play. 

Let me start by being honest: eye contact is a big thing for me. Probably the most important thing, in fact; even more important than body shape or eye colour. I know that eye contact can be an uncomfortable experience for our neurodivergent friends, but for me, it shows that you’re not intimidated by me — and I find that incredibly hot. 

I’ve fondly shared with you previously my memories of David at my old naturist swimming club. David and I used to eye fuck one another a lot, and I think, given half the chance, we would have properly fucked, too. Unfortunately that wasn’t an option (damn club rules!) but what was an option? Of course we could look at one another and talk to one another! So we used to fuck one another, mentally, with our eyes and words. Sadly and in spite of that, we never did close the deal. 

Why not? Because despite his amazing eye fucking game, David had no interest in kink, and kink is something I simply can’t be without. 

When it comes to BDSM, I absolutely love eye fucking — I love those little staring contests! It’s something that Master Levi and I used to do way back when, and me being me, I was too damn naive to understand it at the time. Now I do understand, and now that I understand, I’m much better prepared to match it. 

How To Eye Fuck For Better BDSM

Think of it as a show of Dominance, or a show of confidence: it doesn’t have to be hard and aggressive, it can just be enough to knock them off their pedestal. Think, for example, if you have a Dominant partner and you’d normally divert your gaze to show submission. Now lift your gaze suddenly, smile and imagine the things you’d like to do to them. BAM! You’re not overpowering them, you’re challenging them.

And so you see? Suddenly, you’ve put them at a crossroads; they’re now in a bind that they need to get out of. If they concede, it means you’ve “won”, so they have to rise to the challenge — and some Dominants love a submissive who challenges them! 

Obviously, don’t play these kinds of games in dynamics where you have eye contact restrictions. It’s one thing having fun with your Dominant partner, it’s quite another acting in a way that they consider inherently disrespectful. If you’ve agreed upon eye contact restrictions (ie high-protocol dynamics), you should always honour your rules. 

As for my Dominant counterparts? It is said that the eyes are the window into the soul, and nothing can pin a submissive quite like your command that they meet your gaze. No, it doesn’t have to be aggressive — your commanding their attention and respect, not their immediate and unconditional surrender. Gain the former, and the latter may follow naturally. Trust me on this 😉 

Or maybe you want to try undressing them with your gaze? For the submissives among, that can be equally immense. You’re not actually disrobing them of course — you’re mentally disrobing them. And they can feel it, too. 

Want to up the ante? If your submissive asks what you’re thinking about, you can play this one of two ways: either tell them “nothing”, but don’t divert your gaze — let them feel objectified. 

Or depending on where you are, you could tell them in explicit detail exactly what you’re thinking about, what you’re imagining, what you’d like to do with them etc. Extend your eye-fucking to a mind-fucking for an experience that they will never want to leave!

Your gaze is your tool, wield it wisely 😉

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

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