When we hear the term “expert”, we immediately imagine someone with degrees or a whole field of knowledge and experience in an area. We believe that this is someone that we should look up to, acknowledge and respect beyond all reasonable doubt. They are, afternall, an “expert” in their field.
But what if I told you, after almost two decades of experience, that I am still nowhere near close to considering myself as an “expert” in BDSM?
You see, being a BDSM expert would imply that I have a broad range of knowledge or experience in domination, submission, rope bondage, spanking, flogging, wax play, CBT and a whole host of other things.
What do I really have lots of experience and knowledge in? Safe sex, healthy communication, introducing BDSM to relationships, impact play, sensation play and wax play. That’s about it.
If you want advice on contracts, I’d tell you to focus on your relationship an and come up with some rules and agreements that work for you and your partner. If you want my advice on rope bondage and knots, I could advise you on some of my preferred books by people who are much more knowledgeable in these fields, but even after these 15+ years, I am still not a BDSM expert. Even though I am passionate about BDSM and know a bit about many things, I still simply don’t know everything.
It really concerns me when I see young people, some of them much younger than me, proclaiming themselves to be “BDSM experts”. What gives them this “expert” knowledge that others simply don’t have? What gives them the right to proclaim intellect over anybody else in this field?
I feel that I need to point out two considerations here:
1. There Are No Diplomas And There Is No Master Nor Sensei In BDSM.
So what, then, does it come down to? Are these “experts” being taught by other “experts”? A sort of ouroboros of hand-me-down experiences and sometimes shitty opinions of BDSM?
Are these “experts” also the same people who appear regularly in clinics because they have new partners so frequently? (Not that I am in any way against safe sexual practices, of course! It’s just that regular new sex partners doesn’t make you an expert in BDSM).
Are these “experts” people who have somehow done everything once in the same few short years and decided that they are now experts at it all?
2. What these so-called “experts” teach is simply their knowledge and experience, exactly the same as anyone else.
In fact, “BDSM expert” isn’t a title you can really give yourself at all.
If you want me to tell you about my experiences with scratching or biting or tickling, then I will gladly share my knowledge with you and hope that it will inspire you. What I will not do, however, is tell you exactly what you should do, other than basic safety precautions. How hard you bite or where you tickle is all up to you.
When I started out in the BDSM community, I was fortunate enough to speak with a man who gave me one piece of resounding (and damning) advice;
“Don’t listen to the experts, there aren’t any. They can’t have done everything.”
What concerns me the most is some of the perceptions of BDSM that some of these “experts” give to the newcomers. Here are some of the worst ones that I’ve heard:
1. If you aren’t complacent and obedient, then you aren’t really a submissive.
2. If you aren’t strict, then you’re not being a good Dominant.
3. No Dominant wants a brat. Brats are bad and undesirable submissives.
4. If you don’t have a contract then it’s not a BDSM relationship.
5. If you’re an owned submissive, then your orgasms belong to your Dominant. If you don’t agree then you aren’t being a good submissive.
6. If you are a submissive then you should treat all Dominants with respect and as a superiority, even those who don’t own you.
That’s not to say that all “experts” hold these opinions, but these are definitely some of the most common ones that I have come across.
So what does a BDSM “expert” advise you to do?
In my very humble opinion, my best and only advice is to TALK to others and READ. If you are interested in something in our community, Google it, read up on it, find people who have done it and talk to them about their experiences. Gather knowledge and work through it. Don’t rely on the knowledge and experience of one “expert”, depend on the shared knowledge and experiences of many.
That’s it from me for this post. Have you met a self-professed “BDSM expert” before? Leave a comment below or read more of my kink & BDSM posts!
Until next time.
Stay safe & have fun,
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