Hello Lovelies and welcome to this post,
April marks Neurodiversity Celebration Month, a month to raise awareness of and celebrate the minds of us whose brains work a little differently to others. Perhaps you (or someone you know) are neurodiverse? Well, it’s time to celebrate!
In this post, I wanted to focus particularly on how neurodiversity can present and impact kink. I’ve seen it come up a handful of times on the Lovehoney Forum, and today, I wanted to talk about it, and some tools and tips to hopefully help you.
What Is Neurodiversity?
Coined in the late 90’s by Australian sociologist Judy Singer, the word is used to describe individuals whose minds perhaps don’t work in ways society expects — or like “neurotypical” people. Indeed, before then we used terms like “normal” or “abnormal”, or even more hurtful phrases like “crazy” or “loopy”. By identifying people as neurodivergent we accept and embrace the support they might need, without labelling them as wholly dysfunctional.
My Experiences With Neurodiversity
I myself am neurodiverse: I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. My OCD doesn’t present itself in the “typical” ways, like excessive cleaning or hand-washing: my obsessions stem around causing harm to — or harm happening to — my loved ones. When I was younger, I used to hoard the last of any candy given to me by a loved one, and only once I’d seen them again — and had something new to remember them by — could I eat it. The amount of half-eaten packets of sweets in my bedroom used to drive my poor mother insane, and I would not eat them because to my warped little brain, eating them was like wishing death upon my loved ones. Welcome to life with OCD.
When I was younger — back in the 1990’s — several people suspected that I might also be autistic, and it has taken me more than thirty years of self-analysis to realise that that is not the case. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with being autistic, it’s just that I knew the autism label didn’t fit me.
I remember so vividly looking at one photo from my childhood: I am looking into the camera, ash blonde hair cut just below my earlobes. I’m holding eye contact with the camera operator, and I am smiling.
The way that I engaged with people, I knew and could see, I was not autistic. I had friends, I have friends and I used to love going out partying — I’m sometimes even the life of the party!
When I asked my mother quite recently what autistic traits people did see in me, it wasn’t enough to convince me I should have been diagnosed. So I was mature for my age and I often preferred to explore alone instead of playing House with my peers? Wow! Talk about jumping to conclusions!
A number of people now, however, do think that I may also have ADHD.
But let’s talk now about neurodiversity in kink.
How Neurodiversity Can Show Up In Kink
Because neurodiversity covers a range of conditions, the way that it can impact different people can show up in different ways. For example, some people might suddenly develop aversionsvto textures or smells, lose interest in sex, find it hard to communicate or be wholly unable to remember the words they want to use. They may go off of sex or find touch uncomfortable, or they may suddenly want their relationship to be more intense, or less. Some neurodivergent people may also present by different genders or pronouns — roughly three to six times more neurodivergent people identify as LGBTQIA+ than neurotypical people do.
Because of this, it’s important to understand that your partner is not trying to be difficult; their brain really is wired differently, and they may need different things, or have a much harder time communicating their wants and needs than what neurotypical people might do. Below are some tips that can help:
1. Take Some Time To Understand Your Partner’s Condition
One of the best things you can do for a neurodivergent partner is take some time to understand their condition, not just what it is, but how it impacts them. A lot of people think they know what OCD is, but when they learn how my OCD affects me, it completely flips the script. Understanding your partner can help deepen your bond and make them feel more seen.
2. Find A Method Of Communication That Works For YOU
A lot of people would insist on direct conversations, but for a number of neurodivergent people, direct eye contact (or probing, personal questions) may be deeply uncomfortable. Given this, it really helps to find a way to communicate that doesn’t apply unnecessary pressure, and makes both partners want to engage. Perhaps you can talk by text/IM, have a phone call, or use a shared journal like Embrace?
Neurodivergent people are more vulnerable to exploitation and manipulation too, so it’s crucial to establish that they understand both what they’re engaging in, and what they are consenting to.
3. Understand Sensory Issues
For people with Sensory Processing Disorders and Sensitivities, certain sensations, experiences or triggers can be unbearable. Maybe your partner is asexual (a number of neurodivergent people are) or doesn’t like the feel of bodily fluids or lubricant? Perhaps a certain texture or sensation (like tickling or prickly sensations) is a no go for them. Ask about them, avoid them, and stick to exploring the things you both enjoy.
4. Make Space For Stimming
A lot of neurodivergent people stim when things get too intense, and in BDSM, things can definitely get intense. Having fidget or sensory toys to hand can be a great help, and having an extra safeword or a gesture to access these tools will be a must. Playing with a fidget toy in a full rope harness? We’re all for it!
5. Explore Sensory-Heavy Kinks
Things like bondage and sensation play particularly can be great for neuro folks as they can provide a “release”. A lot of people find that rope bondage feels like a hug, and sensation and impact play can help release those intense feelings that a lot of neurodivergent people experience. Those don’t have to be your only options though — you can explore any kink you like!
6. Set Boundaries
I know, I know, a lot of people hate the phrase “autism is a reason, not an excuse”. I understand that, I really do, but it does have a degree of truth. Sadly, some neurodivergent people will use their condition as an excuse to carry on with unacceptable behaviours, so even if it can be a reason for a behaviour, it can never be an excuse. It is absolutely acceptable, for example, to insist on regular, respectful communication, rather than long silences or hurtful remarks. If your partner is prone to emotional outbursts, it’s also completely okay to say that they can not be abusive towards you. Respect must go the other way too, and clear, respectful communication is a must, for both parties involved.
If your partner has a tendency to mask or people please, it is also important that they understand honesty and vulnerability are crucial to BDSM. Without them, it cannot work.
7. Keep It Fun!
Got yourself a spicy nugget? Embrace them! A lot of neurodivergent people are smart, creative and packed full of energy (with regular need for spontaneous naps), so if you have a neuro nugget in your life, love them with all you’ve got. They may need a little bit of care and consideration sometimes, but that doesn’t mean your D/s dynamic can’t be choc full of fun!
That’s it from me for this post. How do you make kink with neurodiversity work for you? Leave a comment below or read more of my kink & disabilities posts!
Until next time.
Stay safe & have fun,
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