Hello lovelies,
This week and for OCD Awareness Week, I thought about discussing something that rarely gets discussed in society: OCD and sex, or particularly, OCD and kink. OCD, or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, is often referred to as “the doubting disease” because it makes the sufferer doubt whether they did things, or whether things are true of themselves.
OCD is more common than people realise. Affecting approximately 2% of the population at any one time, it is entirely possible to know someone with OCD, or have OCD yourself. If you suspect you might have the disorder, I highly suggest you seek a diagnosis and therapeutic intervention right away. A trained therapist can soon have you on the road to feeling better.
My Journey With OCD
Early memories of the disorder for me begin in childhood. Twice a month my parents had a date night and left us eith a babysitter, who was quite lovely, but had absolutely no hope of quelling my anxiety. Each time my parents went out, I would lie awake in bed and imagine my parents being involved in a fatal car crash while they were away feom home, and i would blame myself for not being there to protect them. Tears would roll down my face as I heard their gasps of terror, the screeching tyres and the final impact, all from within my mind. I’d sit at the top of the stairs and cry, or watch from their front-facing bedroom window for them to come home. Only when I knew they were home and safe could I finally settle.
In my late childhood and early teens, I went through a hoarding phase. I would keep the last one of every sweet I was given by someone, holding onto it in a box like a momento of that person. Mentally, I told myself that this piece of candy kept that person alive, consuming it would kill them, and i could only eat it the next time that person – typically my grandparents – gave me more sweet treats to eat. It was a habit that drove my poor mother to the brink of insanity, and even brought ants into our home.
In 2012, before our wedding, I experienced intrusive thoughts of stabbing my future husband. I was so horrified by the thought that I pleaded Matt not to go through with the wedding (fortunately, he insisted) and I threw out all of the sharp knives and scissors in our home – I had to be sure that I couldn’t cause harm him because I was, I believed, a violent monster who wanted to do harm to others. I even broke down in tears after signing the register at our wedding because I was terrified that I was going to go on a violent rampage with the cake knife, before the night was through. I trembled when we posed for the iconic cake-cutting photo because I didn’t want to be anywhere near the knife, you know, just in case.
I was formally diagnosed with “Pure O” (Purely Obsessional) OCD the following year, in 2014, and I began Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) sessions with Exposure & Response Prevention (ERP) almost right away. ERP is tough, but it really is the most effective therapy against OCD – I can now mostly laugh at the junk my brain comes up with sometimes. I also learned about cognitive distortions through CBT and was able to learn to recognise a lot of my thinking patterns, going forward. I won’t admit perfect there – I can still be a catastrophic thinker!
Who Develops OCD?
Absolutely anyone can develop OCD at any age and for any reason, but it is generally not detected until children reach primary school, about six years old. OCD typically latches onto our greatest fear and can morph or co-exist: it is possible to have more than one obsession at once.
The Many Faces Of OCD
A lot of people think of OCD as excessive orderliness, compulsive hand-washing, checking and rechecking things, but OCD cam take many forms. For example, it could involve
- Hand-washing
- Tidiness and organisation (keeping things obsessively in order)
- Hoarding
- Checking
- Doing things a certain number of times, or a certain way
- Avoidance behaviours
- Reassurance seeking (Googling)
- “Testing” a thought out
And many more.
You’ll note in my previous section that I mentioned “Pure O” OCD. Pure O is a bit of a misnomer because it implies that the sufferer does not display any outward compulsive behaviours, when this is rarely true. Many people with Pure O do have compulsions such as avoidance, reassurance-seeking and checking or “testing” behaviours, for example, a heterosexual man with homosexuality OCD (a subset of Pure O) may hang around in the men’s restroom to “test” whether he feels attracted to other men. Keep this example in mind, because we’ll come back to it towards the end of this post.
Why You’re Probably NOT “A Little Bit OCD”
If I had a pound for every time I heard someone say that they are “a little bit OCD” about something, this blog could probably fund itself for a year. The simple fact of the matter is, OCD is a whole diagnosis in itself – it’s a bit like saying “I’m a little bit diabetic” or “I’m a little bit Parkinson’s”. It’s possible to have a condition only mildly, or well-managed, but it is not possible to have only a “little bit” of a condition. When we say we’re “a little bit OCD”, we’re overlooking perhaps the worst part of OCD: intrusive thoughts and crippling fear.
OCD has two components: obsessions and compulsions. When people think of OCD, they typically only think of the bits they see – the compulsions, like hand-washing, cleaning and tidying – not the anxious, intrusive, obsessive thoughts that lead people to perform those ritualistic compulsions. It’s fine(ish!) to be persnickety about your preference for something to be a certain way, but if it’s not causing you crippling anxiety for it to be that way, or if you don’t think something bad will happen if you don’t do things that way, then the chances are good, you probably don’t have OCD – a little bit, or a lot.
Kink, OCD & The Media: How Perceptions Affect Those Who Suffer
Unfortunately, time and time again the media likes to portray kinky people as being people who are just a little bit… odd. Take Christian Grey, for example: Christian suffers childhood abuse, which makes him anxious and controlling (possibly PTSD) because of it. For people with OCD who may convince themselves that their kinks are demonstrations of them being monsters who want to do bad things with good people (or children), this can understandably cause a lot of uncertainty and anxiety. For those who have watched media portrayals of people who perform sadomasochistic acts and engage in violent ritualistic behaviours, I urge you to keep in mind that these are typically media portrayals of fictional characters, not real people. Again, if your anxiety is such that entertainment is causing you to doubt yourself, then I highly suggest seeking professional support. I personally don’t watch horror movies anyway; I’m far too sensitive to graphic violence, which is probably why my brain likes to torture me with those sorts of thoughts – again, OCD loves to torture sufferers with thoughts and ideas that stand in sharp contrast to our personal values!
Keeping OCD At Bay In Your BDSM Play
Perhaps what you came here for was actual guidance in keeping your OCD at bay while you engage in BDSM activities? Well then, I have you covered. Here are the top things that work for me:
- Separate yourself from your OCD – one of the things you learn in therapy is that “I have OCD, but my OCD is not me”. You are someone with OCD, you are not your OCD itself. It can be helpful to give your OCD brain a name, and tell it to shut up when you need to! Perhaps the name of a high school bully?
- Practice mindfulness – forget about what you are thinking, what are you feeling? What’s going on? What can you see? Hear? Smell? Pull yourself back to the moment, and if you get sidetracked, gently pull yourself back again. It takes practice, but it can be done.
- Breathe deeply – when we’re anxious, we breathe more shallow. So, sit or stand up straight and take a few, slow, deep breaths. Feel better already?
- Get plenty of rest beforehand – if there’s one thing I love, it’s sleep. I know when I’m lacking it – my brain is fuzzy and my thoughts are at their worst. If you need a nap before you engage in BDSM play, go for it! Just try not to make it more than half an hour.
- Eat well and exercise a little – have you ever heard the saying “you are what you eat?”, well, with OCD it’s more “you feel how you eat”, so if you eat rubbish, you’ll probably feel rubbish. I’m not saying don’t have the occasional small treat, but I find a diet rich in fruit and vegetables, nuts (the plant kind, gentlemen!), lean meats and wholegrains has definitely seen an improvement in my mental health. Also, finding an exercise that you enjoy can do wonders too – there’s a reason I swim twice a week!
- Avoid alcohol and drugs – alcohol is a mood suppressant, and I find that the more alcohol I drink, the worse my OCD gets. If your OCD leads you to believe all kinds of horrible things about yourself, is it really worth consuming things that are going to further mess with your brain?
Kink & OCD: Are We Really Monsters?
As mentioned at the start of this post, OCD is called “the doubting disease” and for a lot of people, that means that it leads them to doubt things about themselves, including whether keep their family safe enough, are attracted to members of the same (or opposite sex, for homosexual people) or want to harm other people or animals. There are no definitive answers, but for the most part, those who fear committing wrongful acts against others will in fact not go on to commit them, purely because they do not want to perform these acts, regardless of what their OCD brain tells them. They will sometimes even go to extreme measures to prevent it from happening – including trying to get themselves hospitalised, if they feel it is necessary.
You’ll remember I gave the example of a heterosexual man with homosexual OCD hanging out in the men’s toilets to “test” whether he was attracted to other men? A truly gay man likely wouldn’t do this. Truly gay men who are attracted to other men do not typically question whether they are attracted to other men; they know they are. Likewise, pedophiles, serial killers and sexual predators likely don’t question whether or not they enjoy doing the things that they do. They know they do – there’s very little doubt about it.
That’s it from me for this post. Do you have OCD? How Does it impact your BDSM play? Leave a comment below or read more of my Kink & Disabilities posts!
Until next time!
Stay safe & have fun,
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