Hello Lovelies and welcome to today’s post,

Perhaps you’ve read my previous (and popular) post, about channelling your inner Dom in a meditation for submissives? Today I wanted to take a look at the other side of the coin and help aspiring Dominants find their confidence, by channelling their inner Dom!

I first entered the world of BDSM in 2006 as a Dominatrix myself. As a woman who had led for years prior, and led every day in her day-to-day life (I was a carer for my grandmother at the time), it seemed logical to me that I would lead in BDSM! It wasn’t about power and control for me; it was about leading and caring for my submissive partners, as I cared for other people. The fact that I could affect them psychologically and leave them yearning for me? That was just a sweet, sweet bonus!

When I started roleplaying as a Domme, I made the fatal mistake that so many new Dominants make: I believed that I needed to be harsh and aggressive; I believed I should always be strict and in control. I thought that in order to be a Domme, I had to be a Domme — I had to be this strict, cold, unforgiving disciplinarian all of the time. I cringe now when I think about it!

So today, I want to try and save you from making the same mistakes that I did, and to maybe quell your anxiety so that you go from “how to be a Dom?” to “I am a Dom!”. It’s a big challenge, but if we work together, I think we’re up to the task. Are you ready?

Before we begin, I want you to know a couple of things about me. First of all, I have always been a leader. No, not a bossy “do as you’re told!” leader (well, not always!), but one who people actually turn to to lead them. From as young as I can remember, people have turned to me to get things done — for ideas, for support, for encouragement. I’ve also been recognised for my ability to lead people, so when it comes to leadership, I know what I’m talking about!

The other thing is that I taught my Dominant husband, Master Levi, how to be a Dominant. I know! It sounds paradoxical that a submissive would “train” their Dominant, but when he met me, he didn’t know the first thing about BDSM. So I kind of became his point of information and encouragement: the one who not only suggested the things he should read or watch, but also encouraged him when he got it right. I encourage that: if you have a submissive partner, or a partner who is interested in being a submissive — communication matters, and it’s only fair that you get to hear when you get it right!

So now that I’ve told you a little about my formative days, both as a Dominant and as a leader, let’s get you where you want to be!

How To Channel Your Inner Dom: Building Confidence In Dominance

**1. Let Go Of What You Think A Dom Should Be**

Whatever preconceptions of what a Dominant is or should be, I want you to release them now. Porn or movies, though great for fantasy, they’re just that — they’re fantasy, and you are real.

2. Find Out What Your Partner Likes (If You Have One)

If you have a partner who is or wants to be submissive, find out what they desire in a Dominant partner. Encourage open, honest communication, and let that be a standard for you as a Dominant — respectful communication must come from both sides in order for BDSM to work.

3. Think About The Qualities You Like In The Dominants That You Know

Is it a dress style? A personality trait? A style of sex? How could you make that work for you? Take inspiration from other examples you’ve seen, without embodying them completely (note to past self: you are not Selina Kyle!)

4. Learn To Love Yourself

What lies at the heart of real confidence? Loving yourself — all of the improvising in the world will look like just that if you don’t learn to love yourself! Stop comparing yourself to other people and instead compare yourself to the old versions of you. How have you improved?

5. Practice Giving Instructions

A key part of being a Dominant is being able to instruct your submissive — but that’s instructing them, not barking orders at them! Practice giving commands to an imaginary submissive (“kneel”, “hands behind your back” etc) and see what tone feels authentic and grounded for you. But remember: if you can’t take yourself seriously then the chances are, neither will your submissive!

6. Study BDSM

Embracing your inner Dominant is great, but your confidence will improve if you study the art of BDSM itself. As well as learning to be Dominant, learn how to spank, flog, and tie rope, and learn the importance of consent and negotiation, safewords and aftercare. Learn how to control a submissive’s orgasms and how to mindfuck. The better your skills within BDSM are, the more confident in your Dominance you’ll be.

7. Attend BDSM Workshops

As well as studying BDSM, workshops are a great way for you to watch, learn and even practice skills taught by other experienced Dominants. Check out local BDSM events near you and check whether they have any workshops coming up. If you see one you might like, be sure to pop along. You won’t be out of place — many experienced kinksters are eager to share their knowledge with enthusiastic learners!

8. Make Friends With Other Kinksters

This one should be obvious, but when you befriend other kinky people you begin to realise how many other people are into the things you enjoy, and quite how “weird” you’re not! It can be daunting to make friends with kinksters — we know, we’ve all done it — but I promise we don’t bite unless you ask us very nicely. Not sure where to start? Why not join Fetlife, or come say hi on our Discord server? We’ll be glad to show you the ropes!