Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

I find this a very interesting question following on from my fantasies post last week because in that post I briefly summarised on how a change in my fantasies likely portrays a change in my kinks, and I find it doubly interesting given a Slowly penpal that I replied to earlier this week was seeking a female-led relationship, and I had to explain that though I used to be her, I no longer seek to be her. Confused? Let’s dig in!

When I started out my journey in BDSM I started out Domme, because that’s just what I thought I was supposed to be. A leader, a carer and a protector, I thought I was supposed to be Dominant because that’s just what I was used to being – I knew no other way! The men who experienced me loved me because I was projecting my ideal Dominant onto them, and my ideal Dominant was both firm and fair. In me, though, something was amiss. I had fantasies that I wanted to explore but couldn’t, and there were times when I was exhausted from carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. A Dominant can’t just switch off, though – caring for a submissive’s welfare is a big responsibility!

I think t was late 2007 that my then-submissive, A, told me that he was going away for a year to “forget about things, including us”. That hurt me deeply, but I knew that his decision wasn’t really about me; it was about him and the shame that he felt for living the life he lived with my assistance.

A and I had no further contact for about four years. He did try and reach out to me again, but by that time I had moved on and I could tell that he still felt some animosity towards me. A wanted to fight me over whatever demons were his own, and I wasn’t going to put myself in harm’s way. Plus, in his absence, I had finally been completely free to explore my own submissive side. 

My biggest fear coming into submission was that I wouldn’t be “good enough” – I knew that I wasn’t meek and mild like a submissive was “supposed” to be. I have attitude and sass, and I knew that I wouldn’t (or at least, so I believed) be desirable to a Dominant that didn’t appreciate my sass. I probably made myself undesirable in that time, perpetually pouting over the fact that I wasn’t “good enough” to be a submissive. I put roles aside for a time and I focused instead on just making friends. 

What I found, as if by magic, was that an overwhelming number of people who gravitated towards me were fellow brats, but also Dominants who did appreciate my sense of humour. Hell, my quick wit and can-do attitude even made me desirable to own, and with it, so did a number of my other (non-physical) attributes. Compared to some other submissives, my boobs weren’t a selling point for me anymore. Now, they are an added bonus! 

When I came into submission I was also afraid to say no, fearing that that made me a “bad” submissive. I met a man who wanted to give me a VCH piercing (I don’t think he was qualified) if he owned me, and another who expected me to practically live in latex to please him. What I learned, and over time, is that the more reasonable Dominants almost expect you to be human, they expect you to have other things you want and need to do, like family commitments and a job. 

So I think compared to when I started 19 years ago, now I know that I am desirable exactly as I am, and I don’t need to pretend to be anyone or give more than what I am willing. There are people, Dominants and submissives alike, who love me exactly for who and what I am, and that’s a pretty darn awesome feeling! 

That’s it from me for this post. How have you grown in BDSM? Share your thoughts in the comments or read more of my 30 Days of Kink posts!

Just dipping your toe into the world of BDSM? Take a read of our FREE Guide To BDSM!

Until next time!

Stay safe & have fun,

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