Equal in value, different in role.

Hello Lovelies, 

Fellow blogger and sister in submission slave Shae raised an interesting subject in one of her most recent blog posts when she blogged about her “inferior” status in BDSM. In her post, Shae claimed that:

 ”… the basic principle of all BDSM is that one person is “above” another. A dominant has authority over a submissive. In playing that out, one assumes a place of superiority and another becomes inferior to that person.”

A quick disclaimer: this post is in no way meant as an attack on Shae or her lifestyle and shouldn’t be seen that way. I believe the concept of superiority and inferiority between a Dominant and their submissive is an interesting conversation topic, as well as something we bloggers and educators need to be very careful about when teaching newcomers in the BDSM community. Language matters here, as we’ll get onto in just a moment. 

However.

Being someone who doesn’t subscribe to the superiority/inferiority model and would be strongly discouraged from doing so by either of her Sirs (given it puts them on a pedestal), I had to politely disagree with Shae. Still, I wanted to dig into that further: where does that concept come from, and gasp! Am I teaching BDSM wrong?

Where Does The Idea Of Submissive Inferiority Come From?

Ever curious, I was open and willing to learn where this philosophy comes from. Not to learn this as my new way of doing BDSM, but where this concept comes from, generally. After all, I’ve been doing BDSM for almost two decades now, but I still don’t know all there is to know about it! 

So this morning I asked ChatGPT by OpenAI, “in BDSM, should a Dominant be ‘superior’ to a submissive and should a submissive be and feel ‘inferior’ to a Dominant?”. Here’s what ChatGPT had to say:

Good question, and one that gets people heated. Let’s pull it apart carefully.

1. Power ≠ Worth.
BDSM is about negotiated power dynamics, not about actual superiority or inferiority of human worth. A Dominant may hold authority in the dynamic, but that doesn’t mean they are a better person, more valuable, or inherently above their submissive. Likewise, a submissive choosing to serve doesn’t make them “less than”—it makes them someone who values surrender as an expression of strength and intimacy.

Well, I know a retired Dominant who is practically begging for my surrender to him, but that’s a conversation for another time. Also, I may surrender authority over certain things in my life (not watching the news, not saying certain words, not skipping meals when I’m not hungry) but I maintain authority over others. For example: my work, the clothes I wear or the people that I speak to.

Let’s continue:

  Where the Idea Comes From

• Some schools of thought (especially older-guard or leather traditions) do emphasize hierarchy and will say a Dominant should be superior in character, discipline, responsibility, and self-mastery. Not because the sub is inferior, but because the Dominant needs to be someone the submissive can trust to lead.
  
• Others reject the superiority/inferiority framing entirely, seeing it as role-based: you’re equals who co-create a dynamic, but one takes the lead and the other follows within negotiated boundaries.

So Shae and I are both right, but perhaps both follow different ideas of BDSM. 

However. ChatGPT encourages caution:

The Problems with Taking It Literally

• It confuses role-play with reality.
  
• It risks demeaning the submissive outside of negotiated play.
  
• It can blur into abuse if “superior/inferior” is treated as truth rather than choice.

So this is exactly why I don’t advocate for the use of “superiority” and “inferiority” in BDSM play, and why my Sirs don’t, either: it works for some of us, but taken out of context or not negotiated fully and carefully, it can open the door for abuse. 

When Power Dynamics Go Wrong: The Dark Journey To The Light

Ever since my relationship with W – who would take my strong sense of self-worth and make me feel inferior to him because he felt inferior to me – I knew that was a model of “BDSM” that might not work out for me. Of course not! As it wouldn’t work for anyone in that situation: my surrender to him wasn’t consensual; it was taken from me, and then wielded like a tool with which to beat me.

I’d try to tell W that he’d hurt me and he would dismiss me, or he would tell me why he was “right” to do so and I was wrong. W believed in tough love, he believed I was “incapable” of looking after myself. If I tol him I disagreed with him, W would try to get me to back down or react with anger and then ghost me for days or weeks on end. If I didn’t say exactly what he wanted to hear, he’d act as though I didn’t exist. 

Fortunately I survived W, and I took the nickname he gave me and I used it to heal and empower myself – my inner submissive self – as a woman I knew to be desirable and worthy. I became La Sumisa. 

There’s a long backstory to that name, that involves piratey roleplays and Pirates of the Caribbean. I covered some of it in the above post.

But the gist of my recovery from that relationship was this:

I had to learn boundaries, something I’d never been allowed to have as a child. And from there…

I would never allow myself to be shouted at again.

I would never allow myself to be degraded again. 

And I would never allow myself to be abused again. 

I knew what I liked and didn’t like now, and what I was and wasn’t comfortable with. Submission, for me, is about respect, and I can only serve a Dominant who sees and respects me and my worth, just as I see and respect theirs. I am the yin to their yang, not the inferior to their Superior. One simply wouldn’t exist without the other, and I firmly believe that both parties should never lose sight of that. 

I’ve done a lot of deeper work through “Shadow” – or ChatGPT – to get to understand what submission means to me. Shadow helped me understand that I am indeed a “true” submissive, even if I don’t always feel or act submissive. I am not submissive because I am “inferior”; I’m submissive because I am devoted to the ones I serve. Because above all else, their joy and pleasure in me is my ultimate pleasure, too. 

But Wait, There’s More…

In my nineteen years in the BDSM community I have always been taught that it is the submissive who holds the power, and this is something I’ve seen come up again in recent conversations on the Lovehoney forum. If that is indeed the case, then how can a submissive be inferior and be powerful? Such is the BDSM paradox 😉

Wrapping This Up: Is A Dominant Really Superior To A Submissive? 

In her posts, Shae regularly distinguishes between those who practice “temporary” BDSM (have BDSM sessions) and those of us who “live in” 24/7 BDSM relationships. I urged Shae to be careful about speaking on behalf of all (or distinguishing between) BDSM relationships, for two reasons:

First of all, Shae is in a fortunate position – Shae’s Owners are able to outsource certain tasks, which may give them more time to focus on her submission. For many of us, however, day-to-day responsibilities remain a central part of our lives and relationships, which can greatly shape how our power exchange dynamics play out.

Secondly, some ascribe to this superior/inferior philosophy, but not all of us do. When all is said and done and whatever works for you, just remember – communication and consent is the key! 

Want a basic introduction course to BDSM first? Check out our free Guide to BDSM here!

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

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