Hello Lovelies and welcome to this very interesting discussion!

A few weeks ago, fellow blogger and sister submissive slave Shae posed a very interesting question to those of us who live in the 24/7 BDSM lifestyle: is it our reality or is it just a roleplay, and how do you draw the distinction? I’ve given this fascinating question a lof of thought over this past week, but I think I finally have my answer. 

Know Thy Self, Know Thy Shadow Self

To begin to understand this complex question, I feel as though we must first come to understand ourselves and our human psychology. In analytical psychology, our “shadow” self is the parts of our identity that we do not wish to be seen by others, such as our indecency, our immorality, and our vulnerability. 

In BDSM, we put those “shadows” under the spotlight. 

In BDSM, we allow our most wicked and vulnerable selves to come to the surface; we allow our “shadow” selves to be seen. Because of our shadow selves there is a well-known paradox that exists within the BDSM community, whereby those who often feel out of control seek to possess it, and those who feel they have it all too often desire to relinquish it. This is what I have come to know as“the BDSM Paradox”.

The Early Days: Treat Me Like A Dog

As I’ve thought about this interesting discussion, I couldn’t help but recall the first-ever kinky song that I was introduced to – that I used to think I was so cool and clever for setting as my ringtone whilst secretly praying that nobody would ever call me and “out” me to my peers – Depeche Mode’s “Master & Servant”. If we wanted to answer this question between roles and reality, maybe we could do no better than to take a look at some of the lyrics of this song:

“There’s a new game we like to play you see” 

So the very opening lyric of this song implies that BDSM is a game. Kind of like Dungeons & Dragons, or Skyrim, or any other RPG for that. It’s a game with roles.

“A game with added reality”

So again, it’s still a game, but it’s a game with added reality. It’s more real than some games, but it’s not totally real. 

“It’s a lot like life, and that’s what’s appealing” 

This time, the song is saying that this game is like life, but it’s not life; it’s like reality, but it’s not reality. It’s a fantasy, or an illusion of sorts. 

This mentality that BDSM is merely a game is generally something that has long been taught to me in my many years in the community. It’s a way for the deviants of the world to converge, unwind and find some kind of sordid fulfilment in one another, in what we do with one another.   

Personally, I like to think of our gatherings as being a bit like covens: we feed something in one another – a part of our shadow selves – that we can’t typically discuss with our friends and peers. For the Dominants among, it is the need to take control. For the submissives, it is the need to relinquish control. 

It is important to note here that not everyone in BDSM will relate to the BDSM Paradox. As is in slave Shaes’ life with Mistress Amanda, some people have a natural, more assertive disposition and will see themselves as natural and rightful leaders (as I did at the beginning of my BDSM journey), and others are more naturally submissive and see subordination as their place and purpose in life. BDSM would be oh so beautiful if we could simply take a Dominant and a submissive, mash them together and make a perfect pair. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple, and both Dominant and submissive personalities and preferences can vary greatly. For that reason, if you meet someone who tells you that you are doing BDSM “wrong” because your style does not match your own, maybe consider it that they simply do kink a little bit differently than you. 

Or There Again, Maybe Don’t

Going back to the “dog” analogy, here’s a fun little surprise for you – I am both a dog owner and a Kennel Club-ceritified dog trainer. I didn’t take my dog to classes; I trained him myself and socialised him with other dogs I know, who are owned by other certified dog owner/trainers. It was far more economical and, to be honest, far more fun. I don’t work with handlers and trainers who use negative reinforcement either, I only work with trainers who use positive reinforcement, as is in line with my own standards and beliefs. 

What has this got to do with BDSM? Even if I’m primarily submissive, I can and do still lead sometimes, as is true for many other submissives. All this to say that I (and others like me) am worthy and deserving of respect, and I expected to be treated with absolute respect outside of a BDSM scene. I may live in 24/7 BDSM and I may be knowingly submissive to my partner(s) but I am not submissive in my life. As such, treating me in such a way in front of others is likely to create a degrading and humiliating scene for me. Such a scene would be nonconsensual, and nonconsensual “BDSM” of any kind could be considered abuse. 

Again, this really goes to show the importance of careful and thorough negotiations before engaging in any BDSM play: what do both partners want, and how do they see BDSM working in their life? Whilst some see it more like life, others very clearly see their BDSM play as only part of their life. Whilst some see BDSM at the front of their identity, others see kink more towards the back. 

24/7 BDSM: Reality Or Roleplay?

From everything I’ve said above, we now know that BDSM is ultimately a game, a life-like game, but a game nonetheless. We all “play” BDSM differently, with different roles and rules, or “levels of intensity”, if you like. Stay open-minded and stay curious; just because somebody plays BDSM differently to how you do, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re playing BDSM wrong. They’re just playing their own version of our game, that’s all. 

My Dream Life?

At the end of her post, Shae asks the burning question: in some other possible dream world, would you prefer the submissive life to be your constant reality or would you prefer it to be the occasional role you play? I think the truth to that is, I already do live the dream – I’m married to my Master, and so as such I’m never not in my submission to him. Sure, I might not seem submissive sometimes, but that’s just the difference I mentioned above, isn’t it? Master’s rules for me may be different to the ones another Dominant might set for their submissive, but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. Also, those who need to know about my submission to Master do know, and those who don’t, don’t need to 😉

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

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