Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Oh boy. Actually, yes, I have four. So, let’s talk about them:
1. The Idea That BDSM Is Reserved For A Certain “Type” Of Person
Thanks to various media tropes, they’re usually rich and successful. Also, thanks to social media, they’re usually fit and strong. I’ve lost count of how many aspiring Dominants I’ve met, who have expected me to be some supermodel just because I’m kinky. The truth is, absolutely ANYONE above the age of consent can enjoy BDSM if they want to, regardless of age, gender, body type, race, ability, financial status, religion etc. BDSM ia NOT exclusive to a certain “type” of human.
When we started on our BDSM journey together, Matt had this idea that he had to be a tall, strong, confident Alpha male to be my Dom – qualities he was persistent he doesn’t possess. I had to assure Matt over and over that he has a way of handling me that I love and crave, and that make me want to submit to him over and over again. He doesn’t need to be any of the things he thinks he needs to be – he’s fine exactly as he is!
When we started attending BDSM parties together, one of the things Matt quickly learned was how many “normal” people there are. There are people with regular 9-5 office jobs, larger bodies, missing teeth and/or glasses, old and young, black and white. There are a lot of very “normal”, kind and accepting people in these places, and it really doesn’t matter what you are or how you look, we’re in this together – we are all kinky.
One of the most lovely kinky people that I met when I started my own BDSM journey was Mistress Anita. Mistress Anita was in her sixties when I met her, she was retired and she had a persistently dodgy knee. Did she let that stop her though? The hell did she! She wasn’t missing on her kinky outings because of a few crunchy bits!
In later years I met Master R, a wheelchair-using Dom, and more recently are B and his partner, R, who both have long-term health conditions. I myself have minor disabilities to boot. Although they don’t hold me back in big ways, they still require some consideration in my BDSM play. None of us let our ailing bodies hold us back though – we are not, not kinky because of our health, we are kinky in spite of it.
If you feel like you won’t belong at a BDSM event, just go. You might be surprised just how well you do fit in!
And if you think that BDSM is reserved for a certain “type” of human? Understand that your views are wrong. There are people of all types out there practicing BDSM, whether you want them to or not 😉
2. The Idea That You Have To Be Mean and Angry To Be A “Good” Dominant
Just stop, please. At best you’re embarrassing yourself, and at worst you could end up (unconsensually) hurting someone, or worse.
Being Dominant is not about being mean and aggressive — being Dominant is about being in control, of both your partner and yourself. Sure, rough play is a thing, and some people even enjoy being grabbed by their hair or pinned to the wall by their throat, but not everyone does. Therefore, that should never be your go-to Dominant style!
Growing up, I had a mother who was emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive, which meant fear was a common experience for me. I had to learn, through therapy, that my experiences were not considered “normal” or “healthy”, and that there were other children in this world who weren’t treated that way. That opened my eyes, and I never wanted to be treated (or treat others) that way again.
At the same time, I still loved the thought of being Dominated — I loved the thought of a man who could make me submit to him by choice. Physical power isn’t what turns me on — I don’t want a strong man who who will pin me down, I like an intlligent man who makes me want to surrender to him, by captivating and Dominating my mind.
When I got into the BDSM lifestyle, I realised that “gentle Domination” is a thing, and it is even a thing that I quite enjoy. Gentle Domination is when a Dominant gives a command to a submissive in a gentle and non-aggressive tone, and the submissive obeys because they want to – because obeying is even pleasurable for them. Oh sure, sometimes I can be a little fiesty, but those who own me know that I’m a good girl, eventually. My sass and wit is a flex of my intelligence, and is something that I know they both enjoy (and actually don’t want to beat out of me, just about). My Handlers don’t want a submissive who says yes right away – they like a submissive who demonstrates autonomy, who has chosen to surrender herself to them.
If you think you need to be aggressive and mean to be a Dominant, I urge you to take a step back and ask yourself where this idea is coming from. Is it something your partner has explicitly asked for (totally fine if if is!)? Or is it an idea that you’ve got from media? Porn, social media and movies are terrible teachers for how a Dominant should conduct themselves – they are oft-exaggerated examples, often meant for effect. Ask yourself whether this is the kind of Dominant you want to be, or whether this is the kind of Dominant you think you should be. There’s absolutely nothing wrong in being a gentle, loving Dominant – come to think of it, they’re probably my favourite breed 😉
3. Similarly, That You Have To Be Submissive To Be A Submissive
I’ve heard this fantasy trope several times, and it doesn’t really bother my relationships, I just feel secondhand embarrassment for the people who come out with it.
There’s this idea in some BDSM education groups that in order for a submissive to be a submissive, they have to be submissive — that’s just what a Dominant wants! That’s so wrong — not every Dominant wants a meek, mild-mannered submissive; some Dominants like a submisive with a bit of sass and fire. My Sirs certainly weren’t drawn to be because of how quickly I obeyed them, let me tell you!
3. People Who Interrupt With Our Scenes
You do you, but please understand that we don’t all kink the same way, and nothing annoys me more than when someone has as an idea of how my partners and I “should” be. Guess what?! We’re not performers! We’re not here to perform your version of BDSM — we’re here to live our own! We always try to respect others and we always adhere to venue rules, but if you don’t like the way we play then that’s your problem, not ours!
That’s it from me for this post. What irrituates you in BDSM? Share your thoughts in the comments or read more of my 30 Days of Kink posts!
Just dipping your toe into the world of BDSM? Take a read of our FREE Guide To BDSM!
Until next time!
Stay safe & have fun,
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