Real-life BDSM looks very different from the books.
How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
Oh boy, this is going to be quite a controversial post but here it is.
I feel like there is a lot of “not doing” in real-life BDSM. Although some of us may live with our kinky partners, a vast majority of us are not in 24/7 BDSM, and for those that are, the BDSM that is present in our everyday lives is very low level. Of course we have BDSM scenes where the kink is much more intense, but what happens between times tends to be quite dull.
Actually, just saying that makes me smile because sometimes Master asks me to do things that are dull, but he knows I enjoy because I enjoy pleasing him. He makes a reference to a scene in Secretary where Mr Edward-Gray tells Lee Hollaway that “it’s very dull work” and she responds with “I want to be bored”. I don’t know that I want to be bored exactly, but I want to be purposeful to my husband however I can be. I choose to live that way, to do the dull work for him, as his submissive — even if it’s not kinky or sexy, his pleasure is my pleasure, simply put.
Sometimes Master Levi requires me to take some control, and I enjoy pleasing him in that way too – even if it sounds like an oxymoron for a submissive to have any control! I suppose that’s another difference between fantasy and reality as well, right there – a lot of submissives are responsible for something. We do not live a fantasy life, chained to the wall and void of any responsibilities, and a good Dominant will find multiple uses for their submissive – sexual or otherwise. If we choose to serve a Dominant then we serve them however they desire us, and sometimes that means mowing the lawn or doing the dishes – sometimes in some obscene state of their choosing, too!
Second to that, I feel like a lot of people have a fantasy that they will get to be a strict, domineering Dominant, or a complacent submissive at the hands of a strict Dominant, and that just doesn’t happen for probably 98% of the time. You are people, people with individual tastes and quirks and personalities, and your true self will come out eventually. A lot of the Dominants I know are genuinely lovely people who would do anything for anyone — they are not strict or harsh at all!
Finally, real BDSM is often far from ideal. I’d love it if the bedroom was always tidy and arranged properly ahead of our sessions, food was always cooked perfectly, dessert wasn’t forgotten about, wine was bought each time and the music went without a glitch, but the reality is, that seldom happens. The last time Master and I had a play session, the cheesecake I’d bought for dessert was really a figment of my imagination and our bedroom Google speaker started playing Lipps Inc’s “Funkytown” – that’s definitely not part of our Thursday night playlist!
Of course, let’s not forget the other fantasies, like dungeons — there is an idea that everyone who is kinky must have a basement dungeon for fulfilling their most deviant desires. Some do, but many don’t, and many of us who do have playspaces don’t have the sorts of things like you might see in movies or online fantasies. Simply put, most people aren’t multi-millionaires!
The reality of BDSM can be a bit disheartening for some people, but if you can get over it then I promise you, it’s a whole lot of fun!
That’s it from me for this post. How does real BDSM differ from fiction for you? Share your thoughts in the comments or read more of my 30 Days of Kink posts!
Just dipping your toe into the world of BDSM? Take a read of our FREE Guide To BDSM here!
Until next time!
Stay safe & have fun,
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