How open are you about your kinks?
I think this is an interesting question because my answer is both “open” and “closed” at the same time. Before we dive into that though, let’s take a look at why kink is becoming increasing mainstream
Fifty Shades Of Grey: The Kink Community’s Stonewall Moment
Picture this: it’s 2006, you’re huddled into a nightclub with other people also wearing their finest clothing, collars and cuffs. In the background is the sound of club music, spanking and groans. There’s a sense of shared shame in the air – you all know why you’re here, but you could never tell anyone else about this place.
When your colleagues ask about your weekend, your answer is the same as it usually is – an ambivalent “nothing much”. You could never tell them about the club, they would never understand you.
Fast forward ten years, and all that has all changed. BDSM is no longer the secret it once was, and many people are now far more open about their kinks. Some might disclose to their friends (or even their colleagues) that they attended a BDSM club on the weekend. BDSM is no longer met with shock and horror, it’s now met with giggles, fascination and awe. In fact, nowadays it seems, not being kinky is what’s considered “strange”.
This is what the Fifty Shades trilogy has helped to do for the BDSM community, it is sometimes touted as our “stonewall moment” . For those who once felt like we lived with a perverted secret, we are finally able to come out of the woodwork and start to be more open and honest about ourselves.
So now to get back to the original question:
How Open Are You About Your Kinks?
I have varying degrees of openness with people, understandably, and a large part of that depends entirely upon what capacity I know them in. Take Our Housing Officer as an example, Mr Shepherd and I get along great, but I would never disclose to him about my BDSM proclivities. It is not need to know information and it wouldn’t help (though, I doubt, neither would it hinder) the work that we do together. We are on a professional capacity with one another, and he treats me like a respectable tenant, rather than as a BDSM submissive. This is also Master’s preference – Master doesn’t want (or need) our Housing Officer knowing about what we do.
Generally in a professional capacity, I simply say that I’m a “writer”. If pressed, I say that I “write about relationships for disabled people”, which is the very, very watered down truth 😉
The one time I have told anyone related to our housing about what I do was the time we needed a minor repair done in our home. The electrician was a young lad of about 24 years old, conversation flowed and I gave him my default line – that I’m a “writer”. He asked what I write about, and given he seemed like one of the coolest, most non-judgemental people around, I wound up opening up to him about my work, but not about my sexual proclivities. He was really awestruck by what I do, which in hindsight, is probably for the best. I did end up giving him my email address too, after I offered to help his girlfriend get into blogging. Sadly she never did reach out, but at least the offer was made.
Around family, again, there is very little need to know. Now, the one exception is my mother, who used to be in this lifestyle herself. Mum was my mentor coming into the BDSM world, hence I feel obligated to repay it back now, by being there for the next generation of kinksters as she was there for me. Still, she and I don’t discuss, pardon the pun, the “ins and outs”. We might discuss a conversation we had with someone about BDSM, or some problem we have with something to do with BDSM, and that is all. My brother too is knowledgeable about the life that I live, although he too prefers to know as little as possible.
In terms of my real-life friends, only one have I ever been “out and proud” to, and we were effectively sisters in submission for a short time. I suppose in a way we ended up in a kind of unintentional poly quad, with me naturally finding my submissive flow with her boyfriend as she found hers with Master. That unfortunately came to a screeching halt when he physically assaulted her in an argument – I could not submit myself to a man who I knew was willing to resort to physical violence to “win” an argument, and Master didn’t want me around him anymore, either.
She eventually chose him over me, constantly flaking on me to go be with him instead. We haven’t spoken since 2016.
Among Master’s friends, and with his father, I operate a kind of covert, hidden-in-plain-sight submission. To most I must seem like a kind, helpful wife who is happy to entertain others and to serve food and drinks, but really, my hospitality is something that he expects of me – I should do what I can to make our guests feel right at home.
We have discussed sort of “covert collars” before now, a kind of neither here nor there, fashion-style choker to be worn when we entertain. Nothing more has come of that conversation to date though.
I do want to make a quick deviation here, because there is one friend of Master’s where things do change a little. Lewis is Master’s best friend, was our best man, and has known Master for 20+ years. Lewis and I have a kind of relationship of our own, even if it’s not a sexual or romantic relationship, we both appreciate wordsmithery and double entendre. Lewis also dated Master’s ex (my now-ex friend, who dumped me for being civil to Master after she introduced me to him!), who dumped him in pretty much the same way as she dumped Master. So it has long been a fear of mine, perhaps, that Lewis now sees me as something of an acquisition. After all, if Master has kept me around after Clare broke his heart, and I have kept Master around, then I must be something pretty special, right?
Master says Lewis isn’t like that, and I’d like to believe he’s not, yet, it’s always a fear. It’s just something that submissives like sister submissive slave Shae and myself have grown accustomed to – you can’t stop a man from wanting his share of you if he does.
With my online friends, well, many of my audience read me from places like the Lovehoney Forum and Slowly, and by now, I think most (if not all) know that I’m kinky. That’s cool, it is what it is – I have no shame in who I am.
So to answer the question, am I out about my kinks? Well, then I suppose it entirely depends on who you ask 😉
That’s it from me for this post. Who knows about your kinks? Share your thoughts in the comments or read more of my 30 Days of Kink posts!
Just dipping your toe into the world of BDSM? Take a read of our FREE Guide To BDSM!
Until next time!
Stay safe & have fun,
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