Not so long ago, I was supposed to look forward to another one of those fun and kinky sessions with Matt. It’d been long-awaited but alas, it wasn’t to be. It started with a surprise visit from my mother and finished with an unexpected (and definitely not essential) call from my neighbour. By the time we’d sat down to dinner, it was 9:30pm. Tired, frustrated and not feeling even remotely submissive, I asked to cancel our evening. I felt as though we both needed it.
Make no mistake, coping with all of the emotions that follow when playtime gets cancelled is hard. But, with a few all important self-care techniques, you really can feel better within an hour or two. Before we get started, let’s just cover a few things you absolutely should not do:
- Don’t Guilt – “If you went to bed earlier, you wouldn’t be too tired to play!” you say. Sorry, but that’s rubbish. Your partner might have had a really long day in the office or they might have been up late planning you a surprise birthday party. People are people, and your partner might have a perfectly valid reason for being tired.
- Don’t Abuse – Never, ever, ever abuse someone, ever. Whether you shout at them, hit them, call them names, I don’t care. If you abuse them for having to cancel a scene unexpectedly then I 100% back them for walking away from you. Nobody deserves that.
- Don’t Manipulate – “But I’ve been so good lately, I deserve to play!”. Yes, and your partner has worked hard and deserves to rest. Nobody, not one of us, is better than the other. Nobody here is special.
- Don’t Get Angry – If you want to ruin trust in any relationship, getting angry is 100% the way to do it. Of course you feel frustrated and that’s fine, but there are far better ways to express your frustration, which we’ll get onto in just a minute.
Handle the situation with kindness and respect, and the outcome will be a lot better for both of you.
Now let’s move on to what you can do!
10 Tips For Coping When BDSM Play Gets Cancelled
1. Keep Yourself Safe
When we feel angry, one of the first things we do is lash out. You may be tempted to smash something or harm yourself to get negative feelings out. Whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe from harm, do it. Make that a priority.
2. Connect With Yourself
Really feel the way your body is feeling. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and really connect with the way this cancelled session feels within you. Do you feel sad? Does your stomach hurt? Are your muscles tight? Allow yourself to really feel and connect with how it makes you feel. However you feel, it’s okay.
3. Meditate
When a session gets cancelled, one of my first and favourite things to do to help me get back on track is to kneel and meditate in the “Nadu” (hands on your thighs, palm up, head down) position. It really helps me to reconnect with the peace that I feel when I am otherwise being submissive. It might not dissuade your feelings completely, but mediation can be a powerful tool to dissuade negative emotions like sadness and anger.
Psst… check out my kinky “Inner Dom” meditaiton here!
4. Take A Shower (And Maybe Listen To Music)
A long hot shower is for the soul is what cheese and wine is to the palette. When playtime gets cancelled I get notoriously sore and tense muscles, so a nice hot shower and some moody music can really help to soothe me. Take as long as you want and feel however you need to feel. This is your time to unwind from the evening’s events.
5. Cry, If You Need To
Sometimes we feel anger or sadness when a session has been cancelled, we might feel negative emotions, like feeling undesired or unworthy. Those feelings, whilst not entirely founded, are nonetheless valid. Don’t hold them in, remember: it’s okay to cry.
6. Journal/Write A Letter
Once you start to feel a little better, you can begin to think about writing about the decision in a journal. You could also try writing a letter to your partner, just be careful not to blam them if they had to cancel for reasons outside of their control. You don’t have to give it too them, if you don’t want to.
7. Masturbate, Or Have Sex
It’s no secret that for a lot of people, BDSM play involves sex. If a BDSM session gets cancelled, then that can also mean sexual frustration. If you and your partner have a regular relationship, you may decide you still want intimacy but you only want to have sex. If you live apart, or your partner doesn’t want to have sex, then you might want to masturbate. You may find right now that your mind is full of some sordid thoughts and masturbation is the only way to purify your brain. Whatever you need is A-okay.
8. Snuggle Up
Maybe you don’t want to have sex, but maybe a good, long cuddle session can be just as good instead. A cuddle can help, and a gentle massage (even a shoulder rub) can release those dopamine rushes, too. On your own? Why not invest in a weighted blanket? Not-playing-tonight blues are still a form of depression, and a weighted blanket can help you cope with that.
9. Look After Yourself
Make sure you eat well, drink plenty of water, get some exercise and get plenty of rest. Try to distract yourself from the situation and explore some other fun activities as well. A cancelled play session can bring about feelings of depression, so it’s important to do the things that we enjoy and make sure we look after ourselves first. Remember, there can always be another time, but there is only ever one you.
10. Communicate & Agree
Now for the really tricky part, you need to discuss what went wrong and how you can overcome it. If it’s just a one off occurrence, carry on as usual. If it’s a regular occurrence, maybe you could play the next day (sometimes we have some really rough sex on a Saturday morning instead!), maybe you could arrange a whole new play session, you could change some part of your lifestyle, or you could explore ethical non-mongamy. Take baby steps first and only make the big decisions when you need to. Whatever you do, just make sure you keep talking to one another!
That’s it from me for this post. How do you cope when your BDSM session get cancelled? Leave a comment below or read more of my kink & BDSM posts!
Until next time.
Stay safe & have fun,
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