As a BDSM educator, something I get asked a lot is whether one needs to like giving or receiving pain in order to be into BDSM? Isn’t that sort of a kinky VIP pass into doing what we do?
Damnit, they’re onto us.
Just kidding!
My friends, it is absolutely, crucially important that you understand that you do not need to enjoy pain to be into BDSM. No, nuh uh, simples. Anyone who tells you otherwise is plain and simply wrong.
Anyone who tells you that you need to enjoy pain is possibly dangerous, to themselves, to others, and most importantly, to you. Stay away from them, or at least, stay safe.
BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission and Sadism and Masochism. Of those three, the only that may include pain (if you want it to) is Sadism & Masochism.
It is crucially important that you also understand that you do not have to enjoy doing or receiving everything. This is what BDSM checklists are for, they give you a chance and a tool to communicate what you will and won’t do, are and aren’t into. If anyone refuses to accept your desires or limits, DON’T PLAY WITH THEM. Period.
The idea that BDSM is all about pain and whipping stems from the freak show media perception, of course it would. If they showed you the gentler stuff or the amount of discussion and the negotiations that happen prior to a scene, it wouldn’t sell. Planning a BDSM scene is a bit like planning a wedding – nobody cares much for what you talk about in the planning stages, they’re only interested in observing the end result. The stuff that sells is the whipping, the sex and the screaming. The stuff that sells is the Dominant with the psychological drama. The media needs us to be the control freaks and the weirdos; it fits their narrative for the “unusual” to be the “undeniably insane”!
Many of us kinksters are crazy. Good lord, we’re the most cuckoo bunch you will ever meet, and you should stay away!
Tying each other up with strawberry laces? We’ve done it.
Putting our partner’s in stocks and throwing foam pies at them? Probably.
Tickling our partners until they beg for mercy? That happens more often than you might think.
BDSM is not necessarily brutal and cruel, it can be oh so silly and fun – trust me!
But What If I Want To Be Whipped But Not Spanked?
Do you fancy flogging but not caning? Biting but not scratching? Make sure you tell your partner. It’s your body and therefore your choice, entirely. I like crops and floggers but not paddles or canes. It’s your choice in the end!
Maybe I Want Some Pain But Not A Lot, Or Scratchy But Not Heavy?
“Pain” is not a definitive term, and that’s why we need communication. Maybe you really dig a bit of light scratching one time but the next time the Wartenberg wheel is more than you can bear. Maybe you love light flogging but don’t like them used hard, or maybe you prefer latex floggers to suede, or vice versa. Whatever it is, make sure you share your desires with your partner, and make sure you always communicate if your pain threshold feels higher or lower than usual.
What If I Change My Mind?
You can always respectfully request (never demand) an activity in a scene and you can always use your safe word to stop it. No matter what it is and how hard or soft or not at all you want it, always remember, in a BDSM scene, enthusiastic consent is key. Some people also use a “go” word (such as the opposite of “red”, “green”) to indicate to their partners that they are okay for them to be rougher. Discuss it with your partner if you think it will help you both.
I’m Still Stuck, What Can I Try That Doesn’t Involve Pain?
If you’re still really keen to explore BDSM but you’re still not sure that you can enjoy it without pain, here are some ideas to get you started:
- Blindfolds – Always, always at the top of my list because the effect is oh so sexy!
- Light bondage – You can try something soft like a silk scarf or necktie
- Orgasm control (tease & denial) – Stop your partner before they come and make them wait just a little while longer, it can be very intense for the both of you
- Humiliation – Handle with care, guys. Does your partner like to be called a slut or a whore in bed? Now is your chance, just be sure to discuss it first
- Roleplay – What’s that one really sexy fantasy you’ve always wanted to try? Maybe you’ve always wanted to keep her after class for a detention, or you’ve always wanted to be the nurse to give him a really thorough check-up? Some roleplays can be incredibly powerful, and fun
- Tickling – Some people say tickling is pain, but others separate it, so make sure you and your partner agree and understand. If they are agreeable, a little tickling can be fun, especially when combined with other sensations…
- Temperature play– Wrap an ice cube in a paper towel and place a metal spoon in a bowl of warm (not boiling) water. Check that the spoon is not too hot before use, and alternate between the warm spoon and the wrapped ice cube. If your partner is tied up and blindfolded, it can be even more exciting.
- Food play – Have you ever fancied licking whipped cream from your partner’s nipple? Licking chocolate sauce from their naked body? Now is your chance. Tie them up (optional) with whatever accessories you desire, and turn them into your feast of fancy, just be sure to keep the sugary stuff away from her most private places if you don’t fancy giving her a UTI.
- Orders- BDSM is more than just bondage and whipping. Do you want your partner to wear a particular dress to dinner or have a tie you want them to wear so they remember you at work? Discuss how they would feel about you giving them orders, and then if they agree, set about creating some sexy instructions
- Chastity – This is for the more serious folks among, but if you fancy giving your partner control over your groin, consider a chastity belt. For some people, knowing that their partner is the only person who can unlock the belt is incredibly sexy indeed.
Whatever you decide and however you have fun, it’s crucially important to remember to stay safe, play safe and communicate, and again, remember…
YOU DON’T NEED TO LIKE PAIN TO BE ABLE TO ENJOY BDSM!
Enjoyed this post? Leave a comment below or read more kinky posts from me.
Until next time!
Stay safe and have fun,
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