Today I thought I'd do something that I've been meaning to do for a while and answer some of the most common questions that I get asked about my life in a 24/7 D/s arrangement: Was I forced into it? Do I wear a collar? Do we have 'vanilla' sex and more. If you're curious, read on! Hopefully, you'll find your answers below.

This post was inspired by slave Shae and her wonderfully explanative blog. For more great reads, please do pay her a visit!

Before We Begin...

It is important to note that there are no right or wrong answers to these questions, and what one relationship looks like may vary very greatly from another. Below, I have answered some of the most common questions that I get asked to help break down some of the stereotypes, as well as provide a more comprehensive look at what works for us. Your relationship is and shall be just as individualistic as the people who are in it, so please always remember to treat it that way. Use my answers as an example of what a 24/7 D/s relationship can look like, rather than as a goal.

My Past Experience With 24/7 D/s

Before I met Matt, I was a Dominant and a switch for a little while. During that time, I met another young man - a sub-switch - who wanted a 24/7 D/s arrangement in which he would largely be submissive. When we tried our relationship for a few weeks, he wanted me to make ALL of the decisions: where we went, what he wore, what he ate and so on. What I realised very early on is that there was no way that a 24/7 D/s relationship could ever work for me, or was there?

I Can't Imagine Why Anyone Would Want To Live Like This! Were You Forced Into It? What Happened?

No! Consent is so vital in BDSM and anything that is forced is abuse, through and through. For the life of mem I can't understand selfies. I can't understand why people need to be in the photo and look like they're enjoying the very place that they are supposed to be enjoying, but here we are.

What does that have to do with BDSM, I hear you ask?

We all make choices in life that don't necessarily make sense to other people, and this commitment was one of mine.

In the early days of our relationship and long before we were officially dating, Matt and I had a lengthy discussion about what we wanted from a relationship: what roles we felt we had in a relationship, how we saw the roles of the opposite sex, and so on. What we found was that our values largely aligned, that relationships which are male-led were something that we both wanted. I think that was probably the first moment that we realised that there was something more going on. We weren't talking about just sex anymore, we were talking long-term.

Did Religion Play A Role?

Matt is atheist and I am agnostic, so I would say no, not really. However, we both had Christian upbringings and hold predominantly Christian values, so that may have had an impact on our decision. Matt was a member of the Salvation Army at a young age so in some ways, he has probably been even more exposed to particular Christian values than I have. I'm largely Christian in my beliefs, but there are a few bits that I disagree with, and that leave me questioning my personal religious affiliations.

Isn't BDSM Just A Sex Thing? You Can't Be 24/7!

Goodness, no! For me, Matt's dominance is far more about my mental health than it is about sex. I'll go and go untiI I burn out if someone doesn't stop me, so Matt will tell me to stand down and relax. Think of it like a pack of wolves, this is a common analogy: you have the Alpha who leads and protects the pack and this is what a Dominant does, they lead and they protect. Even in nature, the Alpha only gets to breed because they protect the pack and ward off predators and competition and again, a good Dominant will do just that. In some ways, an owned submissive is almost untouchable. It hurts a Dominant to see their submissive hurt or upset, amd some many Dominants will see that as a failing on them.

How Do You Define 24/7 D/s? Aren't You Guys Just Married?

For us, we define 24/7 D/s - or 24/7 Dominance & submission - by the fact that we live together and we are married, so in a way, yes, we are just married. However, we have rules that always apply in our dynamic, which non-kinky couples wouldn't normally have. Even if it's not always obvious, my submission to my husband is always there. This, as many would argue, is the makings of any 24/7 D/s relationship. How it looks and works from there is really all up to us.

Do You Have Any Control? What Do You Control?

Yes! Goodness, I have so much control, too much control sometimes, and over many things. I am responsible for the food shops, largely for Christmas and birthday shopping (and definitely the wrapping!), a good share of the housework, interior design, gardening, maintaining the fish tanks... Matt deals with the dishwasher, the laundry, the bins, half of the cooking plus deep cleaning the kitchen because he just aces at it! Just because we have this dynamic doesn't mean that we stop functioning as a team. In fact, I respect him more because if I'm struggling to manage my chores, Matt will help me with them. How many non-kinky couples can say that?!

How Are You Expected To Behave? Are You Always Submissive?

Ha! No, and Matt wouldn't want me to be, he enjoys my rebellious, sarcastic, playful nature too much for that. I'm expected to always be polite and humble, but that doesn't mean that I always have to be meek. It's okay to laugh and joke with people, but it's not okay to be mean. It's okay to put down rude and obnoxious people, but not to be rude just for fun. Even if I'm catty (which I can be sometimes) I get told off for it because he sees it as impolite. I'm allowed to have my own opinion and my own voice, I'm just not expected to be rude and brash about it. Also, basic etiquette, like saying "excuse me" if I pass gas, need to go to the restroom etc. Lady-like at least, but neither a doormat or a snob. Matt also doesn't believe that I should require permission to speak or make eye contact. If anything, he expects me to participate and demonstrate myself as his own good choice for a life partner.

I also get to spank Matt's butt and tickle him sometimes, though that requires some serious cost-benefit analysis and usually pre-planned escape routes before I do. Just because we have this dynamic, doesn't mean that we don't mess around and have fun. Life is too short not to mess around from time to time!

What Rules Do You Have? Do You Have A Contract?

The biggest one, ironically: Don't say "c*nt" or "t*at". Matt really hates a lady using those words and he doesn't like it much in men, either. I can "fuck" all I want (well, not at all all I want, but within reason) but those two are absolutely off-limits. Also, absolutely no touching his toys without permission (even if I paid for all of them!), no self-harm, no drug misuse, no cheating (kind of obvious, but okay), look after yourself, ask for help if you need it and no more than six biscuits in a day. That's the hardest one...

My Sir also has an executive taxi firm on speed dial and it doesn't matter if we're a one or a two, if we need a vehicle and a driver for anything, he'll book one of their cars and I get absolutely no say in the matter. He trusts them, their cars are always clean and smell nice, their drivers are always polite and presentable and they get us there safely. I've already said I want one of their cars to take me to the venue when we renew our vows. Why change a habit of a lifetime?

Although we have some loose terms of how our relationship should look, we do not have a contract. If you want one, take a look at our page on contracts. Some couples like them, we personally choose not to have one. In the end, it's all down to the individuals involved.

What Names Do You Use? Do You Always Call Him "Sir" Or "Master"?

Nope, I hardly ever use "Sir" outside the bedroom actually, and usually only use "Master" in outright sarcasm. Usually I use "Wolf" or "Wolfie", though I also use "Butthead" and sometimes "Daddy". The most common one, which doesn't sound very kinky at all, is "D-butt" - a sort of shortened version of "Daddy" and "butthead" that has just stuck ever since I first used it! Wolfie or D-butt are probably most common, but ultimately, you have to find what works for you in your relationship.

Do You Wear A Collar? Isn't That Just a Standard Thing?

Nope again! And this is something that I think is so important for people to understand. A collar does not make the submissive. A submissive heart makes the submissive, the collar is but a fashion accessory if your heart is not in it. My heart is submissive to my husband, I did not and do not need anything to prove my commitment, my heart already knows. We also don't feel the need to show off. We know who we are and we know what we are, and that's all that matters. I do, however, have a collar that I sometimes wear in the bedroom...

Do You Have A Uniform?

Yes, dressed! No, usually whatever I want to wear, as long as it's clean and fits. Matt likes jeans and navy tops with floral print on me, but if it can't be done then anything is okay, as long as it fits properly.

Do You Have Any Rituals?

Only ahead of our sessions. I get the room ready and light the candles. You can read more abou my pres-session rituals here.

Does Your Dominant Have Any Particular Tasks For You In Your 24/7 D/s Life?

I make teas and coffees in the morning and I make our bed once Matt is out of it. That's about it on that front, BUT, I insist on making the bed. To me, my husband will be able to work hard if he is well rested, and a messy bed does not encourage rest.

What Does 24/7 D/s Look Like Compared To Married Non-Kinky Couples? Do You Get To Sit On The Sofa, Watch TV Etc?

Absolutely! In fact, Matt will even put on my favourite shows for me. Sometimes I lay across his lap like a cat, or sometimes not, it all depends on our mood. Obviously, I can't change the channel if Matt is watching something, but then why would you do that anyway? That's kind of a dick move.

Dare I say it, I think we have better communication than a lot of non-kinky couples, and I think that is one of the best parts about being in any BDSM relationship. Stuff just doesn't matter to us like it does for some couples - there's pee, there's poop, there's blood and vomit. Humans are gross sometimes, but we just own it. Communication is extremely important to us so when it comes to stress, we just talk that stuff through. If Matt has a problem with work, we talk about it. If Matt walks to the store then I pretty much get a running commentary on that, too. We always talk!

Again, even if I am submissive, running the home is not my job, we share that. Matt normally tackles the kitchen, and I normally take on the bedroom and lounge. Matt has a very normal job, and of course, I run this blog. In the pandemic, we've both had our own designated workspaces, but we still chat through an open doorway!

Do You Have 'Vanilla' Sex?

You know, sometimes you're not in the mood for rough and kinky, and that's okay. Sometimes it is softer and more romantic, and that's fine. It has to be whatever you're in the mood for, if you're in the mood at all. Oh, and in case you're wondering, then no, D/s isn't all about the Dominant's pleasure. For what it's worth - Matt is an incredibly generous lover!

How Often Do You Practice BDSM?

All the time! Or do you mean the actively kinky parts? If that's the case, then whenever we feel like it. The difference for us is that it's not just something that goes on in the bedroom. Things happen in the bedroom and in sessions, and then there are still rules to be followed outside of that too - that's what sets 24/7 D/s relationships apart from other kinky couples!

I hope that you found this read interesting and educational. Do you have any further questions about my life in a 24/7 D/s arrangement? Please leave them below and I'll try to answer them in a future post.

Until next time!

Stay safe & have fun,

Helen xx