Afer Fifty Shades Freed graced the big screen last year, one of the things that I have wanted to discuss on my blog is some of the things that really happen in 24/7 BSDM relationships. Although these dynamics can look incredibly fun and sexy, there are other bits that aren't nearly so hot.
I've been in a 24/7 BDSM relationship with my husband for more than 10 years now and below, I want to give you an idea of things that happen in these relationships, and why they are so different from the fantasy that we see in movies. Sit tight, and let's begin!
1. There Is Usually A Contract (But Not Always)
Quite frequently (though not always), there is a contract in a 24/7 BDSM relationship. It is important to note that BDSM contracts are not like product guarantees - they have absolutely no upstanding in a court of law. Despite their name, BDSM contracts are more about creating a framework for how your dynamic might work, for example your roles. rules, safe words etc. They do not actually mean that anyone owns anyone!
2. You May Have More Than One Safe Word
I, personally, have three, and a phrase. "Red", for when things have gone very badly wrong and need to stop straight away. "Yellow" is used if I want my husband to ease off a little, but not stop ."Burgundy" is used in social settings if something is making me uncomfortable, though I will usually say something like "I bought myself a new lipstick today, a lovely deep burgundy". To the outsider, I've just been shopping but to my husband, something is causing me distress. You don't have to use thse examples, of course. Check out my page on safe words for more great ideas! 🙂
3. You Argue
Being much more real here, but we argue. Not more than other couples, but we do still have arguments. It's important to note here that when arguments happen, your dynamic needs to go on hold, your rules need to be put aside and you need to be able to converge and discuss your problem as a regular, normal couple. Relationship first, kinky stuff second. Always.
4.You Could Have Really Rough Sex, Then You Netflix And Chill Like Nothing Happened
This happens often for us. We both woke up, rampant and rearing to go and end up making the beast with two backs, Pretty. Damn. Hard. A few hours later, and we're chilling in the lounge like a regular, normal couple. That happens sometimes, and it means nothing less for our dynamic.
A little note on this one too, because sometimes "rough sex" really is all it is. Not every sexytime has to involve floggers and leather cuffs!
5. Sometimes You Use The Wrong Name
For me and women like me, this is a huge fear. As it stands, my husband loves to be called "Daddy" sometimes and unfortunately, society has a perception that there is something psychologically wrong with the women who use that name (BTW it's cool, we probably think you're boring in bed anyway 😉 ). When you're used to calling your partner a name (such as Daddy), it is incredibly difficult to switch back to the more socially acceptable terms. To avoid that, I use "Wolfie" a lot now, and it's never raised any questions. In fact, it's so easy now that my brother even unknpwingly bought my husband a glass pint tankard with a wolf engraved on it!
6. There Are Chores
Unless part of your dynamic states that the submissive partner(s) is responsible for household upkeep, there are chores to be done. Sometimes (okay, quite frequently) this involves acting and functioning like a regular couple. The horror!
7. We Wear Everyday Clothes Nearly All Of The Time
So many people condemn Fifty Shades of Grey, and there are so many reasons for which I can agree with them. However, one of the things that I could have applauded it for was was the way that it demonstrated kinky people in regular clothing, like normal, "vanilla" people: Jeans, shirts, tunic tops, lingerie etc. If anyone else can wear it, then a kinkster probably will, too. In fact, the idea that anyone could spend all of their time in leather or latex is pure fantasy at best.
8. We Have Regular Jobs
Hallelujah! This is something else that I feel is so grossly misunderstood about the BDSM lifestyle. What you see in movies is fiction. Most of us work normal 9-5 jobs: Accountants, lawyers, doctors, nurses, policemen etc. The really interesting thing is, those of us who are in more 'submissive' roles at work (office/telesales workers, shop assistants etc) tend to be more Dominant, and those in more authoritative positions prefer to be submissive. So, that unassuming librarian could be a professional dominatrix in her free time, and the local chief constable possibly quite likes his ass whacked - I wouldn't advise it, though!
9. We Get Invited To Family Functions And Birthday Parties
Kinksters are not aliens, we get invited to celebrations and parties just like vanilla people do. Kinky ladies and other dress-wearers, I know it's hard, but if you happen to get invited to Aunt Betty's 70th birthday party, maybe opt for a pretty summer dress and a necklace over latexwear and a spiked collar - lest you give poor Grandpa Joe a heart attack!
10. You Laugh Together
Life without humour is like a life without the sun. If you and your partner can't at least laugh together then the chances are good that your dynamic probably won't last. If I had a pound for every Dominant that I've laughed and joked with, I'd probably be able to afford a second-hand car by now! BDSM involves making mistakes, and laughing at yourself shows humility. Sometimes something incredibly funny happens to you or you read something hilarious, and your partner is usually the first person that you want to share it with. I laugh with my husband probably more than I serve him, but that doesn't mean that I don't respect him as my Dominant!
11. You Mourn Together
I feel like it's very important to add this one after my recent loss. Unfortunately sometimes, life throws a curveball and the kinky part of the dynamic just goes down the pan. In times like these, it's important to realise that your support for one another comes first, and the rules of your dynamic probably come second. It may be that you may play more, but you may also play less. You may want less pain or you may want more, and you may also cry heavily and unexpectedly or experience a whole host of other confusing emotions on top. In times of grief, know that whatever is right for you is right for you in that moment.
12. Your Dom (Or Sub) Is Gross
And I mean REALLY gross. I had to rescue my husband from the bathroom on his 30th birthday, and he has had to deal with a large cyst on my back which burst without any prior warning. Coughs, colds and gastric flu become common, and sharing them (and the recovery from them) becomes a part of the norm. When you love someone and when you marry them, you really do marry them "for better or worse" - snot, vomit and an abundance of tissues included!
13. Sometimes You Just Don't Feel Like Playing
Thanks to movies there seems to be an idea that we are in our respective roles all the time, but nothing could be further from the truth. Stress, tiredness, illness, messy rooms, there are countless reasons why you may not want to do kinky things right now, and all of them are valid.
14. We Don't All Have A Dungeon Or A "Red Room Of Pain"
What does our dungeon look like? An under-the-mattress restraint system, some hooks on the back of a wardrobe door (for floggers, crops etc) and a five-drawer unit at the foot of the bed. Yep, that's it! Kinky, huh? Lots of people are kinky, but very few actually have a spare room or a basement that they can turn into a dungeon. Those who do are the lucky ones! If you do, why not check out this show?!
15. You Go On Dates Like A Regular Couple
"But Helen! Aren't you supposed to be kinky?!" I know, I know, but it does happen. We go to the zoo, the aquarium, the movies... We go out for picnics or we go to pubs for dinner. All of them are completely devoid of any kinky bits and you know what? We have a perfectly nice time while we're out!
I hope reading this will give you some insights of how kinky 24/7 dynamics quite frequently aren't. 24/7 is a bit of a misnomer because we're not always playing - in fact, it's usually quite the opposite! The way we love may be a little bit different, but the way we live is still very much the same.
That's it from me for this post! Are you in a 24/7 BDSM relationship? How many of these have you experienced? Give this post a like, share, or leave a comment below. Alternatively, click here for more kinky posts!
Until next time!
Stay safe & have fun,
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Great notes! I love the idea of having a safe word for public or social times.
It’s invaluable to have. As long as you make it a fairly “normal” word that nobody will pick up on, it won’t rouse any suspicions at all!
That sounds like exactly what we need. Do you find you need/use it at munches and that kind of thing, or more vanilla places?
Munches, family gatherings, outings with friends, anywhere.
Someone sat near you and offering unsolicited kink advice? You could say to your partner “could you sew if they have any burgundy behind the bar please?”. Of course in that case, burgundy is a type of wine, but also your safe word.
At a family gathering, “I got myself a nice burgundy matte lipstick today.” To anyone else it’s small talk, but to your partner it let’s them know that there is a problem. Even if family comment on your love for burgundy, you can just pass it off as a favourite colour. They don’t need to know 😉
I love it!! Thanks!
You’re more than welcome 🙂
Well, you live what I call “vanilla bdsm”. People who are kinky, but not in the bdsm in it’s core. They just don’t know it themselves.
I am locked in shackles 24/7 (not in chains all the time), don’t go to the work, becouse I am home slave. Chained for bed at night and timeouts with difficult position. Punished in dungeon room with hard whippings with no safewords until I cry. And I live it afterwards.
This is not for all, but it is true D/s. And yes, it can be done in real life too. 24/7.
And still we have normal life too, outside from home the whole dynamics change.
Hello there, thankyou for your comment. I am glad to hear that the BDSM lifestyle is going well for you.
Thankyou for sharing with me how BDSM looks for you. Personally though I would disagree with you, and even I am quite alarmed by your mention of the “core” of BDSM, or “true” BDSM. As someone who has lived this lifestyle now for 17+ years, and as both a Dominant and a submissive, I know that the “core” of BDSM is trust and respect – even the principles of safe, sane, consensual are based on respect. You did not specify what the core of BDSM is to you?
I also think it’s unhelpful to categorise people in terms of “true” BDSM or “vanilla BDSM”, and this is something that drew me away from social conventions within the community – it can be very cliquey. BDSM is whatever you make it, however you make it, and whatever works for you and your life. You will find people who practice kink like you do, and others who do it differently. You have your strict life and that’s great, but that isn’t and won’t be for everyone, including myself and my Dominants. Please understand that that doesn’t make others not into BDSM like you are, they just embrace kink differently to what you do.
I wish you all the best on your kinky ventures 😊