Some practical tips for introducing your partner to kink, from someone who has been in your shoes before.

I had plans to write a whole book on this topic but it seems that the need is too great, writing books gets kind of confusing (and costly!) if you don’t know what you’re doing, and it’s just generally not the business model that I want to go down. Plus, there’s no guarantee that your book will sell, or sell well, and I feel like the need for this advice far outweighs my need to make money. So, I decided to make this another “Lessons In BDSM” blog post instead – I hope it helps! 

How Do I Introduce My Partner To BDSM (Without Freaking Them Out)?

I look back so fondly now on the time that I introduced my then-friend to BDSM. I’m not sure what provoked me to tell him there and then — I think I thought I was in love with him (well I sort of was, but I was infatuated with him). I’m also not sure what reaction I was hoping for, or what reaction I thought I was going to get — curiosity maybe, fascination or intrigue?

I got none of those. 

I got an “eww”.

Yeah, “eww”. Ouch.

At that point and in that very moment, all of my hopes of us ever having wild and kinky sex were dashed, and I didn’t think he was ever going to speak to me again to boot. It’s soul-crushing when you open such an intrinsic part of your identity up to someone, only to have them reject it: it didn’t feel like he was rejecting BDSM, it felt like he was rejecting me. 

Fortunately that’s all in the past, and after several months of trial and error, lengthy discussions and wonderful play sessions, Master Levi and myself have been very happy together for nearly twenty years. 

So that brings us to the first step:

Step One: Have That Conversation

Whatever you do, make sure you pick the right time and place. A family gathering or an important work function? Neither the right time, nor the right place. Find somewhere private for just the two of you, where you can be alone and unhurried. Plan what you’re going to say, but don’t overshare just yet. You could also try a question, for example: “have you ever wanted to try bondage during sex?”.

Be Open to Questions

Depending on their curiosity and comfort level, your partner may have a lot of questions for you: what got you into it, when did you get into it, was it related to some trauma (no thanks to films like Fifty Shades), and so on. Whilst an interest in BDSM certainly isn’t anything to be ashamed of, answer their questions honestly and authentically, even if these questions are hard or embarrassing for you. Remember: curiosity isn’t criticism, and open, honest communication can help forge strong, healthy connections. 

Also remember, not every question needs a perfect answer right away — it’s okay to say “I’m still figuring that out myself”!

Give Them Time (And Some Advice) To Research

So you’ve done the hard bit, but right now they likely have more questions than they have answers, that’s okay. Suggest they take some time to research and maybe advise them to some good resources, but don’t overwhelm them with information unless they ask for more. For now at least, you have to let your partner take the initiative. Remember, patience is key. 

Remember The Importance Of Consent, And Respect Their Wishes If They Aren’t Interested

There’s no law that says your partner has to be kinky — if they aren’t interested, you must respect that, but you do then need to have a discussion about what that means for you both and your kinks. Could you watch porn, open up your relationship or see a relationship therapist to help you resolve your differences? Remember, all relationships — kinky or otherwise — are based on consent.

Negotiate

Now that you’ve had “the talk” and discovered that you both might like to try BDSM, where can you find compromise? You might find it helpful to brainstorm together to help you discover how your BDSM relationship might look, or have a look at a BDSM checklist. Circle anything you both agree on, and underline anything that is absolutely essential for you. If you don’t agree, discuss, negotiate and find a solution. Also, be aware that fantasy and reality don’t always align!                                   

Attend A Club/Munch Together

Here’s another fun (if a little scary!) idea: why not explore a club or munch together? Clubs and munches can be a great way to meet fellow kinky people and help your partner realise that kink is more common — and more normal — than many people think. Many event organisers are more than used to accommodating the newbies too, so they can be great at further helping to quell your partner’s anxieties. 

Not ready for a BDSM club? Check out a munch instead — think kinky people in a vanilla place with their vanilla clothing on! 

Explore, Reevaluate & Communicate

I’d love to tell you that your BDSM relationship will be everything you dreamed of right away — unfortunately, that’s often not the case. When I introduced Master to BDSM, he used to be excessively physical with me because he thought that’s just what I wanted — to be spanked for every little thing that I did wrong! Fortunately Master was more than willing to learn, and more than willing to accept that on this subject at least, I probably knew more than he did. Communication is important too, and it certainly was and is for us — we’re constantly talking about what we do and don’t like in our BDSM! 

Have fun!

Above all else, and I say this from the bottom of my heart: have fun in your BDSM play! Make it sombre and serious if you want to, but if you enjoy some silliness or some witty and playful banter, incorporate that too! There’s nothing to say that you can’t have humour in your BDSM play, that your Dominant should be cold and strict, or that your submissive can’t or shouldn’t have even an inkling of a personality. In fact, legend has it that many Dominants even like a submissive with a bit of a feisty side. They won’t always readily admit that, though 😉 

Want a basic introduction course to BDSM first? Check out our free Guide to BDSM here!

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

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