They’re a popular look, but are collars really make or break in BDSM play?

From as long as I can remember, then by and large, I have always seen submissive and slave partners portrayed as wearing collars in BDSM play. Even in society, submissives and slaves quite often wear collars as a demonstration of their role within the community, or as a mark of their commitment to another. Still for others, like Secretary’s Lee Holloway or Fifty Shades Of Grey’s Anastasia Steele, a collar is not a part of their typical submissive look. So then, are collars really essential in BDSM? As an owned, non-collar-wearing submissive, I wanted to shed some light on this debate today.

Collars: The Argument For

A Look At History

From far back in early civilisation, slaves have largely been depicted as wearing a collar of some form and so many BDSM practitioners have continued with this style. During the Stonewall Riots, leather collars with an O ring became a common symbol of the “cubs”, the submissive gay bottoms that were committed to “Bears”, or Top, gay men. Be them metal, leather or another material entirely, the submissive symbolism of the collar still remains today.

A Wedding Ring With A Difference

For some, a collar is a symbolism unlike no other. Far from a mere fashion piece or a symbol of their role, it is a symbol of their commitment to their partner – not unlike a wedding or engagement ring. Dominant and submissive partners alike take pride in the submissive’s wearing of a collar, both as a sign of the one that they own and of the one that they serve.

Attachment Style

Collars don’t only serve as a decorative piece, but they are functional too. Most collars have a (or several) D-ring or O-ring, making it possible for the submissive partner to be attached to furniture, fixtures or even themselves. Without the collar in situ, such attachment wouldn’t always be possible.

A Healing Touch

Still further, some many submissives claim to feel a sense of safety and comfort while wearing their collar, as though they are being protected and nurtured by their Dominant partner, because of the collar they wear. The collar, then, doesn’t just provide a a symbol of a commitment, but perhaps rather a physical trigger to a more peaceful and secure state of mind.

Collars: The Argument Against

The Dark Times

In more recent history, activists, politicians and leading figures alike have sought to do away with all and any associations of slavery, the slave trade and inequality between the races. Given this, then a collar might be an unpalatable look for some people today, and an alternative gesture may be preferred.

A Key Feature

One of the most challenging problems that some people face when deciding on a collar is trying to find something that is (at least somewhat) discreet, or complements a particular aesthetic. Unfortunately, leather collars are typically at least 1-2cm in width, and some many metal collars can be made of thicker metal chains, or even solid rolled metal. Although there are some great many styles out there, some people still struggle to find a style that suits them.

A Matter Of The Heart

At it’s core, submission (and by proxy, slavery) is not in the things we wear, but rather, it comes from somewhere deep within. Given this, some may argue that a collar almost ceases to be necessary to the making of a submissive, or is even in excess. If the submissive (or slave) partner wants to submit, they will, and if they don’t, a collar isn’t going to change their mind.

A Required Taste

For my husband, for myself and perhaps for the producers of Secretary and Fifty Shades too, some people just don’t enjoy the aesthetic that a collar produces. Again, perhaps they find it excessive, bulky, or just “too heavy” in their relationship dynamic. Whatever the reason, it is vital that we emphasise that it is the intentions and willingness of the submissive that defines who they are, not whether or not they wear a collar.

Bonus: Home (Dis)comforts

Finally, t wouldn’t have been right for me to conclude this list without telling you why I, personally, choose not to wear a collar: I find something around my neck (unless it’s my husband’s hand!) plainly uncomfortable. I’ve tried collars, didn’t mind them for an hour or two, but then found that the sensation of something pressing against my larynx made me feel anxious and distracted. I’m a Highly Sensitive Person anyway, and odd sounds, smells and sensations are something that I’m certain to pick up on. In order for me to be calm and productive, it is important for me to be as comfortable as possible. A good Dominant partner would not force you to wear something that makes you feel physically or emotionally uncomfortable, if it were not consensual.

Symbolic Jewellery: The Non-Collar Collar

If you and your partner really do prefer a lighter touch, I highly advise you to look to symbolic jewellery (or even just symbolism) for something that suits you both. Symbolic jewellery can include a necklace, a bracelet, an anklet, a ring, a toe ring, a pair of earrings, a navel bar, a pair of cufflinks, a tie pin… the list goes on. Be sure to discuss styles, elements, and if the submissive partner has a known allergy, definitely consider your chosen metals. As someone with a nickel allergy, my bracelet is made entirely with 925 Sterling silver, it bears Matr’s initials and our birthstones, sapphire and opal. That way, I make an accidental reaction to sentimental items a thing of my past.

For symbolism, you have even more variety and it could include: A perfume, a make-up look, a tie, a hair scrunchie, a style of underwear (I definitely only bought my husband stripy socks after he made a reference to my love of them 😉 ), even a particular hairstyle. Find something special and meaningful for you both, and go for it.

Just as an aside, Christian Grey also presents Anastasia Steele with a charm bracelet in Fifty Shades Freed. Although it is a symbol of the things in their relationship and not in place of their wedding rings (or a collar), it is indeed another example of symbolism and of jewellery making an appearance within the contexts of BDSM.

Conclusion

Ultimately, whether or not you include a collar in your relationship is a decision that only you and your partner can decide, but I hope that if nothing else, if you’re looking for ideas that are something other than a collar, then this post offers some assurance. I have been with my husband for more than 14 years, and I am still every bit the submissive to him now – with my shiny silver bracelet – as I was back during our early days. Only you and your partner get to decide what your dynamic looks like, what it involves, and whether or not you (or they) wear a collar. If you decide to invest, then great, and I hope that you both truly have a wonderful time. If collars aren’t for you, then I hope that whatever you and your partner decide, you will have a great time picking something meaningful to you both.

Want a basic introduction course to BDSM first? Check out our free Guide to BDSM here!

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

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