Note: This post was inspired by a post by fellow blogger and sister submissive, slave Shae, and is not designed to take away from her writing in any way. Please read her writing too as her insights are equally interesting and worthy of your time and attention. Thank you. 

Also to note, I use “narcissist” in this post in relation to UNDIAGNOSED narcissists, and “Narcissist” to refer to those clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

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Narcissist: Ask any jilted lover why their relationship fell apart and the most likely thing you’ll hear today is “they’re a narcissist”. Whilst narcissism is certainly on the rise, I was quite alarmed by the perception mentioned in Shae’s post, that our Dominant partners may indeed be narcissists. Is it true that our Dominant partners really may be narcissists in disguise? I did a little investigating to find out. 

“Narcissist”: Why We Label The People We’ve Loved

As a fan of psychology, I have spent a lot of my free time studying the ways we think and act, and nothing fascinates me more than the way that humans problem-solve. When we don’t have a problem, everything is good. When we do have a problem, we immediately scramble to give a label to it. In psychology, this is known as “labeling”. 

The human tendency to label things is far from new. From our earliest memories of shape-sorting toys, we separate items into good and bad, right and wrong, tasty and disgusting, pretty and ugly, and so on. Humans have an inherent need to label things to organise them, and so that we can make sense of the things that currently don’t make sense to us. When we love someone, we might call them our partner. When they do us wrong, we might call them “toxic” or a “narcissist” instead.

Unfortunately, “toxic” and “narcissist” are two buzzwords popularised by social media, which means to say that people are now being labeled as “narcissists” even when they aren’t clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is both harmful and hurtful for the individual mislabeled, as well as the person who labelled them, After all, they aren’t taking any accountability for their part in the failure of the relationship, and that, too, is unhealthy. 

Narcissistic VS Narcissist: A Subtle But Important Difference

By now, many an armchair psychologist is familiar with the DSM-5’s symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder: overinflated ego, self-centredness, a lack of empathy, extreme angry outbursts to name but a few. Indeed, we can all be narcissistic at times, but does that mean that we are all Narcissists? The difference lies in our intentions: for the healthy individual, a healthy, balanced connection with others is what we seek. For the Narcissist, they seek some sort of advantage over other people. Narcissists seek power, control and validity – they require “supplies” to meet their constant ego-centric needs. Whilst we all have needs, a healthy person gives and receives. A Narcissist only receives, or gives initially, only to cash in on it in dividends later on.

The Psychology Of The Dominant VS The Narcissist

By and large, this observation is based on my interactions with Dominant men, and so and as such, please excuse me that my observations in Dominant women are fairly limited. However, from what I have observed, I have noticed a number of similar qualities in Dominants, regardless of gender. They include:

• Empathy

• Caring

• Passionate

• Generosity

• Honesty

• Sincerity

• Reliability

• Flexibility

Now to compare that to how a Narcissist can* be:

• Cold

• Abusive

• Possessive

• Selfish

• Dishonest

• Insincere

• Unreliable

• Rigid

* Narcissists CAN also appear as warm and charming individuals as part of their initial strategy, only to turn abusive and/or manipulative in order to get what they want. 

I know that some traits of a narcissist might seem like ideal qualities of a Dominant, but there is one oh-so-subtle and important difference: for a Dominant, these can be characteristics that they take on as part of a role they play for the pleasure of both themselves and their submissive. For a Narcissist, it’s just a part of who they are. 

Are Dominants Narcissists? A Field Study

To get to the bottom of this theory, I knew that there was only one kind of person to ask, at least initially: I needed to ask the three Dominants I know themselves. Leave it to me to be foolish brazen enough to do just that!

My “test” was simple enough: I simply asked my chosen victim Dominant whether they agreed with the statement that “Dominants are narcissists”. I didn’t ask them whether they thought they were a narcissist – a true Narcissist doesn’t believe that they are a Narcissist – I only asked them if they agreed that Dominants are narcissists, generally. 

None of them agreed, but all of them said a Narcissist could identify as Dominant, because Narcissists (and narcissistic people too, for that) can be domineering.  

Expanding on that, I put it to the Lovehoney Forum too, and asked if members agreed that Dominants are narcissists. There, my submissive friends could answer too, but here comes the shocker: they all also disagreed. 

So If Dominants Aren’t Narcissists, Why Might Some People Think They Are? 

Unfortunately, and thanks largely to the continuation of poor media perceptions and social media platforms like TikTok and Instagram Reels, it’s far quicker and easier for people to watch short videos on what a “good” Dominant is, rather than to read and study what a Dominant truly is. Not everyone who creates media for the masses cares so much for your safety and your wellbeing, some people only really care about the money they make from what they do.

If you are an identifying Dominant who has been accused of being narcissistic, take the time to understand what that means and then think about how you can overcome the situation. If you’re new to BDSM, understand that everyone makes mistakes at first, but with mistakes comes the chance to learn and grow. A healthy person wants to learn and grow, a Narcissist or narcissistic person does not – a Narcissist believes that they already know all there is to know about being a good Dominant!

And if you’re a kind-hearted person who thinks you need to be rough and tough to be a Dominant, take heart – the very best Dominants are big softies really, the rough and toughness is just a part of the show 😉 

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

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