Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
“By giving up control I felt free. From responsibilities, from making decisions. I felt safe.”
Christian Grey, Fifty Shades Of Grey
For someone who has never explored BDSM, E.L. James struck a chord with this poignant line.
From as young as I can remember, I have always been in a position of trust and control. Perhaps not as the ultimate decision maker, but I have always been trusted still. I am a big sister, I was a (Girl Guide) patrol leader, a scriptwriter, a close friend. At school, classmates looked to me for guidance or leadership. I was entrusted to lead on projects: to come up with ideas, solve problems and present answers. When I went canoeing with my school then without my leadership, my classmate and I would possibly still be paddling our way down the River Avon even now. It wasn’t her confidence or competence that got us to safety, it was my ability to direct and lead her that got us there. I received a certificate for my leadership skills from the activity centre a few weeks later.
In adulthood I was the project manager on a couple of websites, one of which was where I met the man who would later become my husband. A lot of my work involved me making decisions: what fonts to use, what colours worked, what pages were necessary and so on. It was tough and stressful, wanting to please and not being sure that I was. I had very little guidance – people either liked my work, or they didn’t.
Later again in life I became a carer, and that too required leadership and taking control. Even when I wanted to flop and wallow at an unfair and unjust world, I couldn’t because I was needed to care. I had to help with activities and bathing, provide general assistance, go shopping, do the cooking and so on. I was one person, living for two people.
Now as a housewife, I still have decisions to make. I’m responsible for interior design, family gatherings, birthdays & celebrations, pet care and general cleaning. I have to manage myself and our home, and if I fail, I disappoint. My husband doesn’t tell me what to do; he recognises my abilities to manage and he expects me to manage as best as I can. He knows that I hate being micromanaged, though sometimes I enjoy it, as part of a scene.
So this comes down to that, and why I enjoy what I do? Well, and for as much as I have control, I also enjoy losing control. I enjoy control being taken from me, by someone that I trust and so that I can let go, relax and feel. I no longer have to think, I can flip the switch and just do as I’m told instead.
I can be feisty, yes, but it’s not really about being disobedient to my Dominant. It’s a kind of foreplay between Dominant and submissive, a kind of dance, a precursor to what is and what will be. I’ve had many partners enjoy my wit and wordsmithery – they say it makes their capture of me more fun in the end. If someone doesn’t enjoy what I do then the problem is an incompatibility issue, not me personally.
After that, it’s about feeling, about experiencing and sharing a moment. Life is about lots of little moments, and these moments with a Dominant are about pleasure and pain. They are about their desire to inflict sensation, my desire to feel it, and my allowing them to see and hear my response in turn. We discuss limits beforehand so that there is nothing that I won’t like.
I can’t help but think BDSM is a little like going to a friend’s house for dinner, hear me out: I like a little spice, but I don’t like very spicy food, I also don’t like greasy or smoked foods. I like aromatic flavours, Mediterranean cuisine and grilled or rustic food. So if a friend knows what I do like then they’re more likely (at least if they’re a good friend!) to invite me for something that I will like, than that I won’t like.
In the same way, in BDSM we negotiate what we will and won’t do, what we do and don’t enjoy so that everyone can and will (hopefully!) enjoy themselves. Remember, you absolutely do have the right to say no to something you don’t like or aren’t enjoying, and if it’s not consensual then it’s not BDSM.
So what’s the appeal? I guess, then like going to a friend’s house, it’s about trusting them to lead me, entertain me and allowing them to enjoy my company – albeit in a very erotic way!
That’s it for me for this post. How does your submissive desire look? Leave a comment below or read more of my 30 Days of Kink posts!
Just dipping your toe into the world of BDSM? Take a read of our FREE Guide To BDSM!
Until next time!
Stay safe & have fun,
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