Hello Lovelies and welcome to my top twelve signs of a fake Dom!

I wrote my popular post, 12 Signs You May Be A Needy Submissive (And How To Overcome Them) a while ago now. Today, I thought it only right to put the Dominants in the spotlight!

There are many articles about Fake Doms already out there and I’m sure many will closely repeat some of the points that I am making today, however, the points that I have raised in this post are based on my own submissive experiences within the BDSM community. Having almost two decades of experience under my belt, I have seen time and time again the way that some Dominants behave, and they are the ones that I am always wary of.

What Is A Fake Dom?

A Fake Dom is someone who has some Dominant “red flags”, and may be considered unsafe or unhealthy to be in a relatuonship with. Fake Doms nearly always carry some other traits of an emotionally abusive personality, such as chronic insecurity or immaturity. It’s not to say that they don’t desire being Dominant, sexually, but that their reasons for wanting to be a Dominant may be masking something, psychologically.

So, are you ready?

Here are my…

My Top 12 Signs Of A Fake Dom

1. They Use Diminutive Names Right Away

It happens all the time, particularly online, but starting off a conversation with a diminutive name like slave/bitch/slut (or even cuter names like babygirl/boy, prince/princess) etc is a red flag — it objectifies you and diminishes you, and it smacks of entitlement. It’s fine to agree and use pet names in your BDSM dynamic, but these things should be discussed and adopted as part of your negotiation phase, they shouldn’t be used right away.

2. They Have A Pre-Written Contract (And They Expect You To Sign It)

If a Dom approaches you with a pre-written contract, and they aren’t open for negotiation — RUN! This isn’t a person who wants to explore a BDSM dynamic with you, this is a person who wants a BDSM dynamic, period, and you’re just the means to an end. Is that really what you want for yourself? Don’t you think you deserve to be happy in your BDSM relationships, too? A good Dominant will want to consider your wants and needs as well. 

3. They Don’t Have Clear Rules (There’s No Contract)

Something that I’ve seen happen time and time again (including for myself) when things have gone wrong in BDSM, is the absence of clear rules or a contract. You cannot “wing it” in BDSM; even if your rules and contract are light and simple, it still helps everyone to know what the rules are. If your Dom is too lazy to write a contract or agreement of sorts, they are too lazy to own you. Also, some Fake Doms refuse to create a contract with you so that they can impose new “rules” as they go along, then punish you when you forget them.

4. They Rush Into A Relationship With You

Rushing into a relationship is a red flag anyway, and in BDSM, it’s no different. Just like in a vanilla relationship, you need to take some time to get to know one another — your likes, your dislikes, your styles, what you want in your BDSM dynamic, what you don’t want etc. Whether your personalities match or collide. It takes more than a Dominant and a submissive to make a BDSM pairing; you need to work together, as people. 

5. They Have Unrealistic Expectations For You / Your Relationship

You’ve just finished work, but they expect you to be home and ready to play within the hour? It may sound fun or idyllic for the first few weeks or so, but life happens and things get in the way, and it’s not right or fair to take it out on your partner when life doesn’t go according to plan. A real Dom will be prepared to rethink, revise or re-negotiate whenever life throws a curveball at your kinky activities, but a Fake Dom is likely to lash out and blame you for letting them down.

6. They Demonstrate Toxic Behaviours

Do they treat you as if you are below them (outside of a scene)? Are they defensive if you call them up on a mistake? Do they gaslight you when there’s a problem, or are they excessively jealous about you talking to other people? Respect, trust and good, healthy communication is paramount in BDSM. If they aren’t showing you these and aren’t willing to improve, you need to leave.

7. They Take More Than They Give

Everyone likes to feel pampered sometimes, but a good Dominant cares for their submissive as much as their submissive cares for them. Sure, they might order their submissive to perform an errand or serve them in some way that they might not reciprocate, but what about aftercare? For the Dominants among, remember that it’s important to look after your toys — all of them 😉 

8. They Don’t Respect Your Limits & Boundaries

Everyone has things they will and won’t do, and it does not make you a lesser submissive for having them, nor a “better” submissive if you don’t. With that being said, everyone deserves their boundaries respected, regardless of how many or how few you have. It’s fine to consensually explore your boundaries together in your BDSM relationship, it’s not fine for your Dominant partner to nonconsensually ignore them. 

In a similar vein, this is also applicable to safewords: I once played with a reputable Dominant at a BDSM event, only to have him ignore me when I called “Red”. I never spoke to him – nor played with him – again.

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9. They Are A “Slave Collector”

Ethical non-monogamy is one thing, but some “Dominants” collect otherwise-monogamous submissives and force them to consent to their non-monogamous arrangement as a way to boost their ego — the more slaves they have, the better they (believe they) look to other kinky folk. Using people like this is both extremely disrespectful and rather hurtful, and ultimately desrtoys rather than boosts their reputation within the local community, which they may or may not be a part of anyway. I’ve been approached by “slave collectors” a few times, and I pay very close attention to how they speak of their existing partners. If it’s about what I am, rather than who I am, I’m out.

10. They Don’t Want To Learn

One of the things that I most pride myself on is that, when it comes to trying something new, I am always ready and willing to learn. Even if I don’t know what I’m doing, I want to learn how to please my partner. Unfortunately, some Fake Doms think they know best: they have a know-it-all attitude and don’t believe there is anything more to learn. I’ve been in the BDSM community 20+ years, and I’m still learning things!  

11. They Are Always In Control

Being Dominant is one thing, but can they relax and be, you know, a respectful, approachable human being? If you can’t have a conversation as equal partners sometimes, this is quite possibly a sign of a Fake Dom. A real Dominant is self-assured; a Fake Dom needs the assurance (and compliance) of others to determine who they are. 

12. They Ignore You (Without Your Consent)

Some people enjoy being temporarily (or permanently) disregarded by their Dominant partners in their BDSM play, yet, for others of us, such treatment can be triggering or deeply traumatic. If your Dominant ignores you, without your consent, it’s a sign of manipulative tactics designed to “punish” you for a perceived wrongdoing. A real Dominant cares about their submissive’s well-being and they would never punish them without telling them why they are being punished first, however, a fake Dom only really cares about themselves.

Bonus: They’re Strictly Online Only

Look, this isn’t to bash on the people who have long-distance relationships, but there are some people who pose as Dominants online for various gains: money, attention, sexual satisfaction and so on. Is it gross? Absolutely. Does it happen? Unfortunately all too often. If you want to meet them and they’re suddenly full of excuses, that might be a sign.

I’ve Recognised Some Of The Signs Of A Fake Dom In Myself Or My Partner, How Can I Overcome Them?

If you’ve recognised or or two signs of a Fake Dom in yourself or your partner, take a deep breath and don’t panic. There is a world of difference between a well-meaning person who makes a genuine mistake, and someone who hurts someone, refuses to apologise and instead blames the other person. With commuication, patience, respect and support, anyone can learn and grow, and many people do deserve another chance. Accountability, too, can go a great way to helping to save relationships. Nobody likes to be wrong, and nobody likes to have to apologise. Saying sorry and being willing to learn, though, can be a great first step to becoming a better Dominant.

That’s it from me for this post. Have you encountered a Fake Dom before? Leave a comment below or read more of our Kink & BDSM posts!

Want a basic introduction course to BDSM first? Check out our free Guide to BDSM.

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

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