They may look lovely in leather, but make sure they’re truly lovely first.

Just lately, any time Master Levi sends me something to watch on Instagram, my homepage is filled with videos from young biker boys posting with chains as “bad boys”. They hint towards Dominating the viewer and it makes me uncomfortable. 

In some other videos, they suggest that chasing their date through the woods is an ideal first date activity. I grimace: whatever happened to “stranger danger”?

The Rise Of Digital Doms

When I first stepped into the world of BDSM in 2006, Instagram didn’t even exist. Even PornHub didn’t exist, and sex and kink was largely found in seedy top-shelf magazines. Nobody talked about being kinky; being kinky was akin to being a creep. 

I remember the first fetish event that I attended, ushered away in a rented nightclub in a tiny side street in central Bristol. Nothing advertised what we were about, and nothing was allowed to either. We were a small group of sexual deviants, fortunate enough to find a speakeasy spot that was willing to accommodate us and our perverted proclivities.

Today, all of that has changed. Social media is now rife, Instagram and TikTok are all the rage and PornHub and OnlyFans exist. Dating apps are common and popular (goodbye, Craigslist), and finding fellow kinksters is no longer hard to do. In fact, and particularly since Fifty Shades of Grey, a lot of people are openly kinky. 

And I think that’s great, I really do. I think it’s great that so many people are discovering there is more to sex than the missionary position. 

But whilst I think it’s great that so many people have had their eyes opened, what is seemingly being left beside the wayside in places like Instagram and TikTok, is safety. 

And we need to talk about that, before someone gets seriously hurt, or someone commits a crime they had no intention of committing. 

Just this past week I watched a video of a man holding a bike chain in both hands, snapping it between both hands and suggesting wrapping it around a (presumably woman’s) neck to force her to behave. 

Some people like rough kink, and that’s perfectly okay. Some people may like the feel of a bike chain around their neck, but that is never something that should be done without an understanding of safety and enthusiastic consent. If you want to encorpate some choking or other rough kink into your BDSM play, be sure to speak to more knowledgeable peers first. We won’t judge you — we’re here to help you do what we’ve been doing for years. Remember, we were in your shoes once ourselves!

Nobody should be made to submit; that lies in sharp contrast with what the BDSM community stands for and is all about. If we condone this kind of behaviour, we give naysayers solid grounds to consider BDSM abusive and unsafe. We must call out unsafe and unacceptable practices in order to protect ourselves, and that is what I wanted to do in this post. 

Made to submit with negotiated consent? Fine, consensual non-consent is a thing. Forced to consent because they’re submissive and you’re Dominant? That’s not how we do things around here. 

Please also understand that I have nothing against leather-clad biker boys: leather has long been a part of the BDSM community, and probably will be long after I retire. I also have nothing against the fetishization of the leather community, so long as those who are fetishized have consented to it first.

But I absolutely do have an issue with the unsafe “BDSM” practices (and accessories, for that) that I see on social media. 

What’s Wrong With Kinky Hide & Seek? 

As a kink there is absolutely nothing wrong with a game of hide and seek. Sub hunts (the kinky kind, not the military ones) have long been a part of the BDSM community, and are something I’ve long wanted to do. The primal kink is also a thing, and many people — my partners and myself included — enjoy predator/prey roles. 

The fantasy is great, but the reality might not be. What then? 

This is why it might not be a good first date idea

What is sexy? Being chased by someone you want chasing you. 

What’s not sexy? Being chased by someone you don’t want chasing you. 

How can you decide whether or not you want to chase them/be chased by them? By meeting in a safe spot first.

Stranger Danger: A Lesson In Online Safety

I remember particularly well a man that I arranged to meet once. It was innocent enough: he’d offered me some emotional support during some hard times. I agreed to meet him because he seemed nice. He offered me a coffee and a chat, so I figured I could at least go and make a new friend. 

When I got into the town centre he told me he could see me but didn’t know how to approach me, which I found a bit peculiar for someone who had wanted to meet me in the first place. He told me to walk to the coffee shop that we planned to meet at and he would catch me up. Not knowing what else to do, I did. 

A few times I looked back, there was a young man in a long trench coat and flat cap following me. I wasn’t sure if it was him, but any turn I took, this man seemed to take. When I eventually reached the cafe and looked back, that’s when he told me he knew it was me. 

I want to be nice about him, but he was by far the strangest man that I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. 

There were some annoying kids on my bus, and he made jokes about killing the kids and turning them into bacon. He noticed that I was wearing a lipstick (actually a tinted lip balm, but I don’t expect men to know the difference) and he commented that it was the kind of colour a prostitute would wear (I had to wonder just how many prostitutes he’d seen). After I’d left, in the evening after our meeting, he messaged me and asked if I wanted to play “the rape game”. When I said no (because I don’t find rape jokes funny), he replied “that’s the spirit”. Naturally I blocked him and never spoke to him again. 

I was lucky, I arranged to meet him in central Bristol in broad daylight and where I knew there would be plenty of other people around me. But what if I’d agreed for him to chase me through the woods on our first meet instead? What if I had agreed he could do anything he wanted if he caught me?

Well then, dear reader, I might not be writing this post today. 

How To Play Safe Online

Now that I’ve shared with you my own account of stranger danger, let’s look at some tips for playing safe online, and so that you can enjoy the kinky experience you’ve hoped for. 

1. Don’t rush — I know you’re eager, but your life is not worth gambling with. Even a few weeks is better than risking it all on a first meet. You should move at the pace of the most hesitant partner, so if one of you still has nerves, put playtime on hold and go get a burger together instead. Trust is paramount in BDSM — BDSM is supposed to be fun! 
2. Trust your gut — Especially in the times of AI. If the conversation seems a bit too smooth, they reply strangely fast or their pictures seem a bit too perfect, trust your instincts on that. If they’re pushy and you don’t feel safe, don’t hesitate to say no and/or block them. 
3. Get to know them — both in and out of kink. Their hobbies and interests. Their passion and past experiences. If they talk a good game but they have little to no past experience, recognise that they may be more in love with a fantasy than a reality. 
4. Ask for references — either from people who have played with them or from people who know them. If they can’t or won’t provide them, treat that as a warning sign.
5. Agree a stop signal and/or safeword — before you play, you need to be able to communicate when you want/need to stop. If your partner doesn’t want to have a way to stop play, that’s an immediate red flag. Keep yourself safe and don’t get further involved.
6. Have a look at a BDSM checklist — BDSM is not just bondage and spanking. There are numerous activities that you can try, and some might be deeply enjoyable whilst you find others deeply traumatic. To help make your BDSM games the best that they can possibly be, it helps if you both complete a checklist first so you can both see what activities you might like to explore, and anything you should absolutely avoid to avoid accidentally upsetting one another. 
7. Meet in a public, open space the first time — I know, I know, the hunt through the woods sounds fun! But remember, they could be anyone! Better safe than dead, right? 
8. Tell someone where you’re going — your friend or family member doesn’t need to know the details, “I’m meeting a new friend in town for coffee” is enough. For a sensible first meet, coffee is a good idea anyway.
9. Arrange a check-in — speaking of your friend or family member, ask them to check in with you, and have an agreed word with them in the event you need help. Fake an emergency, say that you’ll buy an ingredient for dinner on the way home. Whatever it is, make sure you have that code word. 
10. Have your own way home — I know a taxi might be tempting, but I strongly urge you to take the bus the first time, and if they follow you, get off well away from where you live. Even if you have to take other transport to get home safely, it’s still much safer than taking a cab with — or accepting a lift from — someone you don’t know. 

And when you’ve done all of that and you feel completely comfortable and safe with your new partner? That’s when you can start planning your sub hunt in the woods! 

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

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