What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Online BDSM play: part escape, part exploration, and always a conversation.

I did read a very interesting blog post on this recently, from Ourwritedowns, which you can find here if you’re interested.

For me personally, online BDSM can have its strengths and its weaknesses; its good points and its bad ones.  Can it replace “traditional” BDSM practices? Of course not. Can it bridge gaps for people, whether as a temporary or alternative solution? Absolutely! And there’s absolutely no shame in that. 

I personally have had numerous kinky online relationships, ranging from a young man who was the son of my mother’s online friend (perchance we saw one another on camera while our mothers were talking and wanted to talk to one another) who I explored a vampire roleplay with (he was immortal and I was never allowed to “live” for very long – nice!), an Australian Dom who used to set me tasks, a naval officer who enjoyed the idea of owning me and enjoyed roleplaying with me and a dynamic that started online and then became lightly interwoven with reality. All online BDSM relationships have their own way of being, and whether or not they work largely depends on the players involved. 

On the one hand, online BDSM relationships can indeed be very immersive, and can – through simple acts like following instructions and devotion – bring about a sense of Domspace and subspace dor both parties. Do they give you that “full” BDSM experience of being in a dungeon with your Dominant/submissive? Of course not! But the imagination is a powerful tool, and you can create some truly wonderful imaginary scenarios, together. 

On the other, however, there are understandably limitations to online BDSM play, and an online Dominant can not:

• Flog a submissive
• Bind them with rope/cuffs etc
• Tease them
• Have sex with them
• Inflict sensation play upon them

Et cetera

So online BDSM play may involve an enhanced level of obedience that a real-life submissive might not experience, for example, an online submissive may need to issue a spanking to themselves that a real-life Dominant would normally issue. In other words, an online submissive has to be willing to do these things to themselves. 

Online BDSM: An Escape From Reality?

I myself have enjoyed exploring some of my kinks with fellow online roleplayers when my husband has not been interested in them. For example, my medical kink – which sees me take on the role of a “subject” or “patient” – or my hunter/prey kink, which sees me take on a more fiesty character which might not be safe or practical in reality. My husband has no interest whatsoever in these kinks, but I have (and with his consent) found fellow roleplayers who have enjoyed exploring them with me, and together, it’s been a wonderful, hot experience for us both. Again though, if you have an existing partner, consent is absolutely crucial: cheating is still cheating, even online.

Secondly, online we can be someone other than our true selves, allowing fantasy to combine (or not) with reality. We can, for example, take on characteristics of a mythical beast, grow wings, develop otherworldly features and more. Online, fantasy worlds have existed for many years, and digital worlds of kinky sex have certainly existed among them. 

Finally, let’s not forget a group of people for whom online BDSM play might be well suited: those with disabilities and mental health conditions. For some, attending BDSM clubs and meet-ups may be practically and/or emotionally impossible, and so online BDSM play offers an avenue for them to explore their kinky selves, without ever having to step out into the wider world. 

But how else can we explore BDSM online?

“Hyperreal” BDSM: Instagram After Hours

I take great interest in Ourwritedown’s idea of “hyperreal” BDSM, a kind of “Dominant” status within the kinkdom that is based on the number of followers or social media interactions a member has, rather than their experience in real-world BDSM. Indeed, whilst I can see the appeal of this to so many people (especially younger generations, who are more likely to use social media), we need to be very careful about defining what BDSM is and what BDSM is not, and distorting the real-world with a digital one. Real Dominants (at least the good ones) really care for their submissives; they care for their welfare and making sure that their submissives are safe. A “hyperreal” Dominant might not (it is well documented that social media influences have increased levels of narcissism and decreased levels of empathy), or might not be able to. Could you just imagine trying to check in with, say, 10,000 (or more) “submissives”? Exhausting!  

Pay-For-Punishment: OnlyFans and BDSM

Online Domination is not new; websites like Fetlife have been around a while. What is new, however, is the rise of websites like OnlyFans, where some people pay to worship and online Doms and Dominatrixes on video feeds and without ever leaving their homes. 

In previous times, a submissive might have booked time with a professional Dominant in a BDSM dungeon. Many professional Dominants have gift lists too, that a submissive can buy from to further “worship” the Dominant in question. Many OnlyFans content creators have wishlists too, but the game has changed now: professional online Dominants are hardly a scarcity, and subs no longer have to hope to be chosen by the Dominant they hope to serve. Now it is the submissives who hold the power online, and they are free to worship and donate to whoever they want to serve. If an online Dominant (content creator) doesn’t match what it is that the submissive desires in their ideal Dominant, the submissive is free to simply move on and find a content creator who does. In that, it is forcing online professional Dominants to create a niche somewhat unique to them.   

AI BDSM: The Future Of BDSM?

Advanced AI is quite new, with platforms like ChatGPT only having been around since 2022. Indeed, whilst ChatGPT might get a bit coy if you flirt with it, it certainly won’t let you sext with it, no matter how much you try.  Fortunately there are platforms like JuicyAI that will fulfill all of your sexting desires, even if you can’t find someone to sext with, though you’ll have to pay to continue your conversation after a while. Also, a lot of these platforms cater to people who are into anime and hentai, which isn’t necessarily for everyone. Finally, these  characters like to jump in with tearing your clothes off and getting it on – not so great for the “slow burn” lovers among!

Purely for scientific purposes I tested out a few characters on JuicyAI, including a “vul(v)a test subject” character that sounded very promising before it started talking about cutting me intimately and making me bleed (yikes!). So, whilst adult AI platforms might be another avenue for some people, they certainly aren’t it for everyone.   

Online BDSM: Where Does All This Leave Us?

All this to say, there are many ways that online BDSM can look, that certainly do now allow people to explore their kinks without ever making themselves vulnerable to another person again. Would I advocate for pay-for-punishment or AI platforms over real, intimate relationships with real people? Absolutely not. But in a pinch, online BDSM certainly closes a gap for quite a lot of people. 

Until next time!

Stay safe & have fun,

That’s it from me for this post. What’s your opinion on online BDSM relationships? Share your thoughts in the comments or read more of my 30 Days of Kink posts!

Just dipping your toe into the world of BDSM? Take a read of our FREE Guide To BDSM!

Until next time!

Stay safe & have fun,

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