It’s a common Redtube fantasy; a hot guy is out on the driveway, servicing his car. A cute girl next door steps out, he notices her and he offers to service her car instead. One thing leads to another, grease and sweat flies everywhere and the only thing that gets serviced is her.

Maybe you’ve seen some other version of this storyline, or maybe you have some other neighbor fantasy play out in your mind for yourself. Whatever the narrative is, today I want to share with you the hot topic on my block, and why boinking the guy or girl next door is not a wise choice. Before we get started though, here’s the juice:

I have a neighbor, let’s call him Mr X. When we first moved in, we had a single guy in the flat next to ours and a then-taken man, Mr X, upstairs. Mr X has now split from his partner and the single guy has moved out. New neighbors have been and gone until a few weeks ago when a young girl and her son moved in. As is only natural for him, Mr X he was the first to take some time to get to know her better.

Now, as a rule, I’m generally a “not my circus, not my monkeys” kind of girl – I prefer to keep my beak very firmly out of other peoples’ business. Unless, of course, it somehow becomes my business.

But what when other peoples’ business does become my business? That’s what we’re here to talk about today. So as I watch this drama unfold in real-time, here are some of the telltale signs that you’re neighbors are cosying up:

1. They Insist That They And The Other Neighbor Are Not Sleeping Together

This was one of the first and the earliest signs. Mr X spoke to me and knew our new neighbor by name, but also had to insist to me that they were definitely not having relations. Congratulations! We aren’t having sex either, but I’m also not having sex with our neighbors in numbers 2, 4, 6, 8… Did I mention to you that I’m not having relations with my neighbors to make absolutely sure that you didn’t get the wrong impression? Nope, and that’s because my friendships with my other neighbors is none of your business, buddy! So then, why would your not-having-sex friendship with our neighbor suddenly be so concerning to me, hmm?

2. They Visit Them All. The. Time

This one is so painfully obvious. For someone who used to go out of the gate and veer right if we were ever in the front garden at the same time, Mr X now goes out of the gate and veers left. Not only, but he visits several times a day and suddenly seems quite sheepish about being seen going out. Three guesses why that might be!

3. Their Absence Is Felt (Sometimes In A Good Way)

This time last summer, Mr X would have been out in our community garden, shirt off with music blaring whilst he worked. This week, there’s been no music and the garden is absent of Mr X who, presumably, is sleeping off the night before. Those of us who would normally let our gardens fill with weeds to avoid spending time around Mr X have instead been doing some serious gardening. While the going is good for those of us who want to live in peace, you take it.

4. You Notice An Increase In Night Time Activity

Most nights, Mr X would go out and be back by 1AM at the latest, and we knew this because his entrance hallway is at the end of our bedroom. All of a sudden, the door goes at about 11PM and doesn’t go again then until about 5AM when he comes home. He isn’t working and in the dead of the night, we often hear conversations next door. Say no more.

5. They’re Doing Favours For Them That They Don’t Do For Anyone Else

Okay, I’ll admit to being a bit naughty here because as my neighbor is off forging new alliances, so too am  I – with plants! Okay no, not actual friendships with plants, but plants as a sort of bartering tool. I found out through a  conversation over the fence that our other, other neighbor also likes gardening, so I’ve been offering her plug plants and seeds that I’m not using. Where one alliance falls apart (at least temporarily, but more on that later), new ones can form in their place. Far from finding myself sandwiched between two shacked-up neighbors, Mr X also finds himself sandwiched between two women who get on swimmingly, and whom neither appreciate the state of his garden! Still though, in the whole time that we’ve been on this street, Mr X has never offered to look after anyone else’s kid or dog. I wonder what’s made him so friendly all of a sudden?

6. They Experience A Subtle Attitude Change That They Aren’t Personally Aware Of

Until the new arrival, I was always “love”. All of a sudden, I’m “bud”, which to be honest, is kind of a masculine, couldn’t-care-less sort of thing. It’s so subtle and yet, it’s noticeable. Again, I’ll talk about the ramifications of that a little later on.

Now that we know what we’re looking at, let’s do what we really came here for. Aside from the obvious risks like affairs, sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, let’s take a look at  eight other reasons why sleeping with your neighbor is never a good idea:

1. You’re Suddenly Hotter News Than Brangelina

Who is Brangelina again? We’ve forgotten, and that’s because you and your neighbor are the new talk around town. You mentioned the new neighbor to a few neighbors and you keep telling us all about them, even before the rest of us have been able to introduce ourselves. You’ve been visiting them often and doing all of the other things I’ve mentioned above. We know that something is going on, and we think we know exactly what.

2. Your Business Is Most Definitely Now Our Business

You told us that nothing is going on, but we’ve worked you out and now we sort of half-heartedly want the details. Was he the amazing lay he claims to be? How long did it take you to convince her into bed? Does the neighborhood bully have a tiny d*ck or a weird Mommy kink that we should know about? (NB. Kink-shaming is never okay, unless you’re a real douchenozzle who sort of deserves it!). We want the juicy bits because if they’ve been lying to us for decades, we all want to be able to have a good laugh about it. So c’mon – details!

3. You’ll Both Get A Name (And It Won’t Be Cute Like Brangelina)

If, like Mr X, you flirt with any female neighbor that moves in, you’ll get a nickname for yourself. “Casanova” is already the one that’s floating about, but so too is “Prince Charming”. It sounds cute, but trust me, the implication couldn’t be farther from it. Mr X is already known for being aggressive towards romantic partners and women on the whole, and now he’s got a reputation for sleeping with other women on the street, too. For her, within only weeks of moving in, she’s already been labelled as a woman who has probably been putting it about. If you’ve just moved into the area, is that something you really want, to be known as the resident bike? Have some self-respect and thank your neighbor for their help – with your words, not your body.

4. You’ll Gain (Unwanted) Friends

Have you noticed the old man/lady giving you cutesy waves from across the street? Congratulations! That’s because they’ve heard that you’ve been giving out the goodies and now they either want a slice or your money pie,. Don’t want that thought? It’s frighteningly simple to avoid: stay out of your neighbor’s bed.

5. You’ll Likely Alienate Yourself

In wild apes, a male will often assert his claims over a female by breeding with her. However, unlike apes, human beings have some societal rules which dictate what is and what is not acceptable behavior in neighborhoods and groups. When you bed your neighbor and change up other existing neighborhood friendships, you risk damaging (and even losing) those connections. If you’re the newcomer on the street, you also risk being unable to make connections because you’ll be seen as sort of cheating your way into the system. Neighbors form friendships by working together and supporting one another over time, but sex is often seen as a sort of ultimate gift, and by giving it so freely, some might feel as though you’ve fast-tracked your position on the road. Sure, you might fall into favors with the neighbor that you’re sleeping with, but you’ll likely fall out of favors with everyone else.

6. You Might Have To Fight Alone, Too

So everyone you know told you that bedding your neighbor was a bad idea, but guess what? You went and did it anyway. A few weeks later, you knock on your friend’s door because it’s all gone wrong and now you could do with some sympathy? Ah ha, no. At best, you’re just not getting laid anymore and at worst, the whole road is about to be plastered in your sexy pics or they’re about to know how you can’t last five seconds unless you recite the national anthem. Hopefully, you’ll make some very tactical decisions and get out of this relatively unscathed. Good luck.

7. Worse Still, You Could End Up In Bed With An Abuser

At one time, I was nearly that girl. I say nearly, but really, it wasn’t very nearly at all. When I moved in, Mr X and I got along well. Over time, Mr X told me that I was a kind person and even asked if I had a twin sister who is single. I was touched, but I had to tell him no. A few months later, he became aggressive towards me to try to manipulate me to suit his needs. Luckily, I’m a ferociously strong woman who doesn’t bed my neighbors, but what happens if you give in to their sweet words, only for them to change later on? It would be far, far too easy to fall into a potential cycle of abuse, manipulation and exploitation. Is that something you want to risk for a night of neighborly nookie?

8. You Might Just Be Stuck With A Bad Decision

So you did the dirty and now they’ve moved on and you want to move to get away from it all. Depending on who your landlord is, it might not be that easy. With our landlord, you can be evicted for anti-social behavior, hate crimes, not paying your rent, letting your property fall into disrepair and more, but what’s not one of them? Yep, falling out of love with your neighbor. Oh sure, you could tell your landlord that they’ve been bullying you, but do you also want to have to tell them that you shagged your neighbor in the same month that you moved in? It’s a rock and a hard place, which sounds an awful lot like a euphemism for the sleazy sex that you’ve been getting. You know how to avoid that conversation, right? If the other seven reasons aren’t enough to convince you that you’re making a grave mistake, maybe number eight might be.

I hope to all things high and mighty that this post too will be nothing more than an entertaining read for you, but if you ever need this advice, please, please, realise that reality is quite often nothing like the fantasy.  Please save yourself from a whole bunch of grief and awkwardness and find someone not nearly so close to your home!

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

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