Note: Whilst the subject matter of this post is largely targeted to a heterosexual male audience who approach me regularly on this matter, many of the concepts contained herein can be applied across the board, regardless of sex or gender.  I hope it helps!

Hello Lovelies, 

As many of you know I am a member of the Slowly network, and a majority of my penpals are men. Given my line of work, something that I get asked (by men) time and time again is: how can I be a good Dominant? How do I know if I am being a good Dominant? What does a good Dominant even look like? As much as I would love to offer you all tailored advice, there comes a time when a woman realises that she might have bitten off far more than what she can chew. Today, I wanted to help as many of you as I possibly can with this post. 

No thanks to both mainstream (that means you, Mr Grey) and social media, there is a common perception of what a Dominant man is or should be, and it is extremely damaging for both men and women alike. For men, it is extremely damaging for the ego. For women, it opens them up to rape and abuse. Remember: if it isn’t consensual, it isn’t BDSM. 

I’m going to start off by telling you three things that you do not need to be in order to be a good Dominant, and get ready because this opinion is going to be hugely controversial. Okay, ready?

Rich, mean and muscly. 

Yep, you heard it from the horse’s mouth – you do not need to be rich, mean or muscly to be a a good Dominant. Some people are attracted to that, and that’s okay, as long as you stay safe and everyone consents. I don’t know your dream girl and so if that’s her thing, that’s her thing. It’s just that it’s not mine.

As a member of the BDSM community now for almost two decades, I have seen and met more than my fair share of Dominants. I don’t mean that I have played with them necessarily, but I have met with many and I have conversed with them. Some were wonderful, enlightening conversations, and others? Not so much. In all cases, none of them were the rich mean, muscly Alpha males like we see in the media. I’ll say it again: you do not need to be rich, mean and muscly to be a Dominant man. 

Now that we’ve cleared that up, let me introduce you to one of the most remarkable Dominant men that I have ever met, and then I’ll tell you a little about the two men who own me. Finally, I will give you a list of ten qualities that I see come up regularly in the good ones, so you can know what you really need to aim for. 

I met Master R for coffee back in 2006. We had talked about entering a dynamic together, but even if (I think) he liked the idea of owning me as his younger submissive, I wasn’t really feeling the dynamic myself. Master R was very experienced, and he was looking for someone who would be consistently well-behaved, meek and obedient – that’s never been my style! Whilst we got along great as friends and he had a penchant for psychology, we ultimately wanted different things in a BDSM relationship.

So what was so remarkable about Master R? Following a vehicle accident, he was completely wheelchair-bound. Master R could flog a slave a little, but he found it quite difficult because of the mechanics of using a flogger so close to the floor. So he trained his slaves to flog themselves instead! Master R didn’t need to be mean and muscly to have his slaves exactly where he wanted them, he could just instruct them to punish themselves! 

For my current Sir, Master Levi is your average, office-working family man who has never even set foot in a gym in the whole seventeen years that I’ve known him. Master is a walker, a dog walker specifically, he’s also a mean cook and a lover of all things Marvel comics. Master doesn’t need to shout at me or spank me to pull me into line – just a sharp look is enough to send me scuttling for cover! He loves, cares for, protects and spoils me rotten, he also has not less than four Wartenberg pinwheels that he delights in torturing me with! 

So what does make a good Dominant? Here are ten qualities that I do see coming up frequently in good Dominants:

What Makes A Good Dominant, Really?

1. A Good Dominant Is… Kind

To their family, to their friends, to service staff and especially to the one they love, kindness is just who they are. A good Dominant is often generous too. In fact, all three of those mentioned above have spoiled a girl in some way. 

2. A Good Dominant Is… Genuine

A good Dominant has no time for pretending he’s anything other than who he is, you’ll either like him or you’ll hate him and he’s good with either. A good Dominant isn’t manipulative. If he does something for you, it’s because he wants to.

3. A Good Dominant Is… Understanding

A good Dominant knows that regardless of who you are or the role that you play in their life, everybody is human. He knows that traffic jams happen, meetings overrun and humans make mistakes or get sick. Regardless, a good Dominant is able to forgive and forget. 

4. A Good Dominant Is… Honest

Integrity matters a great deal to the Dominant, and as such cheating, lying, manipulating and other forms of dishonesty are not in their personal interests. A good Dominant knows that with honesty comes trust and respect, two things he values deeply in a submissive. 

5. A Good Dominant Is… Confident

A good Dominant knows who he is and he knows all that he stands for. He does not need to fit in, a good Dominant is okay with standing out, some even revel in it. Good Dominants also tend to adopt the “talk less, listen more” philosophy, and when they don’t understand, they’re not afraid to ask questions. 

6. A Good Dominant Is… Respectful

It is said that a thousand words won’t stop abuse, but one word can stop a BDSM scene. A good Dominant is respectful – of limits, of boundaries, of people, of circumstances. Of everything. 

7. A Good Dominant Is… Fair

A good Dominant will always make the punishment fit the crime, and many don’t believe in punishing in a moment of anger. Humans have a poor track record for being rational when we’re angry, and a good Dominant will always refrain from punishing a submissive if they are feeling angry, rather than causing unintentional harm.

See also: In Defence Of Brats: A Guide

8. A Good Dominant Is… Caring

Many Dominants really love and/or care for their submissives and slaves. If their submissive is sick, they want to care for them and help them get better. If their slave is injured and can’t be of service, they want to ensure they get the care that they need. A good Dominant will never make their submissive feel unwanted or discarded, unless of course the submissive consents to it.

9. A Good Dominant Is… Reliable

A good Dominant communicates regularly and he shows up when expected. Above all else, good Dominants  make for great friends – you never have to worry about them not being there for you when you need them!

10. A Good Dominant Is… Good-humoured

Good Dominants love a joke, but their favourites are the ones where nobody (who doesn’t want to!) gets hurt. A good Dominant has no time for not-so-subtle jibes or “negs” – he doesn’t need to make you feel small to make himself feel good. If he laughs at you, it’s because you’ve told him that doing so okay. 

That’s it from me for this post.What qualities of a good Dominant do you recognise in yourself or your partner (if you have one)? Share your thoughts in a comment below or read more of our Lessons In BDSM posts!

Until next time!

Stau safe & have fun,

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