This post uses largely heteronormative examples of ethical and unethical BDSM in action, from a heterosexual non-monogamous couple. However, BDSM and abuse happens in the LGBTQIA+ community as well and as such the same logic can be applied, regardless of sexuality or gender.  

What Are Your Views On The Ethics Of Kink?

I think this is an interesting question and ties in with a point that sort of got raised quite recently on my blog. Before we dive into that though, let’s take a look at what the ethics of kink really are. 

Safe, Sane, Consensual - The Ethics of BDSM

From time immemorial, the three key tenets of BDSM have always been safe, sane and consensual. It doesn’t matter what kinky activities we get involved in, that’s up to the individuals involved. What matters is that whatever we do it is safe to do, it is sane to do, and everyone involved agrees to be involved in it. Willingly, and without any force or coercion. 

Let’s take a look at some common examples of ethical and unethical BDSM here:

Is it okay to call someone a “slut” who consents to it, or has been introduced as a slut by their Dominant? Yes, of course! 

Is it okay to call someone a slut simply because of their orientation in the BDSM community? Absolutely not. 

Okay okay, another one. A harder one. 

Is it okay for a professional Mistress to apply electricity to her submissive partner’s genitals? As long as he has asked for it, both partners know the risks involved and the equipment is safe and clean to use, yes.

Could someone with a trampling kink be free to trample small animals in the name of their fetish? The answer is no, because of the needless suffering to (obviously unconsenting) animals. 

There are other, tragically all-too-frequent ethical dilemmas in the BDSM community as well. For example, what happens (and sadly it does happen) when a woman agrees to rough kinky sex with a man, but then the scene doesn’t go as she hoped and so she accuses him of rape and abuse instead? What happens when she forgets her safeword? Yes, Anastasia Steele, I’m looking at you! 

What happens when people rush in and someone does something that the other doesn’t like, or worse, accidentally triggers a (previously unmentioned) trauma? 

What happens when a once-consenting submissive gets scared in the scene and says everything other than “no”?

It’s easy to paint Dominants as “perpetrators” and submissives as “victims”, but it’s not always that straight forward. Things happen, things sometimes go wrong, and sometimes both parties are to blame. Sadly there are also manipulative people who will portray themselves as submissives and try to manipulate the Dominant partner into doing whatever they want, and sometimes with nasty threats if they don’t comply. I would know, I owned one of them once. 

For whatever reason it also seems to me that today, people have even more of an opinion on what “right” and “wrong” kink really is, and some of it is downright untrue, or even dangerous. There seems to be “cores” and “true” versions of BDSM that, even in my 17 years in the community, I have never heard of (or would even endorse). Some people like their kink cold and cruel, and others like it loving and sensual. One is not necessary right or wrong, or better or worse. All that matters is that it is safe, sane and consensual. 

When I used to attend a BDSM club, there was a rule in place: you do not involve yourself with somebody else’s BDSM scene. You do not tell them whether you think their scene is “right” or “true” BDSM, you simply accept, acknowledge and admire (if you want to) their version of BDSM. You have to keep in mind that, no matter what happens in the scene, what goes on is between consenting partners and is “safe, sane and consensual”. It is how they choose to do BDSM. 

If you see something you like? Approach them after their scene and talk to them about it. Many fellow kinksters are more than happy to teach and share. 

And if you are concerned? If something seems really not right? You speak to one of the Dungeon Masters. If the Dungeon Masters address the issue then you can thank your gut instincts for knowing when what you see really is wrong! 

Sadly abuse does happen in the BDSM community, we are not immune to it, but many more people are practicing their version of ethical BDSM than are unethical. I do read something sometimes that makes me think “that’s not for me”, and that’s okay! I don’t have to consent to doing or trying everything to be a “true” submissive. Forcing or manipulating me would be unethical, and any Dominant worth their salt would agree.

BDSM has evolved since I started out almost two decades ago, and to be totally honest, it hasn’t gone in a direction that I like. Anyone can get on TikTok these days, mutter a few words, and suddenly they can be promoting a very dangerous (and unethical) version of just about anything that their thousands of viewers will believe is right. I urge you to be mindful of what you relationship advice you read and listen to on social media. If it feels like it encourages you to treat your partner with anything other than love and respect, please stay away from it.   

Pick-up Artists (PUAs) as well can be incredibly dangerous. For heterosexual men particularly, some tell men that women want to be dominated, they want to be forced, led and protected, and then would-be good men end up hurt and labelled when women don’t want what these Pick Up Artists claim they want. It’s important to understand that, for a vast majority of people, BDSM is just a fantasy life, a kind of roleplay or a sexier version of LARPing. Many submissives are alike in this regard: they know that their submissive life is not their true reality, they consent to it willingly, and they know that they are free to leave or stop it at any time if they want to. The second they realise that they are not free to leave when they want to, a submissive with any worth will fight with all of their strength to escape. This is why PUA’s encourage men to put a woman down, to “neg” her - the more worthless she believes she is, they say, the more she will be grateful for her partner’s “love” and attention. Ironically perhaps, submissives are actually more likely to want to stay with - and submit more to - Dominants who make them feel attractive, capable and worthwhile.

A submissive partner chooses to give up control: how they want to, when they want to, and as much as they want to. If they don’t choose you to be their Dominant partner, or they don’t want to give you as much control as what you would like? Sorry, but there really is little that you can do. The submissive partner has their reasons and rights for their life choices, just like you do. 

In the same vein, a Dominant partner chooses their submissive. Some want kink “just in the bedroom”, and others want a live-in submissive. Some like meek and obedient submissives, and others like strong, cheeky and challenging ones. One cannot be made into the other unless they want to, unless they consent to it as part of their submissive training. Fortunately for me perhaps, both of the sadists that I’m involved with enjoy a witty, resilient, engaging submissive. Will I behave though if they tell me to stop? Of course!

That's it from me for this post! What's your favourite BDSM song? What is the song REALLY about? Give this post a like, share, or leave a comment below. Alternatively, click here for more 30 Days Of Kink posts!

Until next time,

Stay safe & have fun,

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