Hello Lovelies, 

Not so long ago, I had a little bit of a falling out with my friend-turned-partner after I said “no” to him in our BDSM dynamic. Although today’s post isn’t about dragging him through the mud, there was some backlash to our situation and today I wanted to revisit that and talk about when a submissive might say “no” in BDSM, why they might say no, and how to avoid the awkwardness that typically ensues. 

Just for clarification purposes, let’s recap on what happened: I was supposed to ask for permission to touch myself, I’d asked but didn’t hear back from ,my partner and so, because time was of the essence for me (I have a home and a blog to run, y’know!) and I knew I would be frustrated and unproductive if I didn’t get myself some sweet relief, I went ahead and touched myself anyway. I figured that, provided I explained myself, he would probably understand. 

I figured wrong, and when he wanted to “correct” me despite saying initially that he wouldn’t punish me, then I said “no” to his “correction”. In essence, I wasn’t going to have him let me off and then punish me anyway – that’s not fair, and that’s not how I do BDSM!

He said since that he wished he’d handled the situation differently, and though for a time I’d concluded that we are very different people with very different wants and needs in our BDSM play, we are both warming up to the idea of revisiting things again. We aren’t formally back on track per se, but at least there is a mutual openness there.

So, when might a submissive say no in BDSM, and how can you handle that situation?

Reason #1: It’s A Hard Limit

Ideally you will have taken a look at a BDSM checklist together before you get started, and so you will have some idea of what one another’s hard limits are. If you suggest something to a submissive that is a hard limit for them, be understanding, but also test the boundary. Is it a hard limit because something bad has happened to them that involved that activity, or is it just a hard limit because it sounds a bit icky or painful? 

Reason #2: It Makes Them Uncomfortable

Kink aside, you might ask your submissive to do something that crosses an “other” boundary for them. For example, I refuse to wear fetishwear in public (there are kids around), I refuse to be humiliated for my appearance (I still get bullied at 35) and I refuse to go no panties to a relative’s house (it’s a respect thing).. People often have boundaries outside of BDSM and it’s important to understand and respect them – BDSM should be fun and enjoyable for both of you!

Reason #3: They’re Acting Up (AKA They’re A Brat)

I’m not going to deny doing this sometimes, because I’m a brat and sometimes you need a little humour in your life. Sometimes a submissive will say “no” to their Dominant, sometimes they’ll even follow it up with two incredibly dangerous words, like “make me”. It’s important to decide how this fares in your relationship: do you find a little defiance fun and engaging, or is this behaviour outright disrespectful to you? Make sure you communicate your own boundaries with your partner. 

Consent: The Foundations Of ANY BDSM Dynamic

Without consent, you don’t have BDSM. Without consent, it is really abuse. ALL BDSM relationships, regardless of arrangement or dynamic, are based on consent. If your partner is no longer a consenting participant and you continue “Dominating” them then you are no longer Dominating them, you are abusing them and are no longer a part of the BDSM community. The key difference between abuse and BDSM is consent. 

TPE: When A Submissive CAN’T Say “No”

TPE (Total Power Exchange) dynamics are intense and are not for everyone, though they can be for some people. In TPE, the submissive partner consensually gives up FULL control to their Dominant partner and their Dominant partner decides everything for them – what they may eat, wear, do etc. In TPEm a submissive cannot say “no” to their Dominant partner, and doing so is a sign of disrespect and is is a punishable offence. Not all BDSM dynamics are TPE, and neither do they have to be. It is important to discuss with your partner whether it is something you both want.

Even in TPE a submissive may request/be given permission to “speak freely”, during which time they are free to speak as an equal partner, not a submissive. Anything a submissive says in that time cannot be punished, though of course one should always be respectful of other’s feelings! During this time, a submissive partner may express their genuine concern or reluctance with participating in an activity, kink etc. Again, a good Dominant will be considerate and empathetic to a submissive’s needs and feelings, but they may choose to push them further anyway. 

Some Tips & Tricks For When A Submissive Says “No”

1. Pause & Reflect

A submissive saying “no” is not the end of the world, and neither does it have to be. It’s easy to see it as an act of defiance but it’s also a chance for communication and understanding. What did you ask of them? Is there a reason they may have resisted? Could you have asked something else?

2. Stay Calm

I know you may want to come down hard on your submissive right now – how dare they resist your command?! Nothing good comes from being angry, in fact, you’ll only give them more reason not to want to be around you in the future. If something you asked of your submissive has scared them, they need you to be their safe space right now. They need to feel like they can trust you with them, that you have their best interests at heart. Put Dominance aside, and treat them as a person for the moment. 

3. Communicate

Again, why did your submissive say “no”? People don’t usually say no just for the sake of it. As a Dominant, it’s crucial to get to the bottom of why your submissive resisted your command. Check in with your submissive, and try to understand why they reacted the way they did. 

4. If Possible, Renegotiate

Could you ask them to do something else? Break the activity down into smaller parts? Offer an incentive for trying? They key to being a good Dominant is knowing how to lead. Anyone can bark orders, but a good leader, leads.

5. Try Again

Once you’ve communicated and (hopefully) resolved the problem, all that is left is to try again!

Until next time.

Stay safe & have fun,

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