I find it entertaining that I should have an emailed link to a Medium article with this same title in my inbox this morning. Why? Because just last night, I blocked another guy.
I want to be clear here and say that blocking people isn't something that I like to do. Like most people, all I want is to feel accepted, respected and maybe even loved, so it's frustrating and exhausting for me when I have to block someone that I've just wasted a few hours on. Why even bother having conversations with people if I'm just going to end up blocking them?
You're probably wondering what got me to block the gentleman in question. Perhaps I felt like he wasn't worthy of my time? He didn't go to a prestigious enough school, didn't support the same football team as me or maybe he didn't address me in a way that I like to be addressed? Dear Reader, it was nothing of the sort.
I blocked him becuse he didn't respect me.
The conversation started off innocently enough: he saw a picture of my leather cuffs and he wanted to know where I'd bought them, so I pointed him in the right direction. I was admittedly tempted to provide him with an affiliated link but I decided against it because it felt a bit cold to try and profit from somebody appreciating my BDSM gear. I'm a Lovehoney affiliate so I kind of have to use my affiliated links as often as I can, but I don't mind dishing out some unaffiliated guidance as well - I wouldn't do what I do otherwise!
So our conversation continues and he says that I'm "much nicer" than some of the other women on Fetlife, and I thank him for his kind words. I also tell him that I firmly believe respect begets respect. This is where it all starts falling apart.
He begins by introducing me to his kinks (which he tells me is him "oversharing", though by now I don't believe it is), he calls me a "beautiful lady" and points out my experiences as a former humiliatrix. He then begins (unconsensually) exploring his kinks through me, putting me into a scene that I don't want to be in and that I'm now trying to get out of. I even tell him very firmly that I'm not looking for anything or anyone else right now and he says that he understands - but then carries on anyway!
So I conceded, emtertained his fantasy for a little while and then once he'd gone to bed, I blocked him.
I'm nice, I know I'm nice - I was raised to be that way. I even know that I'm a pretty amazing woman on the whole, as a lot of women are, but that same amazing woman can be ugly sometimes too. The question is, can you handle an amazing woman when she shows her ugly side?
This is what women want: not just a man who will tell her how amazing she is when she already believes it, but a man who will stand by her when she believe she isn't. Not just a man who tells her that she's beautiful when she's all made up, but a man whos makes her feel beautiful without it. She doesn't want a man who will love her for all that she can be, she wants a man who will love her regardless.
Don't we all want that, regardless of our sex or gender?
You see dear Reader, I don't know you, but I have no doubt that it possibly goes through your head occasionally that no woman can want you, no woman can love you, you simply aren't good enough for them. Guess what? She could be looking at you right now and thinking the exact same thing! And guess what? That guy you didn't want to lose her to could have even more luck with her because he already believes he might be good enough for her, so he approached her instead! Now you hate him for his confidence, because it's much easier to hate him for destroying your potential relationship than it was to take a risk. So guess what she now sees? You're a jealous asshole and you're not the nice guy she thought you were, you were just being nice to her to get her into bed!
Instead of negging, manipulating and the various other toxic techniques that exist, how about simply being the nice guy that you claim to be, that she might live with someday? How about treating one another with respect and actually being nice, instead of playing mind games in the vague hopes that she might fall in love with some made up version of you? You may not even realise how close she may be to liking (and possibly even loving) the real you if you're too damned focused on being what you think you should be in order to impress her. If she still doesn't like you when you're "just" you then it's either just her, or it is all you. Remember that women are regular people too, they also want someone who makes them feel safe and accepted. If you repel all people then sorry to say but it might not be her, and it might be all you.
There is still hope for you though, you just have to remember what women really want.
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