An Open Letter To The Aspiring Dominant

A fountain pen with paper on a wooden table with a pink rose. White text on a black banner reads "To The Aspiring Dominant"

Hello dear friend, 

I don’t know you and you hardly know me, and yet, we find ourselves in this situation together. I know that right now you may be nervous, or maybe you are chomping at the bit and really keen to get started on your BDSM journey. In either case, there are some things I want you to know. 

The first, that I don’t know what the future holds for you. Maybe you will be like me, and some of the many other kinky people I’ve met, who will start off as Dominants and then realise that they fancy or prefer life “on the other side of the coin”, as BDSM submissives. Maybe you will be like Matt, and realise that being Dominant fulfils you and gives you new life skills that enevitably boost self-confidence. Maybe you will grow bored of BDSM, realise that it doesn’t really attract you anymore, or a whole host of other possibilities. In either case, kinky or not kinky, I hope that your future is bright and happy. 

Becoming a Dominant can be a scary thing, and maybe you feel like you need to paint on a rough, tough, scary exterior right now, because isn’t that what a Dominant should be? I want you to know that no, that’s just not true. A Dominant is whatever you want to be. However and whatever you are comfortable in! 

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As a humiliatrix, I used to take a great deal of pleasure in verbally humiliating men, for their pleasure. Some might say I’m quite good at what I do, and indeed both of my former submissives have or have tried to come back to me, because I did what I did so good. I remember occasions when I used to parade up and down my garden footpath, wearing only jeans, a t-shirt and trainers as I went. I could humiliate my submissive, and he would beg and whimper and admit that his Mistress really did hold power over him. Doesn’t that tell you something? If you can Dominate, you can Dominate in just about anything! Much of Domination is all about the power of the mind!

I want you to remember your worth, and to realise that sadly there are some submissives out there who will objectify you, who will put you on a pedestal and expect you to be the object of their fantasies. They will have an idea of how they want to be treated, and expect you to treat them that way. Remember to lower their expectations, to set boundaries and establish that they can ask for an activity, but you too have a right to say no. If they try to manipulate you, for example, by calling you names or threatening to terminate the relationship, please promise me that you will walk away. I know how this feels, and you deserve so, so much better. 

Remember this of submissives too though, that they are people too. They have rights, feelings and experiences just like you, and they deserve to be respected like people too - at least until they surrender themselves to you! Their freedom is not yours to take, not unless and until it is given freely to you, or taken with informed consent. Even if and when it is, realise the gift that your submissive has given you for they can take it back at any time - that is their right. Value their submission, honour it, cherish it, care for it. Cherish and care for their submission as much as the submissive themselves. Giving up control is never easy, especially to someone new. 

A grayscale photo of a person writing a letter using a fountain pen. There is a red rose next to them.

Speaking of this, understand how nervous your submissive may be feeling right now. You may be nervous about Dominating them, but they may be nervous about submitting to you. They may fear that you will hurt them, that they will anger or disappoint you. Keep communication open, and remember that you are partners in this adventure. 

Understand the psychology of a submissive: your submissive has been in control for so long, but they don’t want it anymore, or right now. They are looking to you for help, for guidance, to surrender control to. They have chosen to give up control to you. 


Because they believe that you can handle it. Because they believe that you deserve it. Because they believe that they can trust you to look after them, and to hold their best interests at heart and in their most vulnerable moments. Your pleasure is their pleasure, they crave to give pleasure to you. To shine in your eyes and prove themselves worthy of you. They crave to surrender control as much as you may want it, but they are also smart enough to know when it is not safe.

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Finally, never be arrogant. Never believe that you know everything, or are everything. Being a Dominant is about learning, and being ready and willing to learn. From textbooks and tutorials. From your local (and international) BDSM community. From your submissive. From life. 

So please, before me now, promise me that you will care for your submissive. Promise me that you will become - if you are not already - an educated, responsible, reliable, safe Dominant. You will remember that you too are human, and that being Dominant over one does not make you Dominant over all. You will remember the gift bestowed upon you and you will stay humble with it, and humble in the presence of those, too, who have been gifted this way. Remember that their property is not your property, not unless and until it is given to you.

Do you promise?

With love, 

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