A few nights ago Matt and I sat down to watch First Dates with TV personality Fred Sirieix, and one man on there quickly and openly admitted to enjoying BDSM. I was particularly keen to follow his story, given that he admitted to having cheated on and left his wife in order to explore his kinky needs. Whilst I have never had a physical affair in the name of BDSM, I have unintentionally had an emotional affair, and it did spell some trouble for us too.
Before he had even said anything of his preferences, I already had this guy figured out: submissive male. That was just the vibe that he was giving off to me.
Moments later, he admitted to his date that the cause of his divorce was him meeting a Dominatrix. Et voila!
"How can you tell?" Matt asks me.
"Just can" I reply. "Submissive males get red-faced and doe-eyed in the presence of a confident woman, whereas truly Dominant males have a quiet confidence because they know how to handle her. It's very attractive and a highly disarming thing, I must say. Arrogance, however, is a turn-off."
I still remember it now - sat on the benches beyond the tills of ASDA Walmart, I people-watched as I waited for my Mum. I was playing a game; a quiet, mental game that I sometimes play all by myself. I like to call it "Dom, Sub, Vanilla or Boring?"
To play, you simply observe a person (or couple) and try to decide for yourself if you think they might be Dominant, submissive, "vanilla" (aka non-kinky) or sexless. You don't get to know if you guessed right, of course, and you certainly don't get to go up and ask. Not unless they're making eyes at you too.
People uninentionally give off hints about their psychology all the time, and it is something that I find truly fascinating. Taking myself as an example, I probably don't seem that confident on the day-to-day and I probably look like I don't care about myself all that much either. Indeed I don't set out to boss people around, and I'm often more concerned by what I need to do each day than what I look like. C'est la vie.
We as a species form judgements of one another instinctively, and we do so more or less from the day we are born: babies respond more positively to a happy face than a sad or neutral one, people typically find female voices more reassuring than male voices, we trust older people more than younger people, even if older people can be dishonest and selfish too. There are numerous other examples of our unintentionaol (and intentional) judgements of others still.
But what about Dominants, submissives and peoples' love lives?
Again, people often have this mental image of a whip-wielding Dominatrix in high-heel leather boots or a tall, dark, muscular man in a too-tight suit as being Dominant, but I personally think Dominance shows itself in other ways. Dominant men are more on hand, resourceful and protective, whereas Dominant women lead the relationship from in front. Submissive women are often giggly and playful people, whereas submiussive men are often more bashful and shy.
Up close, I find that I can pick out Dominants and submissives too.
Some years ago I was invited to a leaving party for one of Matt's collleagues, and one couple in attendance promptly caught my attention. Amy was bubbly and chatty, the life and soul of the party. Mark was chatty too, but more reserved.
Mark was on hand to our group a lot and he often acted in ways that were either resourceful or protective, for example, fetching extra chairs for seating, or blocking the group off from boisterous drunks. He didn't dominate the conversation but he led it at times and he stood with a stance that was neither commanding nor meek. I find that tuly Dominant men do this often, almost as though they don't need to demonstrate their Dominance because they already had it from the start. Again, it can be both highly disarming and incredibly vexing to deal with.
While we chat, Matt looks to me and I look down, then back up at him. He knows exactly what I'm thinking - my D/s senses are tingling.
Matt and I have developed a way to communicate about "the others" without being obvious, and it's so subtle that most people wouldn't even notice. With Amy, I glance in her direction briefly so that he knows who I mean, then I rest my chin on my hand and, very quickly, give a slight downward twitch of my thumb. To Matt, that indicates "submissive".
He nods and raises an eyebrow curiously.
I nod very slightly in response then look back over my shoulder as though something caught my attention. Really it's an indication to Mark.
I meet Matt's gaze again and lightly scratch an imaginary itch on my jawline with my upturned thumbnail. Another indication to Matt - Dominant.
A month later, Mark jokes about wanting a spanking paddle as a wedding gift to handle his new bride.
Of course we don't take action on our inklings in social situations, but they do at least give us some indications of the people that we can "let loose" around.and hopefully, maybe even become friends with. Everyone wants people that they can be friends with, but knowing the signs of your potential people sure helps!
That's it from me for this post! Have you ever had a gut feeling about someone? What did your intuition tell you? Give this post a like, share, or leave a comment below. Alternatively, click here for more kinky posts!
Until next tme,
Stay safe & have fun,